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Murphy's Living Room at Night

Brigette: Honey, terrible news. Stake Ashbury is closing for good this weekend.

Martin: Well, I guess we can cross that off our dream board. (Takes out the dream board, blows off the dust)

Sara: What's the End of the Night '70s Style Roller Disco Dance Competition? (Brigette sits next to Martin)

Brigette: Our dream.

Martin: Our dead dream. (Scribbles it on the Shatter Dreams board)

Milo: (with Diogee in his arms) I didn't know you guys liked skating.

Martin: Well, not just skating. We like competitive, '70s-style roller disco dancing. (Brigette gets up and moves to the light switch)

Sara: That's a thing?

Brigette: Gather round, kids. (Turns the light off and grabs a small disco ball) We need to tell you a story.

Milo: Story time. (Everyone joins Milo on the floor) We haven't had that in a while. (Brigette uses a torch on the minature discoball)

Sara: Ah, I miss story time.

Doof: (In his Pyjamas and a teddy). Story time! I'll need graham crackers, milk and a blankie.

Sara: Shh!

Brigette: A long time ago..

Martin: The '90s.

Brigette: ..in a place far, far away..

Martin: Skate Ashbury.

Brigette: There was a young couple, full of the joy of '70's style roller disco dancing...

Doof: Ooh! Who were they? what were their names?

Martin: It was us, Doof.

Doof: You and me? I have no recollection of that.

Martin: No, not you and...agh.

Brigette: I'm just gonna keep going.

(Flashback - All spoken lines are spoken over the top)

Brigette: More than anything, we wanted to win the end-of-night skate.

Martin: But Murphy's Law (a disco ball hits Brigette) always tripped us up, literally. (Martin falls through the floor) Ouch. (Brigette's skates break)

♪ Skating and Dancing ♪

♪ Skating ♪

Brigette: So we simplified our routine and simplified. And finally we managed to get through it without disaster.

Martin: We felt confident..

Brigette: Till we saw who were up against.

Martin: Pete and Tina. The best '70s style roller disco dancers in all of Danville.

(Flashback ends)

Milo: How many roller disco dancers were there in Danville?

Martin: Seven, but you're interrupting the narrative...Anyway..

(Flashback briefly)

(Literally the events Martin describes occur)

Martin: We skated onto the rink, crashed into each other.

(Flashback ends)

Martin: Then crawled off in shame.

Milo: Oh. You should go back.

Martin: Nope.

Brigette: (Same time as Martin's previous line) No way. (Independently) It's not use. Even after four years of '70s-style-roller-disco-dancing-couples-therapy.

(Flashback)

Therapist: So, how does this make you feel? (The incident from the previous flashback happens again)

(End flashback)

Martin: Milo, Murphy's Law plus skates does not equate. (He and Brigette leave, Sara and Milo give each other a look)

Doof: So, that whole story was about them?

Lard World Gardens.

(Dakota and Cavendish are cleaning rubbish.)

Cavendish: I can't believe this is our life. (Pulls trash into his bag) We're just expendable cogs collecting alien rubbish. (Mr Block appears on the screen behind him, after he stops next to Dakota)

Mr  Block: Happy Monday boys. (Both Cavendish and Dakota gasp and turn round to the screen) How are my two favourite refuse engineers. You'll be happy to hear than I have an important new mission for you. You'll be retrieving adorable garden gnomes of alien origin. I'll send you the co-ordinates. Enjoy. (Hangs up)

Dakota: Lawn gnomes?

Cavendish: At least we won't be handling garbage.

The Murphys

Milo: Hey great news everyone. (Milo enters the living room where Brigette, Martin and Sara are playing cards whilst Diogee watches) I signed Mom and Dad up for the final skating competition at Skate Ashbury.

Martin: (Exclaims and grabs a couch cushion and holding it over his head.)

Brigette: Honey, some people are afraid of spiders. Some are afraid of heights. (Martin lowers the cushion)

Brigette and Martin: We are afraid of choking at '70s-style roller disco dancing.

Martin: You've seen our shattered dream board, right?

Milo: Maybe, it's time to face your fears. I can be your coach.

Outside on the drive way

(Martin and Brigette are padded up whilst Milo is standing on a ladder with a blackboard. Instrumental version of Minature Disco Golfing Queen)

Milo: I've choreographed your routine like I pack my backpack. I'm preparing you for any eventuality.

Martin: (Moving a little) Can't we just, you know shimmy in place?

Milo: Do you want to lose!

Brigette: Sir, no, sir.

Martin: (Same time as Brigette) No.

Milo: Ice cream Parlour, Dip and Scoop. (Martin and Brigette attempt the routine) (With a bullhorn) Number 23, the egg beater (Martin and Brigette attempt the routine) (Bullhorn) Spin Cycle. (Martin and Brigette attempt the routine)

Somewhere in Danville.

(Dakota and Cavendish pull up to a pink cottage, they get out of the van, close the doors and head to the gate)

Cavendish: What a charming little cottage.

Dakota: (opens the gate and they both walk through) Who knew Lawn Gnomes were of alien origin?

Cavendish: (Picks up a lawn gnome which has 'made in druesselstein' on it)Well, not all of them  This one appears to be from Druesselstein. Hmm, sounds made up.

Dakota: (As he and Cavendish collect more gnomes) Everything's made up. Spatula, Meringue, Cavendish.

Cavendish: Touché.

Dakota: Touché. It's all made up words. (The door opens and an Old Women appears clearly angry)

Old Woman (OW): That's my gnome!

Cavendish: Hello, madam. My name is Cavendish, (Steps forward) and this is my associate (OW hits him) Ow!

Dakota: (Coming to Cavendish's aid) Hey, hey, hey, hey. (OW hits both of them with her walking stick, and they drop the bags and take off, OW shuts the door, Cavendish and Dakota get up from the other side of the fence)

Cavendish: She's terrifying.

Dakota: Yeah, she reminds me of my mother.

Skate Ashbury Parking Lot.

(Brigette and Martin are practicing, with Sara and Milo with them. Doof rolls up.)

Doof: Was that your routine or did you get a bee stuck in your underwear? Because I've had that happen and...

Sara: What are you doing here?

Doof: Oh, I'm one of the judges. I had a very popular skating video on the internet a ways back.

(Cut to KazzooTube video from Phineas and Ferb's Tip of the Day)

Doof: So, anyhow. But don't worry, I'll be impartial. Matter of fact, I'll take a point off, just because I know you. (scribbles on his clipboard) (as he skates off) I am a superstar.

OW's House

(Cavendish and Dakota are attempting to creep in)

Cavendish: (Whispering) Now, let's just sneak in there and get those gnomes (The gate creaks as he opens it) Huh?

OW on a mobility scooter: My gnome! (She drives up and proceeds to hit both Cavendish and Dakota again with her walking stick, and they eventually run off in different directions)

Dakota: Gotta get outta here

(OW's scooter beeps as she reverses back in after closing the gate)

Skate Ashbury

(Martin and Brigette are warming up, Instrumental version Dance Baby is playing)

Brigette: Hi Bummer.

Martin: Bummer. (Bummer stops near them)

Bummer: Martin and Brigette blast from the past. Oh, hey the same team who beat you back in the day is coming tonight for a re-do. Quite the co-inky-dink. Ha-ha. (Leaves)

Martin: Pete and Tina?

Pete: (As he and Tina come over) Hey Murphys.

Tina: Nice outfits.

Pete: Hey, break a leg. (They leave)

Martin: Ha! Yeah. Probably. Murphy's Law.

Brigette: They're gonna destroy us.

Martin: (Takes out his phone) Just to save time, I'm gonna dial 91, now. (does) It's the first two digits of my friend Ed's phone number. He can drive us to the hospital.

OW's House.

(Dakota and Cavendish are behind a tree across the house. Cavendish uses a grapple gun. They hide behind the tree again to see if there's any movement)

Cavendish: I'm going to hook my belt onto this (attaches himself to the rope) and slide across. When I've filled the basket with gnomes, I'll slide it back to you.

Dakota: (as Cavendish is going across) I totally have your back. (Cavendish starts grabbing Gnomes, and fails to spot the OW in the bushes until seconds later. Dakota runs off screaming. Cavendish hides his face, but OW is gone. He glances around and doesn't see her, until she starts hitting in the stomach)

OW: My gnome! (keeps hitting Cavendish as he keeps saying ow. A waste disposal truck catches on the rope as it drives past, dragging Cavendish behind it) Hey, come back here with my piñata!

Skate Ashbury.

(Martin, Brigette, Milo and Sara watch Tina and Pete skate past, they start their routine. Camera moves to the guys taking inventory of the skates)

Ian : Wow. Hey Cameron, checking out this disco dancing.

Cameron: (walks over) Ian, we're here to take inventory so they can sell this stuff at auction. Stay focused. (turns to face the dancing)

♪ We're skating and dancing ♪

Cameron: Huh, they are pretty good.

♪ Skating ♪

Ian: Whoa. That move was complicated.

Cameron: Amazing!

Ian: This might be the most amazing routine I've ever seen.

Cameron: That anyone's ever seen.

Ian: Wow! How did he throw her like that and do that twist thing and then catch her all in one motion? Did you see that?

Cameron: I don't want to see anything else ever again.

Ian: Perfection.

♪ Dancing ♪

Cameron: This needs to be seen. This needs to be seen by everyone. This should be on T.V. (Whooshing)

♪ Skating ♪

Ian: Whoa! What? How is that even possible?

Cameron: (At the same time as Ian's line) No, they didn't. No, they did not!

Cameron: (singularly) Mind blown, mind blown.

Ian: Is that..is that..

Cameron: Must be some sort of super complicated, amazing finishing moves. (more whooshing)

Ian: Woohoo!

Cameron: Oh, man. (Cheers)

Ian:  (clapping) Now, that is the most amazing routine, I've ever seen. That is the most amazing routine of all time.

Cameron: It's really a crime against culture that this is not on T.V.

(The scene cuts to Pete and Tina who have stopped skating, there's cheering and applauding, Doof holds up a 10)

Brigette: You want to go for some pizza and feel sorry for ourselves?

Martin: I'll get our capes. (goes to leave)

Milo: Wait a minute. You can't quit. This bigger than winning or losing. This is about facing your fear. This maybe hard (gives a bucket to his mom) but the world ain't all kittens and rainbows.  (Gives Brigette a towel, and there's a rainbow suddenly) Okay. Well it's not all kittens. (Spots posters of kittens) Huh. I guess it is all kittens and rainbows.  Anyway....as dad always says, keep your eyes and ears open, and end with the double boogie.

Martin: (inspired) I do say that. I have said that. I say that.

Brigette: You did, you have and you do.  (Puts hand on Martin's shoulder)

Martin: Let's go lose! (They head off)

Old Woman's House.

(Dakota and Cavendish are parked outside)

Dakota: You know, old people go to bed early, so this shouldn't take much longer. (The last light in the house goes off) Told ya. Okay, so now we...

OW: (appears at the van window) My gnomes!

Cavendish: Drive, drive, drive! (Dakota takes off)

Dakota: (after gaining some distance sighs)

(A car engine revs, Cavendish and Dakota scream as it's revealed the OW is in the car behind them)

OW: My gnomes!

Skate Ashbury

(Martin and Brigette start their routine.)

♪ Skating and Dancing ♪

Milo and Sara: Yay!

♪ We're dancing, now skating ♪

(Milo leans against a pillar, which falls, knocks into the wiring for a light fixture, which falls off and through the floor. Milo grabs a bull horn)

Milo: Number 23. The egg beater. (Martin and Brigette dance over the hole spinning after wards)

In Danville.

(The OW is still chasing Cavendish and Dakota, a 'You must be seeing kittens' and 'Knitty Gritty Yarn Factory' truck swerve out the way, with their back facing Skate Ashbury. Kittens and Yarn spills inside.)

Skate Ashbury

♪ We're Skating and Dancing ♪

Milo: (Bullhorn) Spin cycle.

♪ Skating and Dancing ♪

(Kittens play with the Yarn)

YT: Hey, you got kittens in my yarn.

KT: You got yarn, in my kittens.

Milo: (Bullhorn) Ice cream parlour. Ice cream parlour. (Brigette scoops up the kitten as Martin, pulls her into a dip and pulls her back up afterwards

Somewhere in Danville

(The OW gets level with Cavendish and Dakota.)

Cavendish: No!

Dakota: She's still there!

Cavendish: Oh dear, oh dear.

Dakota: How did she go so fast? She's so old.

Cavendish: Look out. (OW starts to hitting the side of the van, in front them is a clear, but construction work for OW, they scream as they go past it, the OW's fall ends up going down the hole in the road.) (sighs) Well, I hope she's... (the wind shield cracks, it's revealed the OW is on top of the van, the windscreen shatters, and she continues hitting them as they drive, Dakota crashes the van into a fire hydrant and OW is thrown off into garbage. The fire hydrant starts releasing water)

Cavendish and Dakota: (groan)

Dakota: Is it over? (hand appears from the rubbish pile, and they scream, both go for their seatbelt shaking)

Cavendish: (As the OW closes in) My seatbelt. It's stuck. I can't get out.

Dakota: Mine's stuck too. She's coming, she's coming (shields his face)

Cavendish: Oh no! (whimpers) We'll give you money for your gnomes.  

Skate Ashbury

(Martin and Brigette continue their routine)

♪ Skating and dancing

Dancing and skating

Yeah ♪

(The roof above the trucks crumbles sending a board into the floor bursting a water pipe, it makes a N shape as it flows up, Brigette and Martin jump through it, and they crowd cheers)

Crowd: Yay.

Sara: Go Mom. (The roof collapses and Sara and Milo run in for a family hug)

Martin and Brigette: We both did it.

Doof: (changing the number of his card) You are a superstar. (holds up an 11) I took one point off because I knew you. Otherwise it would've been a 12.

Cavendish and Dakota's office in the strip mall

(Cavendish and Dakota are laying on the couch with all the gnomes.)

Mr. Block (On the Video phone): Gentlemen. (Cavendish and Dakota sit up) I see you got the gnomes from that sweet old lady. Kudos.

Cavendish: Thank you, sir.

Dakota: He paid her, 50 bucks.

Cavendish: So, can you tell us why the gnomes are so valuable.

Mr Block: Oh, they're not valuable. They're disgusting. The aliens covert their waste into gnomes and use Earth as a dumping ground.

Cavendish: So we are sitting on a couch covered in alien droppings?

Dakota: Is this still a step up from garbage?

♪ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ♪

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