An auditorium

Announcer: And the first annual Middle School Safety award goes to: Elliot Decker!

(Elliot walks onstage, pushes the announcer out of the way, and takes his place at the lectern.)

Elliot: Oh, I'm so deeply honoured. To accept this incredible award, since I'm, you know, not a public speaker, I didn't prepare a speech, so please allow me, in my very humble way, to simply say, (overthrows the lectern) "Lights!"

(A spotlight shines on Elliot, who is now wearing a tuxedo with a reflective vest over it. He starts to sing "That's Me".)

Elliot: ♪ Ever since I was hall monitor and wore that safety vest ♪

♪ All the other kids in school were jealous, said I was obsessed ♪

♪ But what you see is what you get, there's nothing more to go on ♪

♪ With me, it's safety first and second, third and fourth and so on ♪

♪ I'm no friend to careless living, danger's biggest enemy ♪

♪ I'm a soldier in the war on accidental injury ♪

Backup singers: ♪ He's the caution king, he's the safety czar ♪

Elliot: ♪ I'm the being-careful superstar ♪

Backup singers: ♪ He's an advocate for living hazard-free ♪

Elliot: That's me!

Backup singers: ♪ So when it comes to cautious living ♪

Elliot: ♪ There's a lot of free advice I'm giving ♪

Backup singers and Elliot: ♪ Got a non-slip, flame-retardant, high-reflective, shatterproof philosophy ♪

Elliot: ♪ If you're looking for a safety czar, that's me ♪

Backup singers: ♪ Yes, if you're looking for a safety czar ♪

Elliot: ♪ Just think of me as life's pace car ♪

Backup singers and Elliot: ♪ If you're looking for a safety czar! ♪

("That's Me" ends abruptly as light from the heavens shines on Elliot.)

Mystical crash test dummy: Elliot Decker, you are destined to be the greatest middle school safety inspector of all time...

(The scene spirals away into Elliot's head, revealing that it was just a dream. Elliot's alarm clock sounds.)

About Danville

(Elliot is busy blunting sharp corners with foam and duct tape. His cell phone rings.)

Elliot: Elliot here. Over.

(The screen splits with Principal Milder's office.)

Principal Milder: Mr. Decker, this is Principal Milder.

Elliot: Hello, ma'am. I was just making the rounds downtown, taping foam rubber on pointy objects. Is this about my résumé? Over.

Principal Milder: Indeed, Mr. Decker. You've been selected as our first candidate for middle school safety inspector. We've been forced to hire from within, and since you're our volunteer crossing guard...

Elliot: Yes! Advancing through bureaucracy. I'll take it! (Goes off-screen) The giant mystic crash test dummy was right!

(Elliot returns on-screen to tape the beak of a pigeon, then goes off-screen again.)

Jefferson County Middle School

(Melissa, Milo, and Zack are seen. Elliot rides in and locks up his bike.)

Elliot: Okay, Elliot, you've got this. Safety is my life. Safety is my middle name. I eat safety for breakfast —

Principal Milder: Good morning, Mr. Decker. Your assignment is to inspect and correct any safety violations. (Elliot is almost exploding with glee.) At the end of the day, if the school grounds conform to code, and there are no major problems, the job is yours.

(Elliot makes a noise of glee.)


(Elliot has a notepad with a checklist written thereon which he is inspecting.)

Elliot: Unsecured trash cans, students without knee-pads or helmets, dangerously abrasive ceiling tiles, exposed electrical sockets, sharp corners on fire extinguisher casing, ...

(Elliot tapes the corners of the fire extinguisher case.)

Elliot: Oh! (Show Milo approaching.) Milo Murphy. If anything goes wrong today, he'll be at the centre of it. (crouches behind a recycling bin) Can't let that walking disaster area out of my sight.

(Mort runs behind Milo, trips on a loose floor tile, and falls headfirst into a recycling bin.)

Principal Milder: (Inside her office) Mr. Decker, is everything okay out there?

Mort: Help me! (Elliot starts to shove him further into the bin) Hey!

(Elliot sits on the bin as Principal Milder emerges from her office.)

Principal Milder: Did you just say something?

Elliot: (nervous) Yes, uh, "Have a help-y day!"

Principal Milder: (skeptical) "Help-y".

Elliot: It's "help" as an adjective.

Principal Milder: Touché.

The music room

(Milo, Melissa, Zack, and Mort are practising.)

Zack: So we get the rehearsal room at free period. How'd you line this up?

Milo: (getting out his accordion) Principal Milder said we could use the music room in exchange for never walking past her office again.

Melissa: Well, can you blame her?

(Flashback. Principal Milder is in her office, studying papers, as Milo walks past.)

Milo: Hi, Principal Milder!

(A submarine breaks through the floor of her office. A mariner emerges from the submarine's control tower.)

Mariner: Gentlemen, welcome to the North — (sees his surroundings, trails off) pole — Oh. (re-enters the submarine as klaxons sound) Dive! Dive!

(Flashback ends.)

Milo: Okay, from the top. Two, three, four! (They start playing.)

(Elliot peers into the window above the door to the music room.)

Elliot: (into his phone) Possible safety violations, music room: left piano wheel bent, tuba improperly affixed to walls, spit valve missing on trumpet, —

(The bell rings; Elliot falls off the chair on which he was standing to see into the music room and behind the door. Milo throws the door open, striking Elliot's knee; he attempts to stifle his scream of pain.)

Elsewhere in the school

(Elliot is limping, and his knee is bandaged.)

Elliot: Having secured Milo's schedule, his present location is the most dangerous of all: science class.

(He steps to the side of the door to the science classroom, picks open a locker with his Swiss Army knife, and climbs into the air vent above the door, reaching down afterwards to shut the locker.)

Elliot: (inside the duct) Possible science class violations: Bunsen burners, volatile chemicals, laser equipment — also, it was way too easy to get inside this air duct. But I've gotta make like a predicate and follow my subject.

(Cut to Milo, Zack, and Melissa in class.)

Zack: Hey, Milo. Ever get the feeling somebody's watching you?

Milo: Sure. Whenever we sit next to Bony Boy. (Zoom out to reveal the classroom's human skeleton.)

Zack: Haha, yeah, that's — that's not creepy.

(The bell rings, and students depart. Zack and Milo put away their microscopes.)

Zack: Hey, can we practise again during lunch? That sounded good this morning.

Milo: Let's do it! Stay gold, Bony Boy. (He and Zack leave.)

(Cut back to Elliot.)

Elliot: Present perimeter secured.

(As Elliot turns round to exit the air duct, it bulges and dislodges the fluorescent lamp below it, which falls to the floor. Screaming, Elliot falls to the floor as well. The skeleton, displaced by the lamp, falls onto Elliot; he pushes it aside. A fire extinguisher falls off the wall and starts flying about the room erratically as Elliot continues screaming. When it finishes, he puts the bones and the fire extinguisher into a cabinet.)

Elliot: I will not let you down, giant mystic crash test dummy.

(Elliot staples a "Science Rules" poster over the hole in the ceiling.)

Elliot: Safe enough. I can't let Milo out of my sight. Ee!

The music room

(As Elliot is looking through a mirror into the window in the door, he tapes his midsection. Within, Zack, Milo, and Melissa are practising "Just Roll with It".)

Elliot: Possible violations: exceeding county noise ordinance, playing a rock song on an accordion, —

(Elliot withdraws as Milo, Melissa, and Zack exit the music room. To his right, Bradley is taking a drink from a water-fountain. It malfunctions and sprays him in the face.)

Bradley: Hey, Elliot! This drinking fountain is leaking! Aren't you gonna report it?

Elliot: In a moment! That menace Milo Murphy is on the move!

Bradley: Nice alliteration.

Elliot: Thanks! I had a whole predicate joke before, but nobody heard it.

(Bradley leaves, and scary music plays as Principal Milder approaches. Growing increasingly nervous, Elliot strikes the water-fountain, then sits on it. He looks around through a magnifying-glass. Water starts to collect in Elliot's pants, inflating them.)

Principal Milder: How is the inspection going, Mr. Decker?

Elliot: Ah, just checking the spackling. Looking good, everything up to code.

Principal Milder: Are you sitting on the drinking-fountain?

Elliot: No.

(Water continues to collect in his pants; they become so full that he starts to rise. After a moment of awkward silence, Principal Milder leaves. Once she is safely out of the way, Elliot cries out as his pants burst, spraying water everywhere.)

(Sopping wet, he tightens a nut on the water-fountain, stopping the leaking. He has taped himself more. He sees Milo, Melissa, and Zack in gym attire.)

Elliot: He's getting away!

(He tries to run after them, but slips in the water, losing his tape.)

Elliot: (gets up) You're not getting away from me, Murphy. (starts slowly after them; the water-fountain starts leaking again) I'm comin' for ya! I'm comin' for ya!

A soccer field

(Milo, Melissa, and Zack are on the field. Elliot is hiding inside a bush, looking out through binoculars which are clearly visible.)

Elliot: No matter what you do, Milo Murphy, this school is safe on my watch.

(A seagull lands on Elliot's binoculars.)

Elliot: Hey! Get off o' there! (He pivots the binoculars repeatedly to try to dislodge the seagull.) Get off o' there! I can't see Murphy! Get — get off o' — (the seagull peeks in) hey! That's my sandwich! Hey! Hey! Stop! Stop! Get outta here! (He stands up, destroying his bush disguise; the seagull flies away. The students look awkwardly at him.) Eep. (He crouches back down and sticks his binoculars out. The students shrug and return to their game.)

The vicinity of the school

(The seagull flies off; cut to a pair of construction workers.)

First construction worker: Would you take a look at this boulder I dug up? The thing's perfectly round!

Second construction worker: Yeah, round.

First construction worker: I mean, it's like a big marble!

Second construction worker: Smooth!

First construction worker: If this thing ever got rolling, it would never stop!

Second construction worker: Never stop.

(The seagull perches on a lever in the backhoe, which sets the perfectly round boulder rolling.)

First construction worker: I shouldn't have left the engine running.

Second construction worker: Nope. Shouldn't have.

(The boulder rolls through a chain-link fence, some trees, and onto the school courtyard.)

Elliot: What the —! Ah! Oh no! The school!

(Elliot doffs his bush disguise and runs to intercept the boulder.)

Elliot: (standing heroically in its way) Stop!

(Elliot opens the school doors to admit it and moves out of the way as it gets still closer. "Just Roll with It" starts.)

Within the school

Elliot: (into a bullhorn) Attention all students: Please (indistinct) the giant boulder! Repeat: ignore giant boulder!

Singers: ♪ Sometimes it looks like there is no solution ♪

(As the boulder rolls into a science lab, Elliot runs past it and pushes all the desks out of its way.)

♪ You wish you had a stronger constitution ♪

(The boulder rolls toward a metal shop.)

♪ Don't have to worry 'bout mistakes you've made ♪

♪ When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

(Elliot runs past the boulder into the metal shop, drops the engine on the engine hoist into the car, and drives it out of the way.)

♪ Do what you're gonna do ♪

♪ There's gotta be something that'll get you through ♪

(Elliot sees that the boulder is rolling toward an "Extra Fragile Crystal Glass Swan Exhibition".)

♪ The world is gonna shake you, but don't you let it break you in two ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

(Elliot runs past the boulder into the exhibition, takes out the fire-hose in the wall, wraps it around the pieces, and draws them out of the way.)

♪ You schedule and plan, but you gotta understand ♪

♪ You're never really in control ♪

(Elliot sees the boulder rolling toward "Precious Middle School Trophies" in a heavy cabinet. He runs past the boulder.)

♪ You gotta learn to let go ♪

♪ And just roll with it ♪

(Elliot pushes the cabinet out of the way with much effort, and the boulder crashes through the wall.)

♪ Hey! ♪

(Instrumental break; Elliot pushes the cabinet back into its former place and looks for the boulder. He sees it is in an elevator and that it has risen to floor 3. He runs up the stairs after it. It rolls out of the elevator onto the roof and crashes into some solar panels, which deflect it toward a water-tower. It hits it, causing it to fall.)

♪ Hey! ♪

♪ Do what you're gonna do ♪

(Elliot unfixes a chimney under the falling water-tower and arranges so that it pours the water safely into the school.)

♪ There's gotta be something that'll get you through ♪

(The boulder rolls toward a skylight, which Elliot opens to admit the boulder back into the school.)

♪ The world is gonna shake you ♪

♪ But don't you let it break you in two ♪

(Elliot watches the boulder descend the stairs toward Joni and another student, who get quickly out of its way. It continues descending.)

♪ Yeah ♪

(Elliot pursues the boulder.)

♪ You schedule and plan, but you gotta understand ♪

(Elliot runs past it and past Milo, Melissa, and Zack who are finishing with gym class.)

♪ You're never really in control ♪

♪ You gotta know to let go and just roll with it ♪

Elliot: Quick! Somebody get the other door!

("Just Roll with It" ends.)

Milo: I got it, Elliot!

Elliot: No, no, Murphy! Not you!

(The boulder rolls past. Zoom out to reveal that Milo indeed held the door open.)

Elliot: It worked!

Milo: Yeah, you did it, Elliot.

Elliot: Stay back, Murphy. You hear me?

Milo: Sure thing. Nice job, Elliot.


(Elliot goes outside and sees the boulder.)

Elliot: Oh no! My bike! (It rolls over it and crushes it.) No!

(Elliot sees Principal Milder coming and throws his crushed bike into a nearby tree to hide it. Principal Milder parks her car and exits it.)

Principal Milder: Is that boulder new? It's perfectly round; I mean, if it started rolling, it would just —

(Elliot's bike falls out of the tree and dashes Principal Milder's windshield. Elliot cringes.)

Principal Milder: Mr. Decker, is that your bike?

Elliot: Um, n—

Principal Milder: Yeah, I thought so! Do you call this a safe environment? (The boulder starts rolling and suddenly crushes Principal Milder's car.) Mr. Decker, you're fired!

Elliot: But I haven't been hired yet!

Principal Milder: Oh, that's right. Well, then, you're not hired. Good day! (walks off)

Elliot: I'll never get this job now!

(Milo walks on-screen.)

Milo: Oh, I'm sure that's not the case. What was the job?

Elliot: School safety officer.

(The sound of an explosion; a great geyser erupts from within the school in the background and dumps the water-fountain near them.)

Milo: Oh no, you're right. You're definitely not getting that. Maybe next time. (walks off)

(A vision opens onto Elliot in which the mystical crash test dummy appears.)

Mystical crash test dummy: Elliot Decker, I — guess I was wrong.

(The vision closes; the end.)

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