Agee Ientee Diogee/Transcript

(Outside shot of the Murphy house. Something on the TV is playing loudly.)
(We zoom in on the living room, where Doofenshmirtz sits on the couch, in his socks, shorts, and a tank top, finishing a bag of chips.)
Doof: We're out of chips… (calling) Hellooo? Out of chips? Anyone? Chip me, over here? Any-- Where is everybody? (He stands up and walks to the window, drawing back the curtains.)
(A kid passing by on the street sees him and shields his eyes.)
Kid in the street: Ew!
(Doof pulls the curtains around himself.)
Doof: Oh right, they go out during the day. Huh, guess it's just you and me, doggie… little puppy-- You know, you look familiar to me! You remind me of somebody that I met this summer. I remember it like it was yesterday…
(A ripple dissolve occurs.)

(Flashback: Summer. Milo and Melissa are walking down the street.)
(PAUSE. Doof walks back into the frame, over the top of the flashback footage.)
Doof: Actually, I don't remember this part, because I wasn't there, but apparently this is where the story starts, so, let's just go with it.
(Flashback continues.)
Melissa: Soo, can we do something safe today? I'm kinda Murphy-ed out.
Milo: It doesn't really work that way.
Melissa: Can we at least try for an uneventful day?
Milo: Well, there is a new ice cream parlor that opened up nearby. Ice cream is usually pretty uneventful.
Melissa: Okay then, ice cream it is!
Diogee: (bark!)
Milo: Diogee, go home! You can't go to the ice cream parlor with us.
(Diogee sadly turns and leaves.)
Milo: Poor Diogee. He never gets to do anything interesting.

(As Diogee walks by, a German Shepherd approaches a tree and puts on his secret agent hat. Then, he gets hit with something sticky, trapping him.)
Dr. Not-Sorry: Good day, Agent G. While you're trying to escape my fast-hardening maple syrup, you have to be asking yourself: "How's my sworn enemy, Dr. Not-Sorry, greatest Canadian evil scientist ever, like, still alive, eh? I mean, I like, blew up his maple tree mountain fortress, eh?" Well, guess what! My plaid lab coat doesn't just look good. It's like, explosion-proof, eh! (chuckles) Ain't it a beauty? (sees Agent G escaping his trap, readies his axe) Okay, time to end this, eh. I know I'm rushin' this, but like I'm an evil Canadian, I'm not polite.
(He lunges with the axe, and Agent G dodges, jumping on the weapon and breaking it.)
Dr. Not-Sorry: Oh, bear, that was like, my favourite. (Agent G jumps on him.) Ow! Okay, now you've done it, eh! Oh, it's go time now.
(They trade blows.)
Dr. Not-Sorry: Not sorry. Not sorry. (grunts) Not sorry. (punches Agent G's hat off) Not sorry 'bout that one. 
(Agent G pushes him off the ledge and they both fall onto a freeway. Not-Sorry screams while they are whisked away by a car.)

(The hat falls and gets stuck on Diogee's head.)
Diogee: Hmm?
(The hat is covering Diogee's eyes, and he ambles around in a few blind circles, before he falls into the secret lair entrance.)
Major Monogram: Guten Morgen, Agent G! I thought I would welcome you by wearing this Lederhosen, the traditional garb of your Germanic homeland… Carl, are you sure this is Agent G, from our German division? He doesn't look much like his profile picture.
Carl: It's probably 'cause his eyes are covered, sir. You know what they say, the eyes are the window to the soul.
Monogram: Carl! What have I told you?
Carl: (dejected) We're spies, not poets.
Monogram: And don't forget it! Anyhoo, Agent G, thanks for filling in while Agent P is on vacation. Doofenshmirtz is up to his old tricks, and by old… Agent G? (to Carl) Where'd he go?
Carl: He's sniffing the equipment, sir.
Monogram: What a pro. Familiarizing himself with every piece of equipment before the mission. Agent G, we know you want to get right to business, so we programmed this autocopter to take you directly to Doofenshmirtz's lair. Now, get out there, and stop Doofenshmirtz.
Carl: He's, uh… He's stuck in the corner, sir.
Monogram: I'm sure he's just a little turned around after his long plane flight. Carl, help him out.
(Carl presses a button and a metal arm grabs Diogee and places him near the helicopter.)
Monogram: Alright, Agent G, go get Doofenshmirtz!
(Silence.)
(Carl presses another button and the arm boots Diogee into the helicopter. They watch the copter fly away.)
Monogram: You could learn a lot from him, Carl.

(At D.E.I)
♪ Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated! ♪
(Diogee exits the helicopter, panting happily. He starts sniffing around Doof's lair.)
(A cage falls from the ceiling and traps him.)
Doof: A-ha! Gotcha, Perry the Pla… Wait, wait a second, you're not Perry the Platypus! Oh, I see how things are. I guess I'm not on the A-List anymore- (Diogee whimpers) -and I get stuck with... (Sigh.) What are you, some kind of… some kind of dog, I guess? Okay, well, give me your best shot, Agent… I don't know what your name is... Uh, I-I'm just gonna call you Nigel Weatherbone. That sounds like an agent. And it has "bone" in it, 'cause you're a dog! Okay, Nigel Weatherbone, give me your best shot!

(We see Carl and Monogram back at their headquarters, watching this unfold live on a monitor.)
Carl: Um, why isn't Agent G doing anything, sir? Ugh, I knew we sent him out too quickly, I should've given him one more briefing.
Monogram: Don't get your Lederhosen in a pretzel, Carl. Agent G knows exactly what he's doing. He's sussing out the situation, and when he's found the weakness in Doofenshmirtz's armor,  he'll strike!

(Diogee rubs his rump on the floor, panting.)
Doof: (sighs) So, aren't you gonna do anything, Agent Weatherbone? Perry the Platypus used to try to escape, but… I'm sorry, I don't mean to be judgemental there, I'm sure you've got your own M.O. that works for you, your own "modus operandi." Maybe you're waiting for my reveal! Maybe that's it. (Goes to his sheet-covered -inator) Behold! (He throws back the sheet.) The Shock-Absorber-Absorb-inator! It finds all the shock absorbers in the Tri-State Area and absorbs them into this canister. And then I can sell them back to the unwitting public for a considerable mark-up. People will come crawling to me. Literally, because they have no shock absorbers and driving will be slightly uncomfortable.
Diogee: (whines)
Doof: What's the matter? Do you feel sorry for the people who are crawling to me?
(We see Diogee is reaching for a tennis ball on the floor near his trap.)
Doof: Oh, you wanna play fetch? You wanna play fetch? (He picks up the tennis ball.) Well, you can't, because I'm evil. (laughs)
(He throws the ball behind him and it hits the release for the trap.)
Doof: Oh- wait, no, no fair, wait, wait… Nigel? Where are you, Nigel? Nigel? Nigel Weatherbone? (sing-song) Where aaaare you? Alright, where are you? Where'd you go?
(Diogee accidentally pulls a plug out of the wall, shutting off the lights.)
Doof: Oh. Oh, I see. Psychological games. Well, that's my forte. And you're in my backyard now.
(Diogee walks around blindly in the dark, causing some chains to rattle.)
Doof: I don't remember there being so many chains, but…
(Diogee knocks a wrench onto the ground.)
Doof: Ahh! Oh, I see what you're doing here. If you're trying to freak me out, you are not getting to me, but I am gonna get out of this room right now, it's what I'm gonna do… This is crazy. This is my place. I'm not afraid of some- (screams)
(Diogee jumps on him, licking him.)
Doof: Ah! Ah, No, no, no, oh, (laughs) now you're just- stop it, stop it! You're just… You're just licking me? Heh heh… I hope no one was filming that, because I came off a little less than manly, I'm afraid.

(Carl and Monogram are laughing at him back at OWCA. They take out their phones.)
Carl: (laughing) I gotta share this, I gotta share this!
Monogram: Oh my gosh! Share! Share! Share!

Doof: But I know how to get that little demon. (He picks up the ball.) Okay, Nigel! Wanna play a little game of fetch? (He throws the ball.)
(Diogee picks up a similar-looking green ball-shaped object from a box and brings it to Doof.)
Doof: Aha, you fell right into my trap! Huh. This tennis ball is a lot more…grenade-y… than I re- Uh oh.
(Doof screams as he is affected by the object. It shrinks him down to a very small size.)
Doof: Aw, a shrink grenade!?
(Diogee barks)
Doof: Curse you, Nigel Weatherbone! And your indiscriminate fetching skills!
(Diogee chases after the now tiny Doof.)
Doof: Stay away from me! Bad dog! Bad doggie!
(Diogee grunts as he tries to reach a steak sitting on the counter)
Doof: No, no, that's my dinner. That's my dinner. Leave it alone. Leave it alone!
(Doof hides while Diogee is distracted by the steak.)
Doof: (panting) Finally, I got rid of that one… Now, all I have to do is get over to the…
(Footsteps thudding. A shadow looms over Doof.)
Doof: (screams) Oh, hello. Hi, Mr. Fluffypants 2. I'm just like… wait, wait. Oh, no, no, no, stop it! It's me! It's me! No, stop it!
(Mr. Fluffypants 2 begins chasing Doof as well.)
(Song: It's Raining Cats and Dogs)
♪ Better grab your rain coat ♪
♪ and put on your galoshes ♪
♪ Come on! ♪
Doof: Hey! No no. You stay away from my cat!
♪ Open your umbrella ♪
♪ and synchronize your watches ♪
Doof: No one said this kitchen is so long.
♪ Come on! ♪
Doof: (Doof screams) Get down from there.
♪ Don't forget your rain hats ♪
♪ 'cause you know it's raining dogs and cats ♪
♪ It's raining cats and dogs ♪
Doof: No no, not the flower pots! Oh, oh no. I got that at the […]
♪ Really coming down ♪
♪ Really coming down ♪
♪ Really coming down… ♪
Doof: Oh, this smells so bad! This smells like… fish…
(Mr. Fluffypants 2 looms over Doof, who's now covered in sardines.)
Doof: Uh… (chuckles nervously) Ahh! I'm not a fish! I'm not a fish!
(Fluffypants chases him; he runs and hides in a teapot.)
Doof: I am not a fish! I'm not a... I have arms and legs, I am not a fish! When I offer you a real fish, you can't be bothered. I see how it is! Ugh. Wait, is this teapot shrinking? (Doof starts to grow.) Or- Oh, you know what, the more likely explanation is that the Shrinkinator is wearing off and that I'm… actually… (strained) growing. This hurts even more than my yoga class!
(The teapot shatters, scaring Fluffypants off. Doof is now normal-sized, but the teapot's top is stuck around his neck.)
Doof: Ugh. Wow, talk about tempest in a teapot.
(Diogee runs past, barking. Doof pursues. Diogee's hat gets knocked off.)
Diogee: (barks)
Doof: (spotting Diogee, sans hat) Aww, look at the little puppy! How did you get in here? Careful, I'm in mid-thwart with a new agent, He's around here somewhere. Wily, too.
(Doof looks around and Diogee sniffs the floor.)
(Mr. Fluffypants meows and knocks the hat back onto Diogee's head.)
Doof: Oh, there you are. Oh, there was someone here I wanted you to meet, because he… well, there was another dog, I thought… Hey, look, I know you guys don't all know each other. I just thought, maybe you had something in common- Agh, never mind. Have at you! (He lunges at Diogee, who moves out of the way.) Alright, Nigel Weatherbone, you have outstayed your welcome. Wait, do you smell gas?
(The stove is on, and the wooden spoons lodged in the toaster nearby have been set alight.)
Doof: Oh, great.
(Explosion.)
(Doof carries Diogee back onto the helicopter.)
Doof: It's been lovely having you, please never bark at my doorstep again. And oh yes, "curse you, Nigel Weatherbone!" Ta ta.

(Back at OWCA)
Monogram: That Agent G is amazing! I'm gonna throw some dudelsack on the barbecue for his triumphant return!
Carl: Um, sir, "dudelsack" means "bagpipe" in German.
Monogram: Wh- I knew that. It's a… It's a German delicacy. Fried bagpipe. I'm going to cook some right now! Carl, go run to the store and get me a bagpipe.
Carl: Yes, sir…

(Spy music playing as the helicopter flies through the sky.)
(Diogee steps on the EJECT button in his helicopter.)
(His seat ejects him and he safely parachutes down into the trees, losing his hat along the way.)

(We see the real Agent G and Dr. Not-Sorry fighting on logs floating down the river with flaming remains of a satellite.)
Dr. Not-Sorry: How you ever escaped those killer electro-beavers, let alone beat Mr. Skate and his team of henchmen is beyond me, eh. Goodbye, Agent G. (He turns around to see they're headed straight for a waterfall. Agent G leaps to safety.) What kinda park has a cliff? (falls, screams) Still not sorry!
(G picks up his hat and goes into the lair.)

Monogram: Congratulations, Agent G! You did a brilliant job of defeating Dr. Doofenshmirtz.
Carl: Um, sir, this looks like a completely different dog from the one earlier.
Monogram: That's because he's a master of disguise, Carl. A master of disguise!
(Harp music, dissolve back to the present)

(The Murphy living room)
Doof: And that's the story of the dog you remind me of. The-the one who showed up in the middle, not the one with the hat. He was clearly a secret agent.

(Instrumental of "It's my world and we're all livin' in it!")

Doof: Or maybe you just look familiar because I've been crashing on your couch for a month.
Diogee: (blinks)