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Cold open

Milo: (narrates off-screen) Previously on Milo Murphy's Law. When time travelers Cavendish and Dakota saved a pistachio plant at my school, that plant grew up, became sentient, and took over the future! I guess whatever can go wrong, really does go wrong! Luckily, we were able to defeat them here in the present, thus saving the future from a vegetary dictatorship. But the crazy thing is, we found out that I was in an episode of Doctor Zone from 1965 — before I was born! And I sent a letter from 1965 to my friends in the present. How did that happen? Stay tuned for this episode of Milo Murphy's Law!

Act I

Somewhere in Danville

(Milo, Melissa, and Zack are screaming as they fall out of the sky in their balloon.)

Milo: Well, I guess you were right, Zack. That was too close to the sun.

Zack: This is not the way I wanted to die!

Melissa: You have a way you want to die?

Milo: Wait guys, I forgot. There's an emergency escape button. (He pushes the button, but it only drops them out of the balloon basket) Ah! Now I remember why I forgot it.

(They continue screaming. Luckily, Dakota drives the time-vehicle onto a ramp, and it catches them, saving their lives.)

Melissa: Whoo-hoo! All right! Okay, so that was fun.

Zack: You and I have different definitions of fun.

Melissa: Cavendish, Dakota. Thanks for the save.

Dakota: Yeah, well, I... I saw you plummeting to your doom, so I swerved up onto that ramp, and then...

Cavendish: Tell them the truth.

Dakota: Yeah, I was trying to get mustard off the steering wheel, it was a complete coincidence. But, glad it worked out for ya!

Zack: We'll take what we can get.

(Milo's cellphone rings.)

Milo: That's weird. It's you guys.

(In the cellphone.)

Dakota: Warning... Big trouble! 1965!

Cavendish: You're just yelling words! Give him some actual information he can use!

Dakota: Oh yeah. Beware the intern!

(Call ends.)

Zack: What the heck was that?

Milo: It says, "Call made in 1965." I don't even remember that being a feature on this phone.

Cavendish: Well, apparently, that is a message from fifty years ago that we have not, as of yet, made. (Melissa imitates mind-blowing) Perhaps we should go check it out.

Milo: Can I go with you? I need to go to 1965 so I can leave my friends that note.

Cavendish: Wait, what?

The Murphy house

(Scene switches to Milo's TV, playing the scene in the lost pilot of The Zone in which Milo was.)

Milo: (on TV) Whatever will we do, Doctor?

Melissa: See? He shows up in the lost pilot episode of Doctor Zone, in 1965.

Milo: Before I was born!

Cavendish: Amazing! You're really quite an awful actor.

Milo: (laughs) I really am! But while I'm there, I give this note to the creator, Orton Mahlson, to give to Melissa and Zack, fifty years later!

Dakota: Yeah! We're going back to the '60s!

(A short scene of Dakota dancing in a scanty bathing suit and body paint, ending with a close up of one of the phrases. The trio find it unusual, while Cavendish is confused.)

Cavendish: What was that?

Dakota: Never mind; let's just get in the car.

Without

Milo: See you guys later! (Diogee barks.) No. Stay home, Diogee.

(The time-vehicle begins to travel, as usual.)

Melissa: Milo and a time machine.

Zack: Yeah, I betcha that ends badly.

The time-stream

Dakota: So, 1965. Where we gonna find this Orton Mahlson guy?

Milo: Well, the first season of Doctor Zone was filmed at Balsawood Studios.

Dakota: A TV studio. Good place to find an intern.

Milo: I bet they'll be filming the most action-packed, suspense-filled, awesome scene right now!

Balsawood Studios in 1965

Orton Mahlson: (pounds his fist on the table) I'm the zoning commissioner, and you, sir, have crossed the line! You're out of the zone! (politely) I mean, what I mean by that, is literally, you're going to have to move this wall. (Trailing off) It's out of the zone that it's required to be in.

Director: No, no. Cut. Okay, take five, everybody.

Producer: Orton, this whole zone thing isn't working for us, see?

Orton: But they say, "Write what you know," and my dad was a zoning commissioner, so...

Producer: It's the '60s, Orton. You gotta be weird, or it'll never get picked up for series. Weird, get it? Baxter, give me something weird.

Baxter: Uh... A grill made out of an old toilet, boss?

Producer: See that? Weird. Like me, in the '60s, talking like I'm from the '30s. See? Weird.

Intern: I need this for perfectly normal reasons. (takes a photo)

Producer: Like this intern. Weird. Weird, weird, weird.

(Orton walks outside of the studio.)

Without

Orton: Weird... (He sees the time-vehicle land in front of him) Hello!

Cavendish: Ah, yes, 1965. And we've got no time to lose, so... (to Dakota) Are you stealing these from the time-stream?

Dakota: Well, it's not stealing. I put 'em there. (he puts the clock in front of his face) Look at this one! It's as big as my head!

Cavendish: (offscreen) You're a moron!

Orton: Something weird.

(Inspired by Dakota and Cavendish, he draws Time Ape and Doctor Zone in his notebook.)

Dakota: I've got a clock face for a face, geddit?

Cavendish: I get it.

Dakota: I got hands on my face, I'm handsome.

Orton: Hey, guys. Can you tell me about this, ah, weird vehicle you have?

Milo: You're Orton Mahlson!

Orton: You know me?

Milo: Yes! You're the creator and star of Doctor Zone.

Orton: "Doctor Zone"? Tell me more.

Milo: (telling while Orton keeps wrting) My favourite episode was the one where you entered that talent contest at the Inter-temporal Zoo. And all the judges turn out...

(A title card reading "TWO HOURS LATER" appears, and it is read in a bad French accent.)

Milo: (singing the theme song) ♪ Time for Doctor Zone! ♪ And that's the theme song.

Orton: I like these ideas. Let's get started.

Milo: You want me to help? (runs excitedly) Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Oh, boy!

The present

Zack: (to Melissa) No, no, no. I swear. It's true. My little brothers can eat with their feet.

(A van stops right in front of them, which Max is driving.)

Max: Hello, children. How has your day been progressing?

Zack: Max? What are you doing here?

Max: I'm so glad to hear it. I would love to see you in our dark, windowless van.

The other Maxes: ♪ Windowless van ♪

Melissa: Okay. On a weird scale of 1 to 10: 78.

Zack: Um... I'm gonna politely decline and back away slowly.

(Melissa and Zack run, while The Lumbermaxes snap fingers and slowly chase after them.)

The Lumbermaxes: ♪ Windowless van ♪

Balsawood Studios in 1965

Orton: And all the villains will be trash cans with light bulbs on their heads. Alright, bring in more weird stuff. Props, give me a Van de Graaff generator and a purple shovel.

Milo: Now it's starting to look more like a sci-fi... (excitedly) Oh my gosh, that's Time Ape! Oh wow. Oh wow.

Cavendish: Milo, we need to find that intern.

Dakota: Yeah, and interrogate him.

Milo: Oh yeah. Let's ask that guy over there.

(Cut to an intern caring for a potted plant.)

Intern: Remember your motivation. Photosynthesis.

Milo: Say, pardon me, but do you know where we could find the intern?

Intern: Uh, I'm the intern. How has your day been progressing?

Milo: (angrily, takes out a cattle prod) We'll ask the questions, scumbag.

Cavendish: Milo!

Milo: Just give me an excuse, punk!

Cavendish: Milo! Please.

Milo: Let me at him! (Cavendish and Dakota restrain him) Oh, I'm... I'm gonna... I'm gonna... Whoa. I'm watching you, shrimp-toes!

Dakota: Milo!

Cavendish: Milo, what in the devil was that?

Milo: (back to normal) Oh, I, um... I thought we were doing good cop, bad cop.

Dakota: And who are you? Dangerously unstable cop? And why do you have a cattle prod?

Cavendish: Ipp, ipp, ipp! (Seizes the intern, who is walking away) Hold on there, slippery beet. Why are we supposed to be "being beware" of you?

Intern: Uh, uh, hey look! He's got a purple shovel. (Runs away)

Milo: Wow, he does!

Props guy: Thanks for noticing.

(He stumbles over a bin, making studio props fall.)

Tobias Trollhammer: But, whatever shall we do, (a crane hook strikes Tobias in the head) Doctor! (He collapses)

Director: Tobias! The Trollhammer kid is down!

Milo: Tobias Trollhammer? He's so young, and unconscious.

Director: We roll in five minutes and we have no kid. (points at Milo) You, kid. You're a kid. You're going on.

Milo: You're kidding.

Director: I kid you not.

Milo: Uh, okay. (to Dakota and Cavendish) You two, find that intern. (Goes off with the Director)

Tobias: Why, Miss Periwinkle, you flatter me!

The props room

(Orton is trying on a Doctor Zone costume.)

Intern: Excuse me, uh, Mr. Mahlson, would you step into this dark closet for perfectly normal reasons?

Orton: Oh, well, if it's for perfectly normal reasons, of course. (goes into the closet; the Intern follows) No, wait. What are you... (being attacked by a Pistachion)

(The Pistachion replaces Orton in the Dr. Zone outfit, but realizes he didn't cover his hand yet, so he uses a gift box to cover it and closes the door.)

The present

(Zack and Melissa run into a diner.)

Melissa: Come on, Zack. We'll hide in here.

Zack: Glad we got away from those weirdos.

(They look at the people in the diner.)

People: How has your day been progressing?

Melissa: Okay, and we'll go right back outside.

Melissa and Zack: Joni?

Joni: How has your day been progressing?

Melissa: Sorry, gotta go. (She and Zack run out the door)

Joni: What did I say? (she looks at the people)

People: How has your day been progressing?

Joni: Well, now that I hear it out loud, it does sound... (a Pistachion captures her; she screams)

Balsawood Studios, 1965

Director: Quiet on the set! Places, everyone!

Milo: Oh, I've seen this scene. It's the scene I'm in!

Pistachion Orton: And... action!

Milo: But, whatever will we do, Doctor?

(The scenery falls. People shout. The falling scenery reveals Orton tied up and gagged in a "janitor" room.)

Milo: Whoa! Another Orton?

Pistachion Orton: Yes. (reveals his Pistachion hand, holding a gun pointed at Milo) Whatever will we do, Milo?

The present, before Jefferson County Middle School

(Zack and Melissa are running past the school.)

Melissa: Is it just me, or is everyone acting weird?

(They are stopped by Pistachion Mr. Drako.)

Pistachion Mr. Drako: Children! (Cut to reveal him in the glaring sun) How has your day been progressing?

Melissa: Mr. Drako, what are you doing in the sun?

Zack: Yeah, we thought you were a vampire — well, Chad did.

Pistachion Mr. Drako: Oh, I'm not a vampire.

(Pistachion Mr. Drako reveals that his left hand is a Pistachion hand. It sprouts a pistachio flower on which he blows smoke on Zack and Melissa.)

Melissa: Whoa, so tired.

Zack: Chad will be so disappointed.

(Pistachion Mr. Drako chuckles evilly as Zack and Melissa are being carried by Pistachions disguised as children. Diogee looks on from a distance. He backs off and runs away.)

The studio in 1965

(Pistachion Orton still has Milo, Cavendish, and Dakota at gunpoint.)

Milo: Well, if you're not Orton Mahlson, who are you?

Pistachion Orton: Who am I? (Pulls off his Orton mask to reveal the Intern) Remember me now?

Milo: (Gasps) The intern!

Pistachion Orton: Oh. Forgot I had this on. Recognize me (pulls off his Intern mask to reveal his Pistachion face) now?

Milo: Wait! Are you King Pistachion?

Pistachion Orton: No. I'm Derek, the king's son. Don't you remember? This guy knocked me off the time limo with a bag of clocks.

Dakota: Was that you? (to Cavendish) Hey, this is the guy I clocked with a bag of clocks.

Cavendish: (puts his hand on Dakota's shoulder) Not a good time to brag.

Dakota: What? There's one of him and four of us. Granted, one's a kid, one's tied up, and one's, well, you, but we can totally take this jerk.

Derek: Ah, but I am not alone! (Snaps his fingers; various crew members take off their human masks to reveal Pistachion faces)

Dakota: Oh! Heh-heh, well um, ah, sorry for interrupting. Go ahead.

Derek: Anyway, I fell out of the time stream and landed in 1955. I spent the next ten years planning my own overthrow of the humans.

Cavendish: Ten years?

Derek: Well, the first seven years were brainstorming, and you know, I had to find an apartment, and I did take one summer off to do some modelling. Yes, I was young and foolish, but I regret nothing! (Walks over to a model of a futuristic city) Then over the last six months, I have really buckled down, and now I have a foolproof plan! Using the profits from this Doctor Zone show, I will systematically replace human beings (Takes up a small astronaut figure and casts it away) with Pistachions wearing rubber masks, until we outnumber everyone (sweeps the astronaut figures off the model) and overthrow the human race! (Laughs evilly, turns to notice that Dakota, Cavendish, Orton, and Milo are gone) Oh, fertilize me! (To crew members) Seriously, did you just let them leave?

Pistachion: Well, we didn't want to interrupt you.

Without

(Orton, Cavendish, Dakota, and Milo are running to their time vehicle.)

Orton: Where are we going?

Dakota: (opens a door) Anywhere but here! Get in the car!

(Everyone gets in. Cavendish tries in vain to start the time vehicle. Dakota notices the Pistachions advancing on them)

Dakota: Uh-oh. Better get us out of here!

(The Pistachions reach the time vehicle and start smashing it.)

Dakota: You're flooding it.

Cavendish: I'm not flooding it!

Orton: (writing in his notepad) Suddenly, the time-travelling plants were upon them. This is very weird.

(The Pistachions continue smashing the time vehicle.)

Dakota: It's not starting.

Cavendish: I can see that!

(Cut to the top of the time vehicle, where Derek is. He notices a cart of "Smash Props" which was moved in front of the time vehicle.)

Dakota: (pulls out his phone) I've gotta warn the future. Warning! Big trouble, 1965!

Cavendish: You're just yelling words! Give him some actual information he can use!

Dakota: Oh yeah. Beware the intern!

(Derek strikes the time vehicle with a swordfish; the impact causes Dakota to drop his phone.)

Milo: Hey. That's just what you said to me!

(Derek continues striking the time vehicle; a tank in it ruptures and spews forth green liquid.)

Cavendish: I think the battery is dead. We need something to jump-start.

Milo: (goes up front with his cattle prod) Here, let's try this. (Zaps the auto-start button)

Dakota: I knew it would come in handy.

(The time vehicle starts. It reverses, hitting some Pistachions, and time-travels.)

Milo: Yes!

The time-stream

Dakota: Hey! What's with all the bubbles?

Cavendish: We're leaking time juice!

Orton: (writes in his notepad) Ooh, time juice. That's weird.

(Cut to a steam gauge whose readout is quickly decreasing.)

Cavendish: If this hits zero, we'll be stuck in the time-stream for ever!

(All scream; Orton writes out "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" and draws a Pistachion head as he does.)

Act II

The time-stream

(The time vehicle is still leaking time juice, and everyone is still screaming.)

Cavendish: She's breaking up!

Dakota: I'm hitting the emergency return! (Pounds a big red button)

The present; before Jefferson County Middle School

(The vehicle time-travels to the present, landing in front of Milo's school. The vehicle sprays time juice to either side of it and falls completely apart, leaking more time juice as it does.)

Dakota: Okay, so according to this, we're back in Milo's time but two weeks later.

Orton: Milo, your future is fantastic! (Points to the school) Look at this building. What is it?

Milo: That's my school.

Orton: It's amazing with all of its vertical walls and doors and... and windows...

Milo: It was built in 1964.

Orton: That's why it looked so familiar. Fascinating! (Starts to write in his notepad)

(The windowless van comes to a stop on the other side of the street; Pistachions Zack and Melissa waddle out of it. Milo runs over to them.)

Milo: Zack! Melissa!

(Cut to Dakota and Cavendish with buckets, rubber gloves, and goggles, cleaning up the time juice and repairing their vehicle.)

Dakota: (sighs) This is a total loss unless we can find more time juice.

Cavendish: So this Derek thinks he can replace every person on the planet with Pistachions wearing rubber masks?

Dakota: What kind of plan is that? It would take, like, fifty years.

Cavendish: Yes, he would have had to start in, like nineteen (trails off) sixty-five.

Dakota: Uh-oh.

(Cut to Milo talking to Pistachions Zack and Melissa.)

Milo: Oh! And I met Time Ape!

Pistachion Melissa: Tell us more. Why don't you join us in this dark, windowless van?

Pistachion Lumbermaxes: ♪ Windowless van ♪

Milo: Uhhhh... yyyyyeeeehhhh...

(Cut back to Dakota and Cavendish.)

Dakota: I guess if one factory can make, like, a thousand masks a-week...

Milo: (running past them) Run, run, run, run! They're plants! They're all plants!

(Orton, Cavendish, and Dakota run away, following Milo. Pistachions Zack and Melissa pursue them, followed by the Pistachion Lumbermaxes in their windowless van.)

Lard World and its vicinity

(Orton, Cavendish, Dakota, and Milo dive into a bush. A windowless van drives by them. Sara is in the van, struggling against the Pistachions.)

Sara: Ugh! Let me go! This isn't funny!

Milo: Sara!

Sara: Let go of me! (Pulls off Pistachion Joni's mask) Oh, it's you guys again. I thought my dog peed you out of existence. (Pistachion Joni shuts the door)

Milo: That was my sister! We have to go after her!

(Milo, Cavendish, Dakota, and Orton run after the windowless van. Cut to Lard World, overgrown by vegetation, whose entrance is guarded by two Pistachions. An instrumental version of the Lard World song is playing.)

Milo: Oh no. Look what they did to Lard World! (The windowless van passes the Pistachion sentinels) Okay, now this is personal. We gotta get in there. (Orton writes in his notepad)

Dakota: Hang on, I got an idea. (Dakota walks off)

Milo: (passing the sentinels disguised as a Pistachion) How has your day been progressing?

Orton: (passing the sentinels disguised as a Pistachion) How has your day been progressing?

Cavendish: (passing the sentinels disguised as a Pistachion) How has your day been progressing?

Dakota: (passing the sentinels disguised as an evergreen) Yo. What's up, chicken butt?

Sentinel: (stops Dakota) Hold on. I don't recognize you.

Dakota: Oh, yeah, I'm, uh... not from around here. I'm from the, uh... the North Branch. (sidles past the sentinels) You should come up for a visit sometime; I'll show you around.

(Beat.)

Other Sentinel: What a nice guy!

Sentinel: Right?

The "Lard World Mask Factory"

(The windowless van is parked before it.)

Milo: Hey look! There's the van. She must be in there.

(Milo, Orton, Cavendish, and Dakota ascend stairs. Milo looks in a window.)

Milo: Look! There she is!

Within

(Sara is struggling against Pistachions.)

Sara: Let me go, you lime-flavoured kale chips! (Her captors put her into a purple pod) Ugh! When I get my hands on you, (a camera descends and takes her picture) I'm gonna chop you up and serve you in a light vinaigrette dressing on green plates, 'cause those are the cheap ones!

(As Sara reviles the Pistachions, a duplicate Pistachion is made and disguised as her.)

Pistachion: (after it has received a Sara mask) How has your day been progressing?

Sara: (held by a Pistachion) What! What is this? Is that me? You evil — ugh! Let me go!

Without

Milo: Come on. We need to see where they're taking her. (runs off along the catwalk; Cavendish, Dakota, and Orton follow) Oh no!

Cavendish: My word!

(Cut to jails made of vines and pan over them. Pistachions walk back and forth; some guard them.)

Orton: Is this what prisons look like in the future?

Dakota: Actually, only ones that are built in theme parks.

Milo: There's Sara! (Cut to a jail, at which stand two sentinels. Some vines open to admit Sara; she is put in. Sara's parents embrace her while Melissa and Zack look on.) My family. My — my friends! We have to do something! (Runs off)

Dakota: No, wait. (Follows Milo) We can't rush in there right now; we're outnumbered.

Milo: But we can't do nothing!

Dakota: Yeah, but we gotta think.

Cavendish: What we need is a working time vehicle. If we can go back in time, we can stop this before it ever started!

Dakota: Yeah, before it started.

Cavendish: We can save all of them!

Dakota: Yeah, we can save all of them!

Orton: But where are we going to get another time bee-hicle?

Cavendish: We're not the only time travellers in this time period.

Dakota: That's right! All we need to do is find Brick and Savannah, (Cavendish turns Dakota's head) and then we — oh wait. (Cut to Brick and Savannah, captured by a Pistachion and being put into a jail) That's them over there. And their time vehicle is right over there. (Cut to Pistachions smashing the time limo)

Cavendish: Well, as long as they don't rupture the time juice tank, we could sneak down later and siphon the — (a Pistachion jumps on the hood, spraying other Pistachions with time juice and age-regressing them)

Pistachion Sprouts: Hey, what the heck! (They bound off)

Pistachion: Nice going, genius. You turned Sid and the guys back into sprouts.

Dakota: Well, I don't see how this could get much worse.

(The catwalk collapses, destroying the lard statues and fountain beneath them. Milo flows toward his family's jail.)

Martin and Brigette: Milo!

Milo: Mom! Dad! (Pistachions close in on him)

Brigette: Milo, get out of here! Run!

Milo: But, but I — (Orton, Cavendish and Dakota doff their disguises; Dakota grabs Milo and runs away) Don't worry, Mom! We're gonna fix this!

(Cut to Melissa and Zack.)

Zack: So what did I say about Milo and the time machine? (Melissa hands him a dollar bill)

("I Can't Stick Around" plays as Milo, Orton, Cavendish, and Dakota run away from Pistachions.)

Singer: ♪ I can't stick around, I'm goin' absentee ♪

♪ I don't know what you think you found, but you didn't find me ♪

♪ I always stay one step ahead, I think you heard what I said ♪

♪ Though you may be a (unintelligible), you're still two steps behind me ♪

♪ So go tell your brother I don't have the time to hover ♪

♪ There's a lot goin' on, don't have a minute to recover ♪

(Milo, Orton, Dakota, and Cavendish begin scaling a Ferris wheel.)

♪ If it's not one thing, it's another ♪

♪ So go tell your brother I don't have the time to hover ♪

♪ There's a lot goin' on, don't have a minute to recover ♪

(Diogee climbs up the Ferris wheel control stand.)

Milo: Hey, look down there! (Diogee barks)

Singer: ♪ If it's not one thing it's another ♪

Milo: (notices Diogee) Uh-oh. Get in the cupcake and hold on!

(Milo, Orton, Cavendish, and Dakota get in the cupcake and hold on. Diogee falls on the levers on the control stand. The Ferris wheel begins spinning at great speed, throwing off the Pistachions.)

Singer: ♪ If it's not one thing it's another ♪

♪ If it's not one thing it's another! ♪

(The song ends. Diogee falls off the control stand; the Ferris wheel stops. Milo, Orton, Cavendish, and Dakota get out of the cupcake.)

Milo: Diogee, go ho— (Diogee whines and starts sadly to go home) Wait, wait, wait. Diogee, (Diogee stops) do not go home. (Diogee's ears perk up) It's not safe. Stay with us. (Diogee bounds happily into Milo's arms and licks him) Okay, okay! Down, boy! Come on!

(They go off. Pistachions notice them and start chasing them.)

A shed marked "Lard Disposal"

Milo: Quick, in here!

(Milo, Orton, Cavendish, Dakota, and Diogee enter it.)

Pistachion: There they are! Get 'em! (Dakota shuts the door)

Milo: (picks up a section of pipe) Block it with this! (Hands it to Orton, who bars the door with it)

(The Pistachions beat against the door, clamouring.)

Pistachion: We know you're in there! (The beating against the door stops) Hey, you sprouts. Go in!

Pistachion Sprout: Come on, guys! (They enter under the door) I'm gonna rip his head off! Ho, he's gonna — get him now!

Dakota: Run, run! (they run) Wait a minute! (Dakota stops and turns to face the sprouts) I could use a snack!

(Dakota grabs two handfuls of sprouts, who start screaming. He eats them. The others run away as he takes another handful.)

(Cut to the adult Pistachions outside, hearing Dakota eating the Pistachion sprouts.)

Dakota: Time for some mixed nuts!

Pistachion: Ugh, that is just wrong! (breaks the door open, roars at Dakota)

Dakota: Oh crud. (casts the Pistachion sprouts aside and runs away)

A lard stream in a tunnel

(Cavendish, Milo, Orton, and Diogee are in a boat.)

Cavendish: Dakota!

(Dakota jumps into the boat, and it speeds away. The Pistachions pursuing him fall into the lard river.)

Dakota: Where in the world did you find this?

Orton: It was anchored in the tunnel.

(Cut to the Pistachions in the lard river.)

Dennis, a Pistachion: Ugh, nobody tell the boss about this.

Another Pistachion: (holding a phone) Hey, Dennis! It's the boss!

Dennis: Aw, great.

The boat

(Orton is writing in his notepad.)

Cavendish: Well, that's it, I guess. There are no more time vehicles in this era. We're stuck.

Milo: No such thing as stuck. Life has a strange way of working out. You just have to keep trying.

Dakota: You know, kid, the great Professor Time had a very similar philosophy despite years of constant setbacks.

Milo: You mean the guy who actually invented time travel?

Cavendish: Wait a moment! I'm not sure, but I think Professor Time was alive in this era (pulls out a device) and — yes! He actually lived in this city! Nine two nine seven Polly Parkway!

Dakota: Well, yahoo for him, but that doesn't help us; he won't invent time travel for another (looks at his wristwatch) what, twelve years.

Milo: If we can get to Professor Time, maybe we can get him to invent time travel faster! It's already in his head somewhere; we just need to get it out earlier.

(The boat goes over a small lard "water"-fall.)

The end of the lard drain

Cavendish: Well, we'd better hurry and find him before he gets replaced by a Pistachion.

(The boat runs up against a giant grille and stops.)

Milo: Hey! Look down there! A way out! I've never been so happy to see the local sewer system!

Orton: And how do we get out of this — (pulls on the grille) ugh! — grease trap contraption?

(Dakota moves over to the tiller.)

Dakota: Ooh! I'm about to be brilliant. Everyone hold on!

(Dakota drives the boat up the river a short distance.)

Cavendish: What the devil are you doing?

(Dakota drives the boat against the grille, but it does not move. Everyone is thrown against it.)

All: Ow!

Cavendish: Is that what you call "being brilliant"?

Dakota: Hey, it works in the movies.

(The Lard World song starts up; the passengers of the boat look around. They see the shadow of Lardee Boy. He comes out from behind some pipe-work.)

Milo: Hey! It's Lardee Boy! Official mascot of Lard World, beloved by children everywhere!

Dakota: What are you, his agent?

(The boat drives over to the bank of the lard river.)

Milo: He must have been chased down here too! (He and Orton disembark.)

Orton: Fascinating! (writes in his notepad) A lard person!

Milo: (hugs Lardee Boy) Lardee Boy! Boy, are we glad to see you! We need your help. Do you know any way around this grease trap? (Lardee Boy falls over out of Milo's view, revealing a giant Pistachion inside the costume) Oh, and we'd really like to avoid any more of those (trails off as he sees the Pistachion) Pistachions....

(The giant Pistachion bursts out of the Lardee Boy costume; Milo runs away. The giant Pistachion rears up and roars.)

Dakota: (starts up the boat) Come on, Milo!

(The giant Pistachion reaches for the boat and misses. It decides to go after Milo, who goes over a narrow bridge. The bridge collapses under the Pistachion's weight, but not before Milo makes it to the other side. Orton hides behind pipe-work, looking on. Diogee gets out of the boat and swims after the Pistachion, barking at it.)

(Milo jumps on a pipe, causing a steam gauge to fly up to a lard spout. It strikes a chain holding it up, and the spout tips over.)

Milo: Uh-oh! (Dives away from the spout)

(The Pistachion bats the spout away, which sticks in a catwalk.)

Milo: Orton, incoming!

Orton: (stops writing in his notepad) Oh my! (Ducks out of the way of a falling chain)

(Diogee climbs onto the bank and slides up to the Pistachion. Diogee barks at the Pistachion, who tries to grab him. It cannot, because Diogee is greasy from swimming in lard.)

Milo: Thanks, Diogee!

(The boat drives up to Milo.)

Cavendish: We've got you, Milo! (Milo jumps into the boat)

Milo: Wait. Drop me off there; I've got an idea! (Jumps out of the boat onto an island) Orton! Tie the end of the chain to the grease trap!

Orton: Will do!

(Orton takes the chain and goes to the grille to tie it, Diogee following. The Pistachion menaces them, but it is distracted by Milo's air horn.)

Milo: (throws his air horn at the Pistachion) Woo-hoo! Hey, come get me, you giant nutjobber! (The giant Pistachion puts its hand in the lard river, but withdraws it again in pain.) Boy, I could sure use a snack! (Produces a packet of pistachios from his backpack) Oh look, pistachios! (Opens his mouth to pour pistachios in, but spills them on the ground) Oops! I spilled some! (Continues spilling) Oops! Oops! (Steps on the pistachios; the giant Pistachion roars) Sorry, I didn't mean to step on them! (Dances on the pistachios, playing a concertina)

(The Pistachion springs over the river after Milo; he dodges and throws away his concertina.)

Milo: How's it coming, Orton?

Orton: (atop the grease trap, holding the chain which has been tied to it) Got it.

(The Pistachion chases after Milo, but it gets its hand stuck in the lard spout. Milo runs away.)

Milo: Cavendish! Come pick me up!

(Milo jumps after the boat, the Pistachion following. Just when it looks like the Pistachion will grab Milo, its hand is restrained by the lard spout. Dakota catches Milo in the boat. As Cavendish drives off, the Pistachion pulls against its restraint and dislodges the grille, which flies out and strikes the Pistachion square in the face.)

Milo: Hurry up! Go get 'em!

(They receive Orton and Diogee. The Pistachion gallops after them as they drive over a lard-fall. They escape the Pistachion, who is left hanging by his wrist as the grille is restored to its place.)

Giant Pistachion: Now what are you gonna do?

The entrance to the sewers

Dakota: Yeah! We're home free! (The boat goes over a concrete landing and overturns) Ugh. I really need to rethink my definition of "home free". So! Which way to Professor Time's place?

Cavendish: Hm, let's see, the directional pointer says — (Cavendish's device short-circuits, giving him an electric shock; he drops it) Ow! Blast! We'll never find Professor Time now!

Dakota: But wait. You said the address out loud. Something something Cracker Road, or something.

Orton: Oh! (takes out his notepad) I think I wrote that down! (Flips a page) Nine two nine seven Polly Parkway.

Dakota: Oh, Polly wants a cracker, Cracker Road — that's how my mind works.

Milo: Nine two nine seven Polly Parkway. It's right down here! (Points down a tunnel) I know these sewers!

Dakota: You know these sewers?

Milo: Don't get me started. (Puts on a headlamp and turns it on; starts down the tunnel) Come on! (Everyone else follows him) Raccoon! (Ducks as a raccoon sails over his head; they continue)

A parking garage; an elevator

(They emerge from a manhole, and Diogee calls the elevator. They get in.)

Dakota: Ooh, I can't believe we're gonna meet him. He's a legend!

(The elevator doors close, and it rises.)

Cavendish: Well, he will be. A legendary inventor and brilliant innovator! If anyone can help us, he can.

A room with purple walls and floor and green décor

(The elevator arrives.)

Milo: Hello? (They get off the elevator) Mr. Professor Time, sir? (They walk into the room)

(A beep; a lamp on a desk lights. A beat; a net is thrown over them, entrapping them all. A mechanical claw reaches down from the ceiling and grabs the net to suspend it. All exclaim.)

(Cut to a door frame in a wall.)

Milo: (as a figure starts walking through the door frame) Professor Time? (Cut to Milo.) My name is Milo Murphy, and we need your help.

(Cut again to the door frame. The figure stops walking; he is revealed to be Heinz Doofenshmirtz.)

Doofenshmirtz: Wait, you're not the pizza delivery guy! (Cut to Doofenshmirtz and his captives) This is my pizza delivery guy trap!

(The end; "TO BE CONTINUED..." is superimposed on the shot.)

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