(Pitch)[]
Narrator: You loved Krillhunter and Krill Hunter II: Krilling Me Softly. You were mildy amused by Krillhunter 3: Psycho Kriller and Krill Hunter 4: Krill Bill 2. You paid admission, but were thoroughly dissatified with Krillhunter 5, 6, 7 and in particular 8: Good Krill Hunting. And you were throroughly confused by the giant remote controlled car race in Krillhunter 14: We Don't Know What We're Doing. Now, be prepared to be blown away by the all-new franchise reboot...Krillhunter: Lady Krillers.
Director Guy: Well, what do you think D.B?
D.B: It's genius. You recast all the men as women? You got yourself a green light.
Jefferson County Middle School fields[]
Melissa: I can't believe they're casting and shooting the next Krillhunter movie right here in Danville.
Milo: I can't wait to see Tobias Trollhammer again. (pointing to a down looking Tobias) There he is. Tobias! (runs over to Tobias with Melissa and Zack)
Tobias: Hi, Milo. Milo's friends.
Milo: What's wrong?
Tobias: Everything. They- they don't want me in the movie.
Milo: (shocked) Whhhaaattt?
Tobias: This Krillhunter is all women. Like they're taking the movie, and remaking it. With women!
Melissa: Cool! (realizing what she did) I mean, not for you I guess. (She notices Milo's gone.) Wait, where's Milo? (She and Zack look down and find their Milo lying on the field, eyes closed and kneel down.)
Zack: He must have fainted.
Milo: (waking up) Oh, I just had the most horrible dream. They were making a Krillhunter movie without Tobias. (Melissa and Zack help him back to his feet.) It sounds so silly now in the light of day, but it seemed so real.
Melissa: Milo, it is real. That's what he just said. (Milo faints again.)
Tobias: I don't know what to do. If the film is a hit, they'll never need me again. But if it flops, it'll destroy the franchise and they'll never need me again! I need these movies. I could literally lose my house. I mean I could sell for a million dollars, but I can't live in a million dollars. I'm not a silverfish.
Melissa: What about the money from all the other films you made?
Tobias: I blew a lot of it on krill-themed art. (The shot cuts to his mansion to show a gold statue of Tobias fighting a giant krill using a spear atop a fountain.) Milo, you have to help me.
Milo: (recovering) Why?
Zack: They're making the new Krillhunter without Tobias.
Milo: Oh, really? (He faints once more.)
Melissa: Don't worry, Tobias. We got this.
Tobias: Thank you, Milo's friend girl. Somehow, some way I need to be in this film to show the world they can't make a Krillhunter movie without Tobias.
Melissa: Too bad you're not a women.
Milo: (Gets back up) I've got it. (runs off, before coming back) I forgot to say 'follow me.'
Desert outside of Danville[]
(Bird screeches, Cavendish is on the phone, whilst Dakota is litter picking with headphones in, whilst he dances)
Cavendish: Sir, I can't believe this is the best use of our talents. Picking up alien rubbish?
Mr Block: You two are indispensable in this role.
Cavendish: But if our agency is covering up...
Dakota: (picks up chocolate bar and sniffs it)
Cavendish:. ...of alien life forms. Perhaps we could deal with the actual alien life forms. (Dakota puts the chocolate in his pocket)
Mr Block: (chuckles) Oh, heavens no. That's the boring, talky stuff. You're doing the real work (camera pans out to show PIG members fighting a green alien creature) and keep it up fellas. Remember, alien trash needs you. (Hangs up with a beep)
Dakota: (dancing to 'I'm Lindana')
Cavendish: Ugh, alien trash. This is rubbish which means trash.
Dakota: Can't hear you.
Cavendish: (knocks Dakota's headphones off with a litter picker) And I don't even think this is alien trash anymore. (picks up bag of chips) It's just regular human trash.
Dakota: Eh, we're outdoors, it's a nice day. I've got my tunes. (puts headphones back on and sings alone) /I'm Lindana and I wanna have fun./
Cavendish: Well, at least it isn't the Lumberzacks.
Dakota: (continues to pick up trash whilst dance to music)
Alien: (Squeaks as Dakota picks it up)
The Murphy House[]
(Tobias is in Milo parents's room with Zack, Melissa and Milo. Zack puts a wig on Tobias, whilst Milo holds a seqened pink dress in front of him.)
Milo: You want something to project strength (he and Zack change their items), but also a certain vulnerability.
Melissa: (walks in with a make up bag) I raided the bathroom for makeup, but I think your mom's more of an autumn and Tobias is clearly a winter.
Milo: (puts finger up) As my dad always says, 'you can put lipstick on a pig.' (blank looks from everyone else) What? You can.
(Melissa starts on Tobias' make up)
♪ Tobina, you got it goin' on
Though it takes a makeup marathon
To make you vaguely pretty
Now's your chance to hit that city.
Tobina, you got looks but also brawn.
You're as pretty as some flour (A bag of flour)
And you might have to shave in an hour
We believe that you'll achieve
Your every dream.
I don't wanna be too graphic (Not too graphic)
But you've got a face that could stop traffic
Though you're a star
We'll keep you far from the freeway.
(Just for safety)
Tobina (She really smolders)
Tobina (With such big shoulders)
Tobina
Tobina... ♪
Desert Outside Danville[]
(Cavendish and Dakota are now using a single bag for trash, which suddenly moves as Cavendish goes to add a bottle. )
Dakota: (notices and removes his headphones)
Cavendish: Please stop moving the bag.
Dakota: I did not move the bag.
Cavendish: Well, somebody moved the bag and it wasn't me. (Alien pulls the bag up suddenly, Cavendish yelps and jumps into Dakota's arms)
Dakota: So, still think it was me?
Jefferson County Middle School fields: Lady Kriller Auditions[]
Director: Next. (Milo leads Tobias in front of the casting crew)
Milo: Hi. My Aunt Tobina wants to audition for Lady Kriller.
Director: Okay, let's see what you got, Auntie. (reading from script) 'Help, help, somebody help me.'
Tobias: (in falsetto) Stand back! I'm going in for the krill. I'm a woman who's dressed to krill! (fake fires harpoon gun, before grunting as he throws himself to the floor, he pulls some grass, the casting crew look impressed)
Director: Amazing. She's like a female Tobias Trollhammer.
D.B: Can she handle the physical demands of the role?
Director: We'll find out. Prepare the gauntlet.
Desert outside Danville[]
the alien trash bag is moving, Cavendish is now behind Dakota, and they move back as it inches closer, and Cavendish moves to his knees holding Dakota's leg and hip, the alien goes back down.
Cavendish: Great gollywockers. (The alien takes off, Cavendish now holding both of Dakota's legs) What do you think that is?
Dakota: I don't know. Maybe we picked up something alien after all.
Cavendish: (comes out infront of Dakota) Yes! This could be our chance to prove that we can handle more than trash. We've captured an alien. (Points to the now gone bag) Wait! Who moved the bag?
Dakota: It was not me. (He and Cavendish scream as they noticed the Alien has gotten away)
Cavendish: (pointing) After that renegade rubbish! (they run after it)
Jefferson County Middle School fields: Lady Kriller Auditions[]
Tobias: I don't know if I can do this.
Milo: I believe in you Tobias.
Director: Tobina, you're up.
♪ She's a big bold bombshell
and she's just about to lose her patience
She's a fierce fine feminine
force fighting tiny crustaceans
Ahhhhhhh
Lady kriller
(Lady Kriller)
(She's a Lady Kriller)
Ahhhhhhh
Our Lady kriller
(Lady Kriller)
(She's a Lady Kriller) ♪
Desert Outside Danville[]
(Cavendish and Dakota are trashing the alien, Dakota has a lasso rope)
Cavendish: Get it before it gets away again!
Dakota: I'm trying, but I've only had one lesson. (Lasso lands on Bison's head) Oops!
(Bison bellows as it turns round and chases both Dakota and Cavendish, Cavendish slips and is run over by the Bison. Later Cavendish tries to stalk after the bag, only for Dakota to accidentally catch him with the ball net. Dakota runs back as he notices the Bison coming back to stomp on Cavendish again. Cavendish orders a big trap, that lands from a plan in the sky, turning out to be....a Bison which tramples him again. Later, Dakota rides the Bison dangling Cavendish in front of it with a fishing rod, they come up along side the alien trash).
Dakota: It's working (Both Cavendish and Dakota lunge for it) Go it!
Cavendish: Good show. I daresay it was..(alien starts fighting against them, before taking off, they scream as it pulls them along, through thorn bushes, sharp rocks and into Danville)
Cavendish: Dakota!
Dakota: I'm not moving it.
Jefferson County Middle School fields: Lady Kriller Auditions[]
Director: The final part of your audition. (puts to mud) Crawling through the mud while singing acapella.
Tobias: (falsetto) How does this..
Director: And go.
(Tobias grunts as he throws himself into the mud)
Tobias: (singing whilst using falsetto voice and crawling) ♪ Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday. ♪
Milo: (on the side with Melissa and Zack) You can do it, Auntie Tobina.
(The Alien pulls Cavendish and Dakota across the mud towards Tobias, whilst they continue to scream and they collide with Tobias, who's wig flings off, it lands at the director's feet as the alien drags Cavendish and Dakota off)
Tobias: (sits up as the director picks the wig up, everyone gasps)
Milo: Oh no.
Director: Tobias Trollhammer? You were playing us for fools. We'd look like idiots if we cast a man to play a woman. What is this Shakespeare?
Assistant: This is not Shakespeare.
Director: (uses thumb to point behind him) You're out Trollhammer. Out, out, out!
Tobias: (Gets up) No! I am Krillhunter. I will always be Krillhunter. It is not because I'm a man or because I'm a wearing a dress. It is because I am a man wearing a dress. I may have lost my train of thought, but the point is. I am Krillhunter! And no one can take that away for me.
(Everyone clapping)
Director: That was amazing, who knew you had such range? You'd be perfect for the movie, as the villian.
Somewhere in Danville.[]
(The alien has pulled Cavendish and Dakota through an intersection, cars try to swerve out of the way, it starts to tire and slow down, it eventually collapses in exhaustion)
Cavendish: Huzzah! We did it!
Dakota: Yes. No one can ever say that we are worse than trash ever again.
Cavendish: We have succeeded in our mission and...(realises what Dakota said) Wait, do people say that?
Dakota: Eh...
Cavendish: Well, no matter. We will be heartily praised when we show whatever this thing is to Mr Block. (a light green beam comes down)
Dakota: Uh-oh. (He and Cavendish are pulled upwards by the beam)
Cavendish: (grunts) No you don't! (climbing higher) Do you levitate your mother like this? I don't think so. (Dakota pulls himself up, the bag is suddenly ripped from their arms, and they scream as they fall, they land heavy on their backs. Sits up and sighs) We failed yet again.
Dakota: (sits up) Well, atleast it can't get any worse than this, I guess. (The aliens dump the rest of the contents of the trash bag, a banana peel lands on Cavendish's hat)
Cavendish: Now it can't get any worse.
Dakota: (as he gets up) Bison. (runs)
Cavendish: What (Bison tramples him again)
Jefferson County Middle School fields: Lady Kriller Auditions.[]
Tobias: (still covered in mud shakes hands with the director, puts his arms up) My house is safe and none of this would have happened with you, Milo and Milo's friends. (Melissa and Zack nod)
Milo: I knew you could do it, Tobias. (runs after the director who is now getting in a helicopter) Uh, wait. Mr Director? (the director turns back to Milo) Won't making the Tobias the villain cause some continuity problems, since Tobias was the hero of the franchise for all those years? Can you really just wedge him in without some really substantial changes to the cannon and the new script?
Director: (As he straps himself into the seat in the helicopter.) Who cares about the script? We don't even read those anymore. We do what we want with no regard, to plot or character or making sense to the people watching it. Confusing stuff, cabbage tree, vacuum cleaner. (Helicopter flies off)
Milo: I've learned my lesson, I have no idea what it is.
Zack: (points) Bison. (Bison tramples Tobias, as Melissa, Zack and Milo run off)
♪ It's my world and we're all livin' in it. ♪
Outro somewhere in the Danville Desert[]
Billy Bison: (filming himself) Hi, I just wanted to take a quick moment to talk about today's episode. (Clips are shown of him during Bison shots) You may or may not have noticed me in the background for several scenes involving Bison. Did you see? Like there and there. Uh, my name is Billy Bison, I'm the great, great, great grandson of Frederick Bison the originator of Bison's law. Which states 'whatever can go Bison, will go Bison.' I'm really sorry about tonight's episode, I feel like I kinda hijacked it a little. (Bison stampede behind him and he runs carrying the camera) Okay. Oh, I better speed this up. Okay, once again, I just wanna say I'm sorry and I better just jump right to the end! It's my world and there's all Bisons in it. (the Bison catch up)