I have seen it and I can tell that you have improved a lot since your last writing. It's the first chapter so there's nothing much I can say besides you have delivered all we should know about the background of the Lopez family just right!
Things looked like a mess back there and I'm curious to know what happens next!
I really like the Glass Compass since you first described about it.
Nice! New chapter and things are slowly warming up. It's the classic scene of a noble having been rescued by a group of pirates, they introduce themselves and also know that they are carrying a big risk on their ship. There are ups and also downs that I'd like to point out here:
The whole Melissa and Amanda's first exchange was well written, I have nothing to say about it.
Amanda didn't realize Diogee was literally spelt 'DOG'... did she? Left me curious there.
I immidiately thought of one person who could own the room of that door with no name on it.
Mort and Chad's moments had been delivered quite well. That goes to Milo as well - he had a bad entrance, didn't he? He always does... But I wish there could be more of him. Compared to Mort and Chad, Milo's intro didn't seem to have left me much impression. I felt that his intro happened kind of fast.
That paragraph after his intro was very dense, so I think you should split it.
"You? Fight? Tut… Consider what's between you and him, that's ridiculous" You made me excited for more.
"I hope you don't mind what Bradley said back then. It's just the way he is sometimes." Really like this line a lot!
"All she know that they will protect her from him no matter what." There's a few problems with the last sentence though. She didn't know whether she could stay in the ship or not. Bradley was against the idea, so not all of them would be willing to let her stay and protect her. Secondly, I don't think she could fully put her trust on them after one day. Milo and Melissa were kind to her, but it took a long time in a weird way to make two strangers trust each other.
You could have put it like this: she couldn't really do anything else besides stay in; Milo and Melissa were nice to her, but Bradley didn't want her to stay; she felt relieved that she had been rescued and brought on a ship;... or something like that.
That's how I think about the second chapter. 8.5/10!
Keep on writing, and fighting this virus by staying at home! XD
I've just finished your chapter. It's quite a wonderful read. From the point when the pirates plan to cover to when Milo agrees that she should learn how to defend herself. The flow goes perfectly, I have nothing more to say about it. And I can't help getting more excited the moment I know Zack is going to be the main antagonist.
Honestly, I haven't touched on "Our Perfect World" for a while due to further studying and such, so it will be a short while for me to get ahead first. But, I will have the third chapter of "Starting from April" prepared. So, stay tune!
Well, finally, my first review for your first chapter. Sorry for being a little bit late but I just only found out about this when I was searching around in MML Fanfiction Archive, only then did I realize that you had deleted the trailer and replace it with the main story. And the fact that I just found out a new thing to read is really a blessing to me because it’s very boring to stay at home all day long without anything to do (damn you coronavirus) .. Anyway,... back to the review
I have to say, this chapter is very good. Your writing skill is getting better and better through every fanfic you write. There is nothing in this chapter about which I have to complain. But the part when Melissa ask what was Doof doing, I think you should let her said “ What’cha doin” like Isabella, you know, as a tiny Easter Egg, but overall, everything is great.
This is just only the first chapter so there aren’t many details intriguing enough to ask so I really hope for more stoies in the future :)
Hope to hear your reply soon, mate. It’s been a while since the last time we talked so I kinda miss you.
Ah, sorry for not telling you that I replace the trailer with the real chapter. I really thought that FanFiction can notify it to anyone who follows my stories but I guess no. You should follow the story now in case you haven't though. That would help you keep track of new chapters whenever it comes out.
Thank you. I really try to keep my writing better and better. And guess what, it's kind of boring to stay indoors due to the Coronavirus and all... I'm also busy with other stuffs too.
Stay tune! More chapters to come and it's indeed going to be more interesting.
Heyo Tugie, it's me H here and it's time for our review .Before we start, I would love to tell you a fact that this is actually the second time I wrote the review because SOMEHOW, MYSTERIOUSLY, the first one got deleted (damn it -.-). Well, let's get into the business, shall we?
I really have to say this (hope you are not offended, but, after all, review is to make you better, right?). I think you should change your writing a little and level it up. You were using too much dialogues and forgot to describe your characters' feelings. You need to add more description of the characters feelings at a specific moment. For example, the scene when Melissa was inspecting the helicopter, you shouldn't let her mumbling to herself like that. What you should do was described her feelings. How she felt curious about the name OPW. How she, at first, felt afraid, but later, how the fear turned into happiness. Furthermore, you should also describe the scenes around the characters too, so that the readers can have a bigger picture of the "where". If you really don't know how to do it efficently or don't understand what I'm trying to tell you, then I suggest you should read at least one of the Harry Potter books. J.K.Rowling is a true master at describing characters feelings and scenes in third person's POV and you can learn a lot from the way she write. Reading is also a very good way to improve your writing skill. Remember, less dialogues and more description. If you use too much dialouges, it will turn into a movie script rather than a story (I have seen a lot of writer made this mistake and God knows that I don't want you to become any of them)
My favorite moment is, of course, the last one with the mysterious boy. At first, I thought it was Zack but some of the details I had in my mind back then showed the other way around, and they kind of fighting inside my brain. Zack or not Zack? It really made people confused and unable to anticipate what's next. You have nailed it hard, mate.
And I also have a question too: Do you have to study online at home through apps like Zoom or Google Meeting?
Before we say goodbye, I am glad to inform you that I'm currently writing a Milo Murphy's Law fanfic. It's almost finished and will soon be launched sometime during the week. And I would like you to read it and review just like the way I always do. One of my dreams is to become a great writer like Stephen King or J.K.Rowling so your reviews will help me a lot in the future.
Hope to hear your response soon, mate
Remember to stay at home and safe. Coronavirus is everywhere. Hope you are still ok.
Haha, thanks for the review, which puts a smile on my face all over again!
You're definitely right. It's obvious that I haven't described her feelings in details. I intended to write that part in an entertaining way (like a movie or so). But here's what I think: it's important to know when you tell your readers about how your character feels. If I planned to write in your way, I could get rid of the part where Melissa was confused by who the Chief was exactly directing to and just focus on how surprised she used to be. I stated that she was surprised because even the strangest alien came to Earth and suddenly invited her to somewhere, she would calmly ask for the reason. We all know how many adventures she has been through with Milo and as time goes by, she can act a little bit steadier. Sometimes I can change my main focus: if I want an entertaining scene, I can just constantly move it with dialogue from time to time; but if the scene needs more of a character's POV, I can change the pace and tell more about the charecter's depth. (in this case, I had used backstories for a few times) Hope this explains how I have written that scene!
The mysterious boy... I thought it was so obvious!!! Well, that sidestory will have 3-4 parts (I haven't decided just yet).
And of course, you have been following my story so of course I have to review your story back. (Not by obligation of course xD) Can't wait to see it!
Ah yes, I'm currently studying online with Zoom, each morning from Monday to Friday.
Stay safe at home and don't let the Coronavirus bite!
It's on AO3 because it's more convenient to put an AU stort up there instead of the ol' Fanfiction. I'll upload the chapter on Fanfiction later but from now on, AO3 will be the first place for me to upload new chapters of the AU.
I really don't know anything about the universe "Your lie in April" but I can tell that you have used some of my advices on writing (More discriprion and less dialouge) but I think you haven't focus on the scene around your characters. You see, in an emotion-focus story (like this one), the scene around characters have an enormous role in reflecting the characters emotion so I think you should pay more attention to that. And I can see that you used present tense in this story. I'm not saying that I don't like present tense (Heck, there are some very famous novels that use present tense, like The Hunger Games), but using that tense is rather uncommon and in my opinion, a little bit harder to write but if you have already used it then just stick with it until the end of the story
I agree with you there. But we're just getting the hang of the AU I'm trying to build and we're not even close to the emotional parts. In 'Your Lie in April', there's two things that you only need to know: the life of Arima Kousei (a.k.a. Milo in the AU) and how people around him have an effect on it. He can't really move on with music anymore even though he really wants to. Until one day, he meets a violinist and knows that his life changes from that point (you'll see her in Chap 2 which I will have hopefully finished by today)). Their relationship takes part as the main emotional core in the story. Melissa and Zack do have important moments but they just add up to the second thing you need to know (which I have said above).
I'm used to writing past tense so this is not anything big for me. And it's a mistake to write this in past tense. You'll see why soon.
This chaper is AMAZING. It's probably the best chapter you have ever written. Seriously, I have nothing to complain about it. My favourite scene is when you described Amanda playing the melodica. In my head, the scene is majestic and wonderful. Keep up the good work mate
This chapter is good. My favorite moment? It's when Amanda told the ghost story. Didn't see that twist coming, LOL. You have also nailed the Dakota's story part. Very emotional, very touching but I think Dakota is a little bit out of character now. He is really not the type of sad and serious person like that so I suggest you should add more funny and goofy moments for him.
And I have to say, Bruno's complaints about Murphy's Law might have cause some drama in the future. Parents disapproval can really shake the love story of Milo and Amanda a bit.
Well, that's all for the review. This one is rather short compared to others but this is just the early stage of the story so there aren't much to tell yet so all we can do now is wait for the story to progress further.
Stay safe and healthy mate.
By the way, I just created the new "Starting in April" thread so we can seperate these two story now.
It's still a bit too early to jump early on anything. I will make it kind of unpredictable, after all xD. Though you can guess clearly that the conflicts between the Murphys and Lopez's are just getting started (not parents disapproval, but this will be your typical kind of two-family conflicts).
Dakota is something here though. That sentence when he said like 'I can help anyone but myself' is a fun joke I added, because when you go deeper into his character, you will see that he can do anything to help Cavendish, Milo or Doof and he's selfless enough to sacrifice himself multiple times to save Cavendish dying multiple times, hence he can't help himself that much. He's half joking, half trembling when saying that.
Glad to hear your review! Hope to hear the news about "The Glass Compass" very soon! Stay safe!
P/s: thanks for making a new thread. I really appreciate your help.
So, as some of you mighy know, I've had the idea of a character not being okay with younger-brother-older-sister relation for quite a while now. Remember about 20's Law (explained later on)? Since this is a topic which I believe not everyone might find friendly enough, I've been trying to find ways in which this particular character can be enjoyed by all. That's why, I may or may not change the previous concept of 20's Law, but I need all of your help. Just tell me, which of the concepts below you find more acceptable:
1. 20's Law: Anything that can go wrong (when the younger brother and older sister are together, of course), will go wrong. It's just like Murphy's Law, but is specific and much more dangerous.
2. Dr. 20: A ghost (or a viewer) will be there seeing what's going on, commenting on how much they hate seeing the 2 (or 3) together, it should not be allowed and sometimes even trying to separate them, which will probably fail most of the time (depending on the situation).
So these are the 2 ideas I have so far. To be honest, I have many memes and ideas in my mind related to this concept, but I cannot reveal them if people feel offended. I may even use both of these concepts together, but I need to know your thoughts. If you have any idea other than these 2, please do tell me. Overall, I need to find out the friendliest way to express something unfriendly without meaning anything wrong.
I believe you will understand what I'm trying to explain. Please don't get me wrong, okay?
I admit, I've been hooked on Infinity Train since book one (and how about that recent ep? DAMN!) And I keep thinking, what would happen if someone from another network found themselves on the train? So I gave the idea to Amanda, and she's gonna find herself on the train.
What happens is that after another incodent with Murphy's Law,. Elliot finally explodes on Milo and says he hates him. That causes Milo to become so depressed he runs away from home. Soon both Melissa and Zack are missing too and everyone is convinced they went with him. This worries Amanda to no end and she confronts Ellot about what he said, but Bradley counters by throwing her perfectionism back in her face, saying she ought to be glad he;'s gone, now he can;t mess anything up. He brings up how she didn;t want to be his science partner and how she was so afrid of him messing up the dance. She's convinced she;'s a hippocrite and runs off in tears.
She becomes determined to find Milo and try to make it up to him for what she did before, but during her search the train pulls up and she finds herself sucked into it. The number on her hand is about 87 and The Cat appears to explain what she;s doing on the train and how she has to figure out her issues to bring down the number.
That's all I got so far, mainly cause I haven;t seen the final two eps yet. But what do you think of Amanda being on the train?
Well, she's not as hot tempered as Tulip or M.T. and her first goal is to find out wether or not Milo is on the train, constantly asking people if they've seen him and getting more and more worried about him, blaming her self more and more.
The Cat does play a bigger role here in explaining about the function of the train and how Amanda has to figure out how to bring her number down.
I think that her goal to escape is also important to. Like, if Amanda wants to escape, will she have to find Milo or more than that? I imagine that if Milo is on the train, Amanda's number will probably go down to zero after convincing him that he should go back to his real life. Then after that, there goes the journey that Milo has to stop feeling depressed and gets back on his own feet to make himself an escape too. That's my idea though.
She can have friends during the way. They can help her out a lot.
Tugiacat666 wrote: I think that her goal to escape is also important to. Like, if Amanda wants to escape, will she have to find Milo or more than that? I imagine that if Milo is on the train, Amanda's number will probably go down to zero after convincing him that he should go back to his real life. Then after that, there goes the journey that Milo has to stop feeling depressed and gets back on his own feet to make himself an escape too. That's my idea though.
She can have friends during the way. They can help her out a lot.
Uh...actually Milo's NOT on the train. Amanda went on the train hoping to fiund Milom, but everyone she asks hasn;t seen him at all. Fionally when she comes to The Cat she says Milo isn;t on the train. Then she explains that Amanda is on the train to work out her own issues and bring her number down, and she has to do THAT in order to get out and find Milo. Remember, in the beginning I saiod Zack and Melissa also ran away with Milo.
In fact with One One and Atticus (yes, I had to bring back Atticus) when Amanda's number finally gors down to zero, instead of dropping her home One One drops her off at a boat dock where Milo, Melissa, and Zack are preparing to board a boat. The Cat even tells her to hurry cause if she doesn;t talk him off the boat, she;'ll never see him again.
Ờm, nếu mà season 3 ra mắt trên Disney+ thì làm cách nào để sub được sang tiếng Việt cho anh em bây giờ ? Tôi không nghĩ là cả ông hay tui hay bất cứ ai ở Việt Nam có thể chi trả hàng tháng cho Disney+ ông ạ
So, I've been thinking, and I know you all are wonderfully patient (and I am grateful for that), but due to my insanely busy schedule, a December where I've got some bug Christmas plans, and a million other things, I refuse to let this story drag out.
So, I have a proposal: I've already got about 8 (maybe more maybe less) chapters ready. I wanted to release it as a movie, but the way this is going, maybe it is better like this.
My question is, to every person I know on this wiki: Are you planning to read this or not, and if you are, would you rather one big release or chapters?
Well, IT'S OFFICIAL! "Balthazar Cavendish Vs The World" will be split into chapters, with the first coming...
Yes, on Saturday, November 16th, you will get to see the story I've been teasing for nearly a year!
I must note that it is a short chapter, and the real meat begins in Chapter 2, but still!
And every two days, a new chapter will be posted!
With Author's notes and all!
I really REALLY hope you all will talk to me about the story, through comments or message walls or chats!
I'm down for anything, from raging critiques to loving praise to curious questions!
Now, before I leave you, here's the first and only trailer for "Balthazar Cavendish Vs The World"!
(We see nothing but hear all)
The Seventh Shadowy Figure (V.O): The time... Has come...
(Footage of Dakota leaving Cavendish)
The Seventh Shadowy Figure (V.O): He's hurt him long enough...
(Footage of Dakota as a mess, in the shower, bleeding from knife wounds)
The Seventh Shadowy Figure (V.O): For so long, we've waited for him to save us... To help us exist...
(6 other shadowy figures all lift their hoods and stare anxiously at Dakota)
(Slow, metallic breathing)
(Red piercing eyes)
(Wide smile that shines like a Cheshire cat)
The Seventh Shadowy Figure (V.O): Now...
(Dakota cowers in fright as they land in front of him)
(The Seventh Shadowy Figure steps up to Dakota and grins)
The Seventh Shadowy Figure (V.O): We'll finally save him from that monster...
(The Seventh Shadowy Figure scoops Dakota up and kisses him. Dakota is shocked)
The Seventh Shadowy Figure: Hello... Vinnie...
(Cut to black)
The Seventh Shadowy Figure (V.O): Who can POSSIBLY stop us?
(Sudden cut to Balthazar Cavendish, looking at Denise from the Breakfast Burrito Store)
Denise: Balthy, you're...
Balthazar Cavendish: I know... A failure.
("Careless Whisper" by George Michael plays as Cavendish strolls down town, feeling sorry for himself and looking worse and worse off)
Balthazar Cavendish (V.O): I treated Dakota like shit, I ruined our relationship, and worst of all, I don't see what I did wrong!
(Cavendish sits down on the couch, almost passed out from being drunk)
Balthazar Cavendish (V.O): I tried to love him, really!
(Cavendish sits down and cries as a knife is thrown at him)
Balthazar Cavendish (V.O): Please... It can't be my fault...
(Two kids look up at Cavendish and shake their heads from the donut he's eating)
Kids: Cavendish, it is your fault...
(Dakota looks at Cavendish, with regret and anger, and Denise looks at him with encouragement and hope)
Dakota/Denise: Now what are you going to do about it?
(Cavendish seems scared, and unsure)
(From "The Milo Murphy's Law Wiki Guy AU")
(Cavendish leaps as a high heel strikes him on the face)
Dakota (V.O): I loved you with all my heart, and you still acted like I was nothing!
(Cavendish dodges teddy bears and shoots a strike with a bowling ball)
Dakota (V.O): But I know what it's like to be forced to change... To be hated for being you...
(Cavendish floats in space)
(Cavendish digs a grave, and sighs in the rain)
(Cavendish smiles sadly at a weeping Mr. Block)
Dakota (V.O): And I know that deep down...
(Cavendish gets an anime girl transformation as a robot arm punches him)
(Cavendish gets served tea dressed like Alice In Wonderland)
(Cavendish dances with a broom)
Dakota (V.O): Deep down there IS a good man there. Someone who wants to be loved and wants to love...
(Cavendish walks away from explosion all cool like with shades)
Dakota (V.O): So tell me...
(Cavendish stumbles to his feet and stands tall as the Seventh Shadowy Figure laughs maniacally and Dakota hides)
(Cut to black)
(Cavendish closes his eyes)
(And gives a thumbs up)
Dakota (V.O): When are you going to be Balthazar Cavendish?
BALTHAZAR CAVENDISH VS THE WORLD
SHARE YOUR THOUGHTS!
THE MILO MURPHY'S LAW WIKI GUY
Hello, Tugia, tui có 1 đoạn viết so sánh về mối quan hệ giữa Zalissa và Romione trong Harry Potter trong “So what about Zack+Melissa” tui thực sự muốn nghe cảm nhận của ông về nó. Tui ko ép đâu nên ông có thể chia sẻ hoặc ko cũng đc, tui hoàn toàn hiểu.
Of course that I'm going to continue it. I have mentioned that this story is going to have 20 chapters, which means there are seven chapters left. I can update the story by the end of the month, but it depends on how busy I'm gonna be.
Anyway, you can expect the 14th chapter to be released in 29th September or so. Who knows? I may get it on time with some motivation so... would love to hear your in-depth thoughts about the fic itself.
Well, according to your profile, I can see that you are also a Zalissa shipper (just like me :)) *Brofist* and I know that this fic focuses mostly on Milanda but will there be any cute Zalissa moments just like when Zack has that date with Melissa at the ice-cream shop?
It's actually a very nice chapter. It really lightens up my mood since most of the people on this fandom discuss mostly about Milissa recently so a Milanda and a little bit of Zalissa fic like this really improves my emotion. Thank you Tugiacat. Keep up the good work
Uhmmmmm, favorite moments? I have 3 moments
First is that cute Zalissa moment when they hold hands (of course, I’m still a Zalissa shipper afterall :v). Second is Melissa’s joke about Milo and Amanda have a baby ( really, I have laugh non-stop for like 10 mins). Third is when Amanda realizes she has a bond with Milo (soulmate afterall -.-)
And I also have a question though: Is the triangle-headed boy is really Phineas’s cameo or just some random boy in Danville who accidentally has a triangle head
I had so much fun writing those moments. Especially Amanda's confession... I wish I could write it longer and let her have more time to say all the things she has wanted to say for a long time, to someone she trusts at least.
Haha, that's Phineas, obviously! There's also that girl who has a big crush on the triagular savant, you know who.
One word: AWESOME. This chapter is awesome. You have nailed it perfectly. When I read it, I could feel every single state of emotion : sad, joy, love... I even feel fear too (Actually, I feel fear because there is a big-ass spider wandering in my kitchen right now. Jesus, why it has to be so damn big and it’s hiding somewhere, I can feel its presence). Anyway, this chapter is really a playground for Milanda and Zalissa shippers. Keep up the good work buddy [And that spider is still hiding, now I feel fear even in my own house :( ]
And I have a question too, if Milo and Amanda were just pretending to break up, why you made it feel so real? Or was it real? I can’t wait to find out.
Wait, I still have one last question (this question can be a little bit gross so you don’t need to answer, but I prefer that you will answer): When Melissa and Zach had that ice-cream kiss, could they taste vanilla on each other’s lips?
Hi, I'm Mr.H wrote:
Wait, I still have one last question (this question can be a little bit gross so you don’t need to answer, but I prefer that you will answer): When Melissa and Zach had that ice-cream kiss, could they taste vanilla on each other’s lips?
I'd say of course. It is a full-contact kiss so they will have the full experience of a first-kiss, shortly.
Well, sorry for taking this long to read (schoolwork and other similar stuff you know, yesterday was an exhausting day for me) but here’s my reviews about this chapter.
Just like other previous 15 chapters, this chapter is good. I really love the way you connect this chapter to other previous chapters through backstories. It really shows the deep connections throughout the whole story. The development between Dakota and Gretchen is very nice and touching. They actually do have a long history together (I still feel a little weird when I see a goofy and funny guy like Dakota gets into a relationship -.- but let just go for it, they’re still a good couple with a good development). And just like you said before, it’s really start to get more emotional (I could CLEARLY imagine that part when Milo and Amanda argued in my mind and it really made me shudder).I could even see a part of myself in Gretchen’s past too bcoz just like her, I’m also a no-one in my class so I actually sympathized with her a lot. Ok, I think that’s enough for a review (if you wish to hear more opinions from me, just don’t be shy and feel free to ask, I will answer). Anyway, this chapter has also left inside my head few questions so here they are (hope you’ll answer):
1) The part about Melissa’s mom, is it a combination between my Melissa’s mom theory and Melissa’s mom death in Growth (which was written by Wiki Guy)? I feel like it is.
2) Why Melissa didn’t ask more questions about her mom ?(she seemed pretty shock when Richard revealed the story about her mom).
3) Dakota and Gretchen have comeback to the normal world now so everyone’s memory about them will be restored, right?
P/s: When the old woman in the black-white world gave Dakota and Grechen a blessing , she called Gretchen “uncle”. Gretchen is a woman, so is she suppose to be an “aunt”? You really should edit that part (except when you have some intentions behind it).
That’s all I want to say, can’t wait for the next chapter. Keep up the good work bro :)))
Well, I would love to answer your questions firstly.
I could say that I was inspired. TMMLWG's headcanon (I'm not sure if I have seen yours to be honest) really makes much sense in terms of emotion and story.
Nah, it wasn't like that. In fact, she was the first one to hear the story about her mom. Because it's the Chase family duh. She was just surprised when Richard revealed it to Milo under the stars.
Not quite. They still stuck somewhere in the time-space continuum and are about to make an exit so they haven't really come back yet. You can see it through Mr. Block's mind.
It's okay to reply late. You can give a reply anytime you want. I too am being busy with schoolwork and those boring stuffs like that. Anyway, I appreciate your comment on Dakota and Gretchen's plot.
Flashbacks are bound to be fit in this chapter.
If you have seen TMMLWG's Bowling For You, you'll know he also has another headcanon about Gretchen's past.
Thanks for your kind review!
As much as I appreciate your opinions, here are a few things that you should know about Dakota and Gretchen in my story so you can understand the relationship more clearly:
Dakota never got into a relationship with anyone, even Gretchen. There are adventures of them but I never intend to 'ship' them. The only one to have a real deal with him is... Cavendish.
So they stay as friends. Later, they become workers in the same place because adults' relationship isn't simple and genuine as friends' one.
And one more thing... It's Dakota. As you can see, his motivation is to help people when they're in danger. Not because he wants to be praised or to be a friend to them, but because he cares. And as a friend of Gretchen, he really gets how hard her life has been and gives her advices. With Cavendish, he even sacrifices his own version to save Cavendish multiple times. What I want to point out is no matter who they are, he does care about them and if they're his close friends, he will save them at any cost.
Haha, I did tell the truth about the story getting more emotional, didn't I? Milo and Amanda's argument, Dakota and Gretchen's escape are the emotion core of the story. Maybe Mr. Block will join for the final drama? Or maybe Cavendish? You'll find out soon enough (4 chapters left!).
I'm glad that I could think of Milo and Amanda talking through a walkie-talkie. The original argument was supposed to take much longer but it made no sense storywise.
P/s: You're right! How could I mistype that? Well, I have edited it after I had seen your review so thank you for pointing that out. (An embarrassing mistake :P)
Wow, nothing is better than reading a new chapter after having a horrible math exam, aye? I have gotta say, this chapter is pretty complicated so I really had to read it twice to actually understand the story ,but you really nailed it. And here are some my favorite moments
First,is that part when Gretchen confesses to Dakota about her feeling, it really blows my mind ya know. You actually told me before that Gretchen and Dakota will only be friends since Dakota already had “a thing” for Cavendish but when I read to that part , my mind still froze for nearly a minute and after the 1-minute-mind-freezing moment, the first thing came through my brain was “ Damn, Gretchen got friendzoned” ( of course this is still one of my favorite moments tho.)
Second is , of course, The Zalissa Moment. I know that you tried to let them have a kiss ( and thanks to Mr.Block that kiss never happened...) but I suggest you shouldn’t overuse kissing scenes to show characters love to each other because it will soon get boring ( trust me, I know, I have read a Harry Potter fanfic where Ginny and Harry just like... kissing each other every 5 minutes), you should use other ways for characters to show love
And finally, the moment when the fire spread from the picture. It’s really a good foreshadow for a real combat scene.
Anyway, I still have some questions . According, to the fire-spreading scene, there must be real battle is going to occur and the question is: Will there be any character death? I mean, this is probably a real war, and a war without casualties is pretty wierd.
Hope to hear your reply mate :)
And more thing I want to say: VIỆT NAM VÔ ĐỊCH !!!
Hey yo buddy. Damn, just like you said, this chapter is indeed more serious with all the fire and the danger. But actually there is a problem with this chapter. It is a little bit too serious. I really had to think about the things that I’m going to say so it won’t break your heart or hurt your feelings but I really need to say this straight (if I don’t, you won’t be able to improve. I hope you understand). This chapter is actually not as good as other previous ones, mostly about the emotional aspect.
Firstly, it’s about Mr.Chase’s memory scene. This scene is actually not that bad but I think you can improve it and make it better by making Mr.Chase actually breakdown completely (maybe even infront of the 4-year-old Melissa to make the scene more tragic) or you can pull out “The Ultimate Move” by making Melissa ask a very innocent question like “Daddy, will Mommy wake up?” (Believe me, a child’s innocence about its parents death always breaks people’s heart)
Secondly, it’s about the group that of people who got out of the park safely. The problem is they got out safe and sound but they even didn’t care about calling for help. They just left to do their job. They even didn’t bother to ask if there was anyone else still got trapped inside the park and couldn’t make it out (Apparently, it’s our main characters). I think tou should let them have more awareness about the danger lies infront of them.
Well, although there are some problems, this chapter still has some very remarkable scenes, especially Zack. Zack’s calmness and bravery was described perfectly. I really love the scene which he saved Melissa from the tree. It not only showed Zack’s feelings for Melissa but also showed his will to sacrifice for her. And I also love the part when Zack makes Melissa jealous laugh by talking about “The Mysterious Girl”. This part also showed Zack’s ability to ease the pressure even in the darkest of time with his sense of humor (and probably also bcoz I like cute Zalissa moments like that)
The bond between Milo and Melissa is also getting stronger and stronger through time, to a level that even when they are facing threats or in lethal situations ( like stucking in a middle of a flaming park and can’t see anything) they are still inseparable both physically and mentally.
This chapter also left behind some mysteries too so I really want to know about them
The first I want to know is the relationship between Dakota/Gretchen and the old lady in the black-white world? Who exactly is she and what is she capable of?
The second thing I want to know is why did you decide to name Melissa’s mom Matsumi? Is there any special meaning behind it or you just suddenly and randomly choose it to be her name? Can’t wait to find out
Well, that’s all for my review (this is, by far, probably the longest review I have ever written) . I really hope to hear the response and the answers from you, mate. Peace
P/s: ban đầu viêt xong rồi, xong chơi ngu lại lỡ xoá đi rồi lại phải viết lại cả bài review đai đăng dặc. Đúng là cái ngu nào cũng có giá của nó bạn ạ -.-
I always love an honest review. It's good to know where you did right and where you did wrong. It's totally fine, don't worry!
I can see why you see them as problems. I'll just let you know the reasons why I have written it in that way:
I agree that it could have been better if I had included Richard's breakdown or even when Melissa seeing her mother. But you should know that Richard is flashing back to 10 years ago while worrying for Melissa's safe. I do think that it feels rush (kind of because I was in a hurry) but in my opinion, it already makes sense because:
Richard shouldn't remember any deeper about the backstory. Because emontionally, once he has come to remember Matsumi's death, he can feel daunted and worse, hopeless in the present. While the whole point of Richard remembering the story was just to make a similarity between the past story and the one now when he doesn't know whether Melissa is safe.
The same goes with whether Richard should also remember about Melissa knowing her mother's death. It shouldn't be necessary, but again, it's my opinion that states it.
"The Ultimate Move" was originally in the flashback too but I removed it. The first reason I immidiately thought of after having removed it was because it would be kind of cliche. While I was writing it, I came to the point that I was writing something that everyone expected from the kind of flashback like this. It would be too predictable. I can say that it will work in a seperated story, but in this case, Richard should have remembered the right amount of it.
Your second point is right... I won't explain it further since you already said it all. :P
Glad that you like those moments. Frankly, I was writing this in a fast pace. Some parts could have been better, but I'm glad that there are still some memorable moments for you.
About the old woman: I can't really reveal who she is right now. Even when this story ends, we'll never know who she really is. However, you may hope for it by the end of the story. I have plans for it, so not too worry.
Good question. The name "Matsumi" doesn't hold any special meanings beside it's just a Japanese name. Did you know that there was a headcanon from Ashley Michelle Simpson that Melissa actually knew Japanese? Well, I based on that headcanon and gave Melissa's mom a Japenese nationality, so it felt like Melissa could actually learn it becase of her mother.
That headcanon really interests me. I hope I can get real deep into it sometimes in the future, but that's all for the story now.
P/s: Hiểu mà... Đôi lúc đang nhắn một đoạn dài thế này xong mất điện cái... đi hết luôn... Biên tập ở Wiki đôi khi đắng thế đó (không có backup được).
Heyo, Tugia. I supposed to write this review like 4 days ago but a lot of bad things happened to me and those things literally gave me an emotional breakdown, but here I am, fully recovered and ready to show you my thoughts. Let’s get into it.
This chapter is a real definition for a Milanda-centric story (trust me, if my friend were a Milanda shipper, I would show them this chapter immediately). Here are some of my favorite moments:
Firstly, it is when Milo and Amanda hold hand in the middle of the fire. At that point, they really didn’t know how to get out of the dangerous situation so the fact that they finally hold hand prove that if they died, they would do that together. This moment really showed the readers how they really love each other.
Secondly, it’s the flashback scene. This moment actually showed the development of Milo’s and Amanda’s feelings toward each other and... I have also wanted a Valentines scene too.
And finally, it’s the moment when Dakota and Gretchen meet Amanda in her room. That moment really showed the readers a lot about love and the nature of it.
Although, there are great moments but I think this chapter can be improved further.
First is the flashback. I think you should add some moments of jealousy into the scene. Heck, it’s Valentines Day afterall, aye? Amanda saw Milo ate a chocolate MADE BY MELISSA so I think it would make more sense if Amanda feel jealous rather than just staring at Milo. Jealousy has always been a part of love since human knew how to love so a love story as good as this should have some of it.
Secondly, it’s about the kiss. Usually, a kissing scene is always my favorite but this one is a little bit disappointing. I mean, you should add more description into this scene, about how they feel before, during and after the kiss. An important scene like this can’t be described poorly (but it still gave me a goosebump tho).
Anyway , this chap also left inside me some questions too. Here they are:
When Amanda first met Gretchen in chapter 7, she seemed very surprise, so the Valentines Day (a.k.a the flashback) must be happen somewhere between chapter 7 and chapter 19 right? It just my little timeline theory
In this chapter , you actually wrote a lot meaningful lines about love so I think you must be very good at it. I bet you must have a girlfriend right? (This question is rather personal so I completely understand if you don’t want to answer)
Well, this is the end of my review here. I’m hoping to here the reply from you mate. Peace!!!
Sorry to know that you're feeling bad. Hope things will get better soon. Anyway, thanks for leaving the review. It shows that you really invest in the story. I can agree with most parts of your review. I still have some details and backgrounds to reveal though:
The way I have written a few last chapters is pretty much back-and-forth. Instead of explaning in long paragraphs, I want readers to imagine it in their own way. I tried not to go straight into statements, and with the kiss, I let you guys wonder what they could actually feel back there. It's some kind of method I'm trying out so it's no surprise that you might find the chapter a little bit disappointing or incomplete in some parts.
Jealousy... About that, I think there's one thing you should know that I hate jealousy. All kinds of it, and I even hate to write them down. That, and because I feel like it's unecessary for Amanda to be jealous. She really knows how close Melissa and Milo are. Moreover, they aren't ready to admit a romantic relationship yet. Milo and Amanda have that chemistry because they genuinely care for each other.
They never thought of romance because it would be too soon for them. Love is complicated, because when you admit that you really like or love someone ('like' is already a heavy word), the friendship changes into love. They fear to admit it because that will change their whole status quo. I feel that it's perfect for them if they remain what they are then. I can rant about it for a whole day if you want (from what I experience and not necessarily need a girlfriend to know this :P)
I have plans for a story that just keeps going on and on about romance and the friendship of a boy and a girl. Clue: if you are a true follower of my Fanfiction...
Amanda did not know the woman was Gretchen in Chapter 7. A day later when she found Milo, she met her and the woman revealed herself. The Valentines Day happened before the whole 'Hold My Hand' story because HMH is set in summer after the events of the main series. I vaguely mentioned the summer in Chapter 3.
Thanks for the review! It makes me super happy that you drop some lines about it. Next chapter should be the last one of the story and it will come out very soon (mong là trước lúc U23 VN đá :P)
This chapter is really emotional, I feel like finishing Harry Potter again. But acording to the after credit, their will be a sequel, the next part of the adventure and I would love to read and to feel them.
Well, back to the review. There's a good news I want to announce to you that is chapter is so damn good that there is nothing I have to complain about. All the moments is awsome and well-explained and here are some of my favorite moments:
First is the moment of tension in Mr.Block's office when Dakota was about to hit Block with the temporal transporter. I can really feel the atmostphere. Everything was so intense, one wrong move and the whole story may end in a very different way. This scence is also explain a lot about Block's agenda and really reveals most of the questions of the story. It's just like a scene comes of out from blockbusters like Marvel movies or Harry Potter.
Second is the moment when Milo is in his room checking photos after the 5-day camping. I can finally see what Milo truly thinks about his relationship with Amanda and how he can develop to become a better (boy)friend. Moreover, a moment of silence like that is essential for a character after such an adventure.
Finally is the after credit. At first, I thought, "Hold my hand" was the end of the adventure until this scene came up. The danger is still sneaking around and another adventure is await for "her". And will keep follow with you throughout this new story, mate.
Before I end this review, which is also the last review about "Hold my hand", I have a theory about "her". The after credit showes that there are some mysterious guys watching the house and they are focus on a female, so... Zack is off the list, only Melissa and Veronica left. Veronica is actully not a very famous MML character so I think "her" is referring to Melissa. Tell me if I'm right, mate. By the way, I have always wanted a Melissa-centric story so I hope I'm right...
P/s: Chúc mừng năm mới nhé bạn. Mong cho ông và gia đình có 1 cái Tết ấm no, hạnh phúc và vui vẻ bên gia đình và 1 năm mới thịnh vượng <3
Xin chúc bạn có một cái Tết bên gia đình thật đầm ấm, vạn sự như ý và một năm mới an khang thịnh vượng! Thank you for sticking with me! <3
Now, back to your review... It feels amazing to know that I finished the ending properly. I was kind of nervous before posting the chapter, because this chapter will be the last one of "Hold My Hand" - honestly my dearest and most precious story that I have spent a lot of time to finish it - and one more reason for me to be nervous was that was the first time I had to deal with such a big story I made by myself that I had to actually check over and rewrite a lot. So it's happy to know that the last chapter is good enough for you.
More details BTS about 20th chapter - it's the timeline reset:
I thought at first that the timeline would remain and Mr. Block got his punishment for his evil. But I explained and we knew that it wouldn't be enough for him. He was just as off-character as in his core. I then thought of another solution: to just have Doof do something to Block's memory, but again, that won't give Dakota, Cavendish or Gretchen the time to shine. Especially Cavendish - his plan he was making while Dakota and Gretchen were being stuck in the black-and-white world needs to step into the light. Milo (if not counting Amanda because she can fit in but in a way I will never be aware of) also needs a way to face-to-face with Mr. Block to show that although he's just as mad for what Block caused, he really doesn't want to revenge or something like that. So the last option: timeline reset, and you can see how I pulled it out to have the chapter we see today. I did that once in the prequel of "Hold My Hand", so I feel confident enough to do it again. How well do you think I write Doof in this one?
The point of resetting the timeline may be obvious to you that Mr. Block won't be as dangerous as in the main timeline of the story. Everything happens just the same, but Mr. Block won't be disturbing anyone. That's that, but that's not what I'm really aiming for. What I'm truly aiming for is Milo and Amanda's relationship. Like I explain in the last chapter, Mr. Block has accidentally made the time bond by causing danger to them. It might have developed their romantic relationship, but it may lead them to an uneasy life. Y'know, before I got into the whole concept of time bond, I had been always thinking like 'In Hold My Hand, it's a story about Milo and Amanda, so I need to have some romantic moments of them. I need to get them to hug, kiss or more'. Until the 'time bond' popped into my head and I reconsidered my writing, and thought 'What if the time bond was the reason they got closer really soon, in a way that isn't really approriate for them at their own age.' I wouldn't say it was impossible, but it feels rather uncomfortable when you write your characters and be like 'AAAGH! You get them together too soon!' Luckily, I thought of 'the time bond' and was able to balance the whole thing. Block was the reasonable cause for Milo and Amanda's closeness. Though, if there was another person to be put blame on, it would be me. :P I developed them too soon, but I managed to fix that later.
And because of that reason, I got the chance to rewrite about Milo's own thoughts of his relationship with Amanda. He should think this logically, because usually, a part of a boy's mind while looking at an attractive girl (not necessarily his crush) thinks of whether she likes him and he likes her back, or on a higher level: she loves him or maybe she wants to go on a date, or on the highest level - the deep deep deep thought inside a boy's mind: she and he can get married. Normally, if he and she don't have any romantic relationship, or in a friendship that they don't feel close enough, he can easily deny his thought. That will keep him in his own space because simple; he doesn't want to make a move just yet. Just like Milo here. He can think deeply that they could get married because he and Amanda have been through a lot and have that close friendship, and Milo is informed by Dakota that he and Amanda have that 'close bond'. That just assures him that they are definitely... friends. You have that, then you can think of something more romantic later, but slowly and steadily, like a hangout just two of them. The two can hang out or just accidentally meet somewhere and have moments together. Then they can reach 'the date.'... I might get lost if keeping explaining like this so... hope you can understand more about my intention of writing.
Nah, "Hold My Hand" can be amazing and end amazingly, but it's not the end of the story yet. I have slightest ideas for it since the very first moment I wrote the first chapter of "Hold My Hand". So that being said, I'm ready for another sequel. About 'her'... you can get my reply in two words:
Those are the words. You also guess the character that will be centered at. And I'll make sure I can get the premise of the new story out very soon. There will be some characters that are yet to have a big role in "Hold My Hand": like the mysterious old lady (she still needs to finish her business), Mike (a big fan of Milo, my OC), those two men in the very last scene...
Thanks for sticking by for a long time. I have fun and hard time while writing the story so I do need to relax myself for a while. And hope you can follow my next projects this year: I have two special ones that hopefully will be released in 2020, the first one is the prequel of "Hold My Hand" as you already figure out. The second one... if only you're a close fan of my fanfiction account.
Well, about Doof, I think you nailed it perfectly. Doof has become a really different guy if you compare him with his version in P&F. This Doof, I mean your Doof, is actually a good guy now and I really like it. He didn’t choose a side when he was asked to do so, he followed his heart and instinct. And althought Doof’s thought has become more serious and maturer, he still has the hilariousness and childishness in some moments, and I like that part of him. Overall, you have portrayed the best version of Heinz Doofenshmirtz.
By the way, I still have some questions tho.
Firstly, this sequel is about Melissa, will Zack appear in it? I mean we have a Milanda-centric story now, which is “Hold My Hand”, so is there any chance that this sequel is Zalissa-centric?
Secondly, is your second project is the Spotlight AU? I have read all 10 stories and it’s pretty good (although I really don’t give them as much attention as “Hold My Hand” or the Melissa sequel. No offense, mate)
Ahhh, you're spoiling me from the first question. :D I'm gonna say 'Yes, obviously.' A Zalissa-centric story? Definitely a coincidence that I can't miss out.
Nah, my second project is totally new! Not Spotlight AU or even in the AU that you're following. It's... the same AU but with a totally different story. I did promise that there will be a story where I can have romance on and on and on. In short, the second project is based on somewhere else on my FF account. I still continue the Spotlight AU though. By what you're saying, you have read all 10 stories of Spotlight AU?