The Murphy house[]
(Brigette Murphy is at the dining-room table, working on blueprints. Sara Murphy enters wearing a hazmat suit.)
Brigette: (notices Sara) Oh, Dad and Milo are out for the day.
Sara: (takes off mask) Ugh! (continues doffing hazmat suit)
Brigette: I figured it was a good day to work on anything I don't want set on fire. (Sara sits down.) What are you up to?
Sara: Lunch with someone I have been secretly and clandestinely pining over for months. Don't feel bad you didn't know. I play things very close to the vest.
Brigette: Neal from the comic shop.
Sara: (opens her eyes, shocked) Oh. Yeah. Well, we may or may not be going on a date.
Brigette: Okay! I don't need to know!
Sara: No, I don't know! It might be a date, or it might be as friends.
Brigette: Well, did he ask like, "Wanna have lunch?" or (flirtily) "You wanna have lunch?"
Sara: (holds out her phone) He asked with a lunchbox emoji and a question mark.
Brigette: (confounded) Okay. What was his tone when he was texting?
Sara: Exactly.
Brigette: (sighs) I remember the first time I went out with your father. He brought an extra hazmat suit just for me. That's how I knew it was a date.
Sara: (arises with a start) So you think it's a date? Please! Warn Dad! Initiate the necessary precautions!
(Brigette calls Martin on her phone.)
Martin: Hello.
Brigette: Oh, hi, hon. You think you can text Sara when you're on your way back? (Cut to Martin, Milo, Melissa, and Zack in winter gear, driving in a van.) She's either got a date, or not a date at the diner downtown.
A snowy road[]
(Martin, Milo, Melissa, and Zack are driving, all dressed in winter gear.)
Martin: Got it. We'll keep Murphy's law far away from the date-not-date at the diner downtown. Bye, honey!
(The next three lines are spoken simultaneously.)
Milo: Bye, Mom!
Melissa: Bye, Mrs. Murphy!
Zack: Bye, Milo's mom!
Melissa: (to Zack) Well, luckily for Sara and us, today the full force of Murphy's Law will be on Bluster Mountain — flying down hilly, slippery surfaces at increasing velocity.
Zack: Are you sure we should be doing this with two Murphys?
Martin: Milo and I have been skiing lots of times. Snow is soft, and it melts. Unlike, for example, concrete, which is the worst invention in the history of mankind!
Milo: The worst!
Martin: There are only so many things that can go wrong with snow.
Milo: Sixty-two, actually. (produces a notebook) I brought a list.
(Cut to high above the road on which they are driving. A bear stands on a concretion of snow, which crumbles beneath it. The bear steps back. Follow three falling chunks of snow as they roll down a hill, increasing in size and tearing up dead trees. They go over a natural ramp and fly towards the Murphy van. The van stops suddenly, and the three great snowballs come to a stop, one on top of another. Several pebbles and a branch embed themselves in the top snowball to complete a giant snowman.)
Martin: And that is one of them.
Milo: (marking it in his notebook) Giant snowman, check. That was number twelve.
The diner downtown[]
(The diner downtown is actually called the Diner Downtown. Sara and Neal sit at a table, facing each other. A waitress hands them their drinks as they eat.)
Neal: So... how long have you been a Doctor Zone fan?
Sara: Hm... (draws in a very deep breath and talks very quickly) Well, the truth is, my dad used to watch it when I was in fourth grade and I got to the point where I would run downstairs (cut to Neal, who is increasingly distressed as Sara continues speaking) every time I heard the theme song (cut to the patrons of the diner who look worriedly in Sara's direction, then back to Sara) and then I wouldn't want to watch anything else and then I watched every episode until I could write it down from memory and then I asked my mom if I could change my name to "Time Ape" and she said no.
(An awkward pause; a patron coughs.)
Neal: (nervous) That is really weird. (gets up from his seat) Um, I think I need to go. I'll see you around the comic shop, the place where I work, but in which I am not at all personally invested. (jogs off)
(Transition to Sara, eyes shut tightly, looking worried.)
Sara: No no! (opens eyes)
Neal: (holding a container of mustard) No what?
Sara: No... mustard?
Neal: (swallows, puts the mustard container back on the table) If you feel that strongly about it. (Sara sighs.) I like that you have strong feelings about things.
Sara: You do?
Neal: Yeah. Not many of my friends have that quality.
Sara: (dejected) Oh. We're... friends. (to herself) Not a date.
Bluster Mountain[]
(Martin, Milo, Melissa, and Zack are riding a ski lift up the mountain. All have skis except Zack, who has a snowboard.)
Martin: It sure is nice to finally get up here. It's just so relaxing —
(Milo, Melissa, and Zack get off the ski lift safely, but Martin does not; he falls off it and tumbles down the mountain.)
Martin: (as he falls) Just a sprain! Happens all the time! (continues falling) Have fun! Meet you back at the lodge for hot cocoa!
Melissa: Moving right along on that list. (She, Zack, and Milo start down the slope)
Zack: It's not a to-do list.
Melissa: I know! I don't want to see anyone hit a tree, or anything.
(Forthwith, Milo dodges a tree while skiing.)
Milo: Tree! (He and Zack move out of its way)
Zack: Thanks! Great reflexes!
Melissa: (loses a ski) Whoa!
(They stop, and Melissa's lost ski continues down the slope, through a gap in a chain-link fence, and over an immensely high cliff. A hawk cries.)
Milo: (pulls a folded ski out of his backpack) I ordered this from a company online. (unfolds the ski) They make skis and crutches.
Melissa: (Milo hands her the ski) You really are prepared for everything on that list.
Zack: Maybe you should read it to me so I'm prepared too. Emotionally.
Milo: (puts his backpack back on) What fun would that be?
(Baying of wolves is heard; cut to them running at Milo, Melissa, and Zack.)
Zack: Does your list include wolf attacks?
(Milo, Melissa, and Zack cower, and the wolves continue past them.)
Zack: What are they running from?
(They look back.)
(Transition to Milo, Melissa, Zack, and the wolves fleeing an avalanche.)
Zack: Get out of the way, you stupid wolves!
The Diner Downtown[]
(Sara and Neal are eating ice cream.)
Neal: And that's why I didn't think Time Ape was Doctor Zone's brother!
(A small Sara in Doctor Zone costume appears next to Sara's head.)
Doctor Zone Sara: People don't talk about Time Ape on dates!
Neal: It was your theory about the chromium gazebonate that convinced me! It was brilliant.
(Another small Sara, this one in a Time Ape costume, appears on Sara's shoulder.)
Time Ape Sara: Compliment! One point for date.
(Neal belches.)
Neal: Ooh! Excuse me!
(A small Sara in a dragon costume appears next to Sara's head.)
Dragon Sara: Not date.
Time Ape Sara: Date!
(A small Sara in a fairy costume appears above Sara's head.)
Fairy Sara: Not date.
(A small Sara in a knight costume appears beside Sara's head.)
Knight Sara: Date!
(Another small Sara, this one dressed as a sorcerer, appears above Sara's head.)
Sorcerer Sara: Not date.
(Sara chuckles nervously.)
All small Saras: Don't worry. He can't see us.
A slope labelled "TOBOGGAN CHUTE"[]
(Milo, Melissa, and Zack stand at the top of the slope, their toboggan resting on the metal strip that constitutes the toboggan track. Milo is consulting his notebook.)
Zack: Large sheet of metal on a steep incline covered in ice. And we think it's a good idea to slide down it.
Melissa: I don't want to tempt fate around Milo, but it seems pretty safe. And we can see the end of it.
(They get on the toboggan and push off; they start to slide down. Milo, Melissa, and Zack exclaim with enjoyment as they slide down.)
(A pair of men move to set up on the slope, but a bolt pops out of the metal strip.)
First man: That silly bolt popped right out of there!
Second man: Yeah, right out.
First man: There's only one more bolt holding that thing in!
Second man: Yup, just one.
First man: If that other bolt popped out of there, this metal sheet'll roll up like a big spool!
Second man: Yup, a spool.
(The other bolt pops out, and the metal strip begins to spool.)
First man: Probably should've told somebody or done somethin' about it instead of standing here yappin'.
Second man: Yup, probably.
(Milo, Melissa, and Zack come to rest at the base of the slope. The metal strip, in the course of spooling, flings them high; they scream. The toboggan runs up the roof of a lodge and stops on top of its chimney.)
Zack: (alarmed) Maybe that list was incomplete!
Milo: No, this was, like, number seven. But we made it to the lodge. That's where we're supposed to meet Dad.
The lodge[]
(Tilt down to look into a window of the lodge, then cut to inside; Martin is in view, his foot propped up in a cast, a crutch beside him, reading an issue of Fossil Fuels Monthly.)
Martin: You know, (pulls out a small bag of coal) I really don't like it when they put free samples in these magazines. (casts it into the fireplace, pulls out a small pouch of oil) It makes it very awkward to read. (casts it into the fireplace, turns the page) Oh, come on! (pulls out a little canister of natural gas and casts it into the fireplace.)
(Martin looks over at the fireplace.)
Martin: (after a moment's consideration) That might not have been a good idea.
(The fireplace flares up. Cut to the chimney, where Melissa, Milo, and Zack still are; they are shot sky high and scream. They land on a high mountain and start sliding down. They stop screaming but start again as the steepness of the mountain increases.)
A plain beyond the mountain[]
(The Snow Flyer 3 team is gathered near a man dressed in flame-retardant safety gear and holding his helmet. A sled labelled "SNOW FLYER 3" with a great rocket on it sits in the background.)
First team member: Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of the team, I present this placard to Sergio McInnes, who has broken the land speed record on snow aboard his ship, Snow Flyer 3.
(The other team members applaud; the First hands Sergio the placard.)
Sergio: Thank you, thank you; I cannot believe this day has happened; (starts to tear up) I've worked for this dream my entire life; my dad tried to break this record aboard the Snow Flyer 2, and died; (wipes away tears) my grandfather died aboard the Snow Flyer 1; spent my whole life here building the Snow Flyer 3; (Milo, Melissa, and Zack's toboggan slides down the mountain within his earshot; he looks back) my wife and kids left me, but I'm here. I feel good! (holds up his placard) I did it, Dad! (Milo, Melissa, and Zack slide in screaming) I —
(The toboggan whizzes past them, kicking up large clouds of snow. The First team member times it with his stopwatch and snatches the placard back from Sergio. After a beat, Sergio snatches it back and runs. The team runs after him, but he has already boarded the Snow Flyer 3 and sped away.)
The Diner Downtown[]
(Neal is getting up.)
Neal: So I was thinking we could go to that cool downtown comic shop. It has all the same comics, but they're arranged... more... interestingly?
(The imaginary Saras are duelling one with another; cut to Knight Sara attacking Doctor Zone Sara with her sword; Doctor Zone Sara parries with her gift-shaped cast.)
Doctor Zone Sara: Date!
Knight Sara: Friend! Date.
Time Ape Sara: Arranged more interestingly? Who says that to someone they're interested in?
Dragon Sara: (tackling Time Ape Sara) Date!
(Sara chuckles nervously.)
Neal: Or not?
(Sara puts her hands on her head, and the imaginary Saras disappear.)
Sara: Let's go!
The toboggan; a train[]
(Milo, Melissa, and Zack go over a cliff and land on a train.)
Milo: Looks like we're headed for town!
(The train's engineer looks out the forward window of the locomotive and is surprised. The cause is a flock of birds walking across the tracks.)
Engineer: Oh my. Baby quails!
(He reaches for a lever marked "BRAKE", but decides against it, pulling a larger lever marked "QUAIL BRAKE" instead. The train stops quickly, flinging the toboggan off it, its passengers screaming. The birds are safe.)
Engineer: (looking at the birds) Those aren't quails! They're partridges! Get outta here! (Blows the train's horn; the partridges scatter)
The toboggan[]
(The toboggan is still flying; Melissa and Zack are screaming.)
Milo: Hang on!
(They land on the road, passing a sign marked "CITY LIMITS".)
Melissa: Hey! The Diner Downtown! Sara's date-not-date!
Zack: Can't we just put our feet out and try to stop?
Milo: Depends how much you like your feet. (As he continues talking, he pulls out a trowel from his backpack and hands it to Zack, a pipe wrench and hands it to Melissa, and a ping-pong paddle which he keeps) All we can do is try to steer clear of the restaurant! Right! (They hold their instruments to the road, and the toboggan turns rightward) Left! (They turn the toboggan leftward in the same manner) Right! (They turn the toboggan rightward) Further right!
(They pass the Diner Downtown.)
Melissa: Yeah! Whoa, that was close!
Zack: Milo, you did it!
(Sergio in the Snow Flyer 3 passes them, the police pursuing him.)
Sergio: You'll never take me alive!
Policeman: (in bullhorn) Please, sir, just don't hurt the commemorative plaque!
The downtown comic shop[]
(Cut to a building labelled with a sign reading "COMICS!" Sara and Neal are sitting inside on beanbag chairs, reading comics.)
Neal: Isn't this place interestingly laid out?
Sara: Mm-hmm.
Neal: Sara, do you not like comics anymore?
Sara: No. Yes! (puts her hand to her forehead, leans back, and sputters) I know I've been weird today. I've been a little in my head about it.
Neal: Ah. I know what you mean! Sometimes it's like there are these cosplaying versions of myself in my head debating, and I have to be like, "Shut up, Turdgenite Alien Neal!" (chuckles; cut to Sara and all her imaginary selves, agape) Or "Shut up, Out-Loud Neal."
(The toboggan bearing Melissa, Zack, and Milo bursts through the door of the comic shop, wrecks it, and smashes through the door to the boiler room on the other side.)
Comic shop employee: Aw man. And I just arranged it all so interestingly!
The comic shop's boiler room[]
(Sara and Neal had been swept up on the toboggan, which is at rest.)
Milo: Hey, Sara! And Neal from the comic shop!
Sara: (to Neal) I don't call you that around the house or anything. I don't call you anything! I've never mentioned you! Of course I mention you, but only the normal amount.
(There is clattering.)
All: Huh?
Milo: Uh-oh. Looks like the boiler's overheating!
(The boiler topples and lands on the toboggan.)
Sara: (hastily) I'll explain later.
(The toboggan, propelled by the boiler, rockets off.)
All: Whoa!
Without[]
(A girl is walking by, but stops just before the toboggan would have burst through the wall and run her over.)
Neal: Hey, it's my sister! Lizzie!
Lizzie: Hey, Neal! Is that Sara from the comic shop?
The toboggan[]
(Neal looks at Sara and grins, embarrassed. As the toboggan continues to rocket down the road, "Toboggan of Love" starts.)
Milo: ♪ Toboggans ♪
♪ Are not where you typically look for romance ♪
(They whiz past a couple at a table, shocking them and messing up their hair.)
♪ 'Cause there's no way to steer ♪
(They hydroplane on a canal, soaking the passengers of a river-boat.)
♪ So you might hit a deer ♪
(They smash through a fake reindeer and a snowbank; Neal and Sara are covered in snow, but it blows off as the toboggan continues.)
♪ Or get snow in your pants ♪
(They pass through a busy intersection.)
♪ O, but it's thrilling to be ♪
♪ In a moving death-trap like this; you can see ♪
♪ That when push comes to shove ♪
(They enter Lard World.)
♪ This could be a toboggan of love ♪
Backup singers: ♪ Toboggan of love ♪
(They ride through some of the rides on their toboggan.)
(Instrumental bridge; the toboggan breaks through the perimeter fence of Lard World and enters the sewer system. They pass Scott the Undergrounder, who is pushing a lawnmower with assorted items on it.)
Milo, Zack, and Melissa: Oh, hey, Scott!
Scott: Oh, hey! I've been landscaping! You like what I've done with the place?
(Neal and Sara look befuddled for a second, then shrug and giggle.)
(Cut to Cavendish and Dakota walking above.)
Dakota: Oh!
(Dakota stops Cavendish from going over a manhole cover, which is rattling. It pops off, and the toboggan flies out and lands in front of them.)
Milo: Hey, Cavendish, Dakota!
(The next two lines are said together.)
Dakota: Hey, Milo!
Cavendish: Hello, Murphy.
(Camera whizzes to Diogee barking at a cat in a tree; the toboggan speeds past and picks him up. Cut to Milo holding him.)
Milo: Diogee, this isn't safe for a dog! Go home!
(Diogee jumps up to the boiler and tugs at it; it dislodges from the toboggan, and Diogee flies majestically toward the Danville skyline. The toboggan comes to a stop; "Toboggan of Love" ends. Neal is stupefied.)
Milo: (checking off an item in his notebook) And... check. I guess it was a to-do list. (He, Melissa, and Zack disembark) Sorry about that.
Neal: Are you kidding? That was the best first-date ever! (Apprehensive) It was a date, right?
(Sara smiles and puts her hand on Neal's; they lean on each other and watch the sun set over Danville.)
The Murphy house[]
(Brigette is still working on her blueprints.)
Brigitte: (relieved) All finished!
(The boiler, Diogee atop it, smashes through the ceiling and crushes all her hard work. Diogee barks. Brigitte stands up and makes a sound of disgust.)
(The end.)