Danville Street[]
(Melissa and Zack are walking towards the bus stop.)
Melissa: So you're saying the word 'cowboy' has nothing do with cows or boys?
Zack: Absolutely nothing.
Melissa: (Arrives at the bus stop with Zack.) Hey Milo.
Milo: Hey, guys.
Doof: (waving) Hey, Milo's friends.
Zack: Oh, hi. Dr D.
Melissa: What are you doing here?
Milo: He's shadowing me today.
Doof: Yeah, long story, you see bad things happen to me all the time. Seriously, it's practically my own Murphy's Law! Like Doof's law, Doof's or Heinz' law. Heinz's law. Heinz's Law is like Coleslaw, but Heinz' law. I should market that. (singing) If you're looking for a food you can take take on a picnic. Try Heinz' law. (stops singing) It's 30% horseradish.
Milo: (unimpressed) So anyway...
Doof: Oh right. So I just thought maybe I could tag along and see how the kid deals with it.
Zack: So you're just gonna come to school with us today?
Doof: Yep.
Melissa: You still don't have a job or something else you should be doing?
Doof: Nope. (Windwhistles, a tumbleweed passes by) Did I ever tell you guys about how I was raised by ocelots?
Melissa: Oh, here's the bus.
Zack: Thank goodness. (Bus pulls up, they all get on)
Doof: So Milo, with this whole Murphy's Law thing...(they sit down) How carefully have you been able to track the frequency, duration and intensity of the occurrence? 'Cause I've been doing that with my own negative events. (Pulls out a tied ream of paper, which he proceeds to open, it explodes over the bus' windows, and the driver struggles.) (oblivious) This is when a giant ball of tinfoil ripped the roof off my building, here's the first time I blew up (bus drives into the subway) and then uh.. this is where I tied to that birthday... (bus is driving through Subterranus) oh here's where I opened a ream of paper in a school bus and crashed into a subway. Not this time, I wouldn't have had the time to add it to the list, yet. It was the first time that happened. (The bus finally crashes into a wooden building.'-)
Scott: (turns round) Ah, the bus fairy got my letter!
Doof: (gets up) So was that Murphy's Law?
Melissa: (gets up on her seat) Nope, (everyone else sits up) that was all you. (The bus door opens and everyone gets out.)
Doof: But if it was Murphy's law, how would you deal with it?
Milo: I just stay calm and lead everyone to the surface (holds up a flag) And we're walking, we're walking. (Everyone starts to follow him as he leads.)
Doof: Interesting. See, I would continued with the thing I was doing.
Melissa: Opening a ream of paper on a school bus so it crashes into the subway?
Doof: Yeah, that's right and I would just keep doing that (starts walking to catch up.) until I got thwarted, but hey that's why I'm here right? To live and learn.
Jeffery G County Middle School's Ballfield.[]
(Everyone has changed into their PE uniforms. Milo, Melissa, Zack and Mort are stretching.)
Doof: So what's on the docket here for PE class? What kind of crazy shenangians can we expect, is it a barrage of flaming volleyballs? A marauding band of lacrosse sticks?
Milo: Actually, we all do is stretch.
Zack: Yeah, coach is never here on Wednesday mornings.
Melissa: I wonder where he goes.
Danville community Center.[]
Coach: Okay, I'll start. Hello my name is Coach and I believe we are being visited by extra-terrestrial entities.
Guy: Oh, that's true as turkey.
Evan: You're preaching to the choir. (turns round to reveal choir singers) Seriously, y'all shouldn't be here. You don't get the room till 10:30.
Singer: Oh.
Choir: ♪ Sorry. ♪
Coach: (sits down) So anyway (clears throat) about two weeks ago, I was parked by the side of the road, see? Shut my eyes for a few seconds....(Coach's head falls onto the steering wheel which sets the horn off, snores. The sky behind him changes to night, he wakes up) And the next thing I knew an entire hour had passed by.
Both: Missing time.
Guy: Was there a bright light? Were you immobilized?
Evan: Did they examine you in horrible, demeaning ways?
Cavendish: (enters the room) Excuse me is the Consortium of Other Worldly Knowledge Seekers?
Evan: That's us.
Cavendish: (looks at blackboard, where it's spelt KOOKS) Oh, yes I see. Just one question, you spelt 'Consortium' with a K. You realise that's a C, yes?
Guy: Yeah, but then it would spell 'cooks. '
Coach: And we are not cooks. I mean except for Evan, he actually is a cook.
Evan: Well, technically I'm a sous chef.
Guy: That's true as turkey.
Evan: Ironically a dish I do not cook.
Jefferson G County Middle School.[]
(sign says 'This week every day is Shadow Day')
Doof: Wow. You know when I was in middle school, (whilst walking through the hall with Melissa, Zack and Milo) we didn't have things like computers and cell phones, and indoor plumbing or indoor anything, really. We went to school (ceiling fan comes free) outside where teachers would just throw pine cones at us. (Milo spots the ceiling fan now falling and pulls out an inflatable over him and Doof, it deflates after the fans hits hit and he and Milo get up) Hey, that must have been your bad, because it if was Heinz's Law it would've hit me right on...(second fan hits him on head, he falls then gets up) See? See, like that. (3rd fan, knocks him down and he gets up again) Okay, now it's not believable. (4th fan hits him) Seriously, how many ceiling fans are there in that one spot?
Ms. Murawski's Science Classrooom.[]
(Milo walks in with Doof and they take a desk together with Zack)
Doof: Nice move with the inflatable by the way, is that your go-to move? Your MO? (Melissa joins them) Your Murphy operandi?
Milo: Well, not specifically a raft, but it is important to be prepared for any eventuality. That's why I asked you to pack your own backpack.
Melissa: So what did you bring?
Doof: (puts his backpack on the desk) I got all kinds of things. (opens it) I got a waffle-into-pancake-inator, I got a gorilla shave-inator, (takes cube out) I got a cube that makes pink foam.
Ms. Murawski: (taping on her desk with a ruler where she has set up a bunsen burner) Okay, class. Eyes up here on my desk. My beautiful, beautiful desk. (moves behind the desk) Today we'll be working with the Bunsen Burner. So (presses button on it, and shrieks as the blue flame suddenly grows massive)
Doof: Murphy's Law! (gets up cube in hand) I got this one! (throws cube, there is a pink foam explosion which pushes everyone against the windows.) Okay, so the fire's out, but hey guys, don't get that stuff in your mouth. (Zack and Melissa look very unimpressed) It's 70% horseradish.
Danville Community Center.[]
Guy: Are you sure you're in the right place?
Cavendish: Yes, well I was hoping to exchange some information, but clearly I've made a mistake. You, you fellas continue with your hootenanny or whatever this is. (Goes to leave, but Coach grabs his arm)
Coach: No, no, please. Join us. (He stands up and puts both hands on Cavendish's shoulders, before pushing him back into his seat.) Mr Chaffy was about to speak. Mr Chaffy...
Evan: It was because of those aliens that I got this bruise on my head.
(Flashback to Evan being on a Alien Ship strapped down, he narrates) I remember it all so clear. They had me strapped to some of examining table. (Two aliens walks in) There were two of them, maybe three. (Another pops in) Maybe more than that (6 more pop in) A couple more (2 more) No, maybe less. (5 disappear) Well, there were less than 6 I know that. (Another disappears, leaving 5) They were freakishly tall and gray. (4 grow tall) I think maybe green. (those 4 turn bright green) Maybe greenish-gray. (They go greenish-grey). They could read my mind. They were getting into my brain and I couldn't take it any longer! (screams and wakes up hitting his head on the light above his bed)
(Flashback over)
Evan: And I woke up with this bruise and that's a sure sign of an alien abduction.
Guy: True as turkey.
Coach: There's no other explanation.
Cavendish: (taking notes) Fascinating. Now can you tell me exactly where and when you had the enounter?
Coach: (pinches Cavendish's note pad) No, no, what is said in group, stays in group. Not everyone here is comfortable announcing their experiences to the world.
Guy: How about you Mr. Fancy Pants what's your story?
Cavendish: (fists clenched) Hold on to your hats, gentlemen and prepare to have your minds blown! (It's shown Evan is twisting a finger in his ear) I mean those of you who have one to blow.
Ms. Murawski's Science Classrooom.[]
(Doof, Milo, Melissa and Zack leave the classroom)
Doof: I know you might be right Milo, they key to everything is the backpack (Zack accidentally drops as baseball out of his bag). I think I..(notices the ball and stops) Hey, someone could trip. (holds out hand as Melissa, Milo and Zack stop and look back) Back away from the dangerous spheroid.
Milo: I can just (Doof digs through his bag) pick it up.
Doof: (pulls the Shrinkinator out) Behold! The Shrinkinator! (zaps the ball or rather hits the school instead) It's supposed to shrink, I don't know why it got so big...or I don't know why it's moving on it's own volition.
(Third version of Just Roll With It, with added Female Vocals, Doof takes the same prevention method as Elliot in 2, but with less success)
♪ Sometimes it looks like there is no solution
You wish you had a stronger constitution
Don't have to worry 'bout mistakes you made
When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade
(Hey!)
Hey, what'cha gonna do?
There's gotta be something that will get you through
The world is gonna shake you
But don't you let it break you in two
(Oh, yeah)
You can schedule and plan, but you gotta understand
You're never really in control
You got to know to let go
And just roll with it ♪
Doof: (Arrives at the now gaping hole the ball made in the wall) Ah, see, it was working. I just missed. See, I didn't make the ball bigger, I made the school and us smaller. (Milo, Zack and Melissa look unimpressed) See? It worked, it's working, it's..(Turns to Milo, Zack and Melissa) it's functioning properly, at least.
Elliot: (walks up) Wait a minute, where's the school?
Doof: (reverse the Shrinkinator and Elliot jumps back in surprise, before landing on one of the bikes and rolling backwards, he lands in the pond)
Elliot: (duck quack as they fly at him) Oh, no, not the ducks! Not the ducks! (the ducks attack him)
Danville Community Center[]
Cavendish: What I'm about to tell you is top secret. There is a clandestine government agency that deals with interstellar visitors.
All: I knew it
Cavendish: The government has been covertly covering up of aliens all together.
All: I knew it.
Cavendish: To the point that they appoint people to pick up the extra-terrestrial's garbage.
Coach: Now, that's just crazy.
Evan: How stupid do you think we are? Nobody would do that.
Cavendish: No, it's true. (stands up) I work for the government agency P I G
Guy: P I G?
Cavendish: Paranormal Investigation Group. Actually I work for the subdivision of that agency which is also called PIG, but it stands for Purveyors of Intergalactic Garbage, but you get the idea. And once I've proved the real danger to my boss, Mr Block-
Coach: Your boss who makes you pick up trash.
Cavendish: Yes, but you're missing the point.
Guy: Which is what? That you're some kind alien garbage man?
Cavendish: No, I mean...yes, but in a way, but..
Coach: Are you makin' fun of us?
Cavendish: No, I'm not making fun of you and believe me, that's taken alot of restraint, because you gentlemen are absolutely...(they throw him out of the community centre.)
Jefferson G County Middle School[]
Diogee: Barks
Milo: (notices) Diogee, go home. (points out of the room) You shouldn't be at school.
Doof: (slides his desk over) Oh, wait. Domestic animal, loose in the classroom, total candidate for Murphy's Law. I got this. Time for the Go-Home-Inator. (Pulls out the Go-Home-Inator and pulls the wind up cord) Is everyone beholding? (Attempts to zap Diogee and misses, it flies off a mirror near the sharpener where Bradley is, bounces off several buildings before hitting a ceiling mobile with glass, splitting the beam. One hits a surgeon at the hospital)
Danville Hospital[]
Surgeon: Okay, I'm going home. (His patient groans and sits up still under the sheet)
During a Baseball Match.[]
(The inator hits one of the players who turns to head to Home base the wrong way. )
Umpire: Safe I guess.
Danville Community Center.[]
Cavendish: Mark my words. Something stange is afoot. (Coach, Evan and Guy shut the doors behind) There is more going on here than anyone is telling you. The Aliens are among us.
Octalian Ship.[]
Alien Commander: He knows too much, we must remove him from the equation. (Goes to fire, but is hit by the Go-Home-Inator.) Wait. Why are we going home?
Jefferson G County Middle School[]
(Diogee gets bored and heads home himself)
Doof: (Arms up) Yes! Another victory over Murphy's Law. Victory dance. (Dances to an instrumental version of what sounds like squirrels in my pants. ) Yeah, that's right I got it. I got it, look at me, mama. I'm like a cereal commercial from the '80s. (ceiling fan lands on his head, leading him to go through the floor) Ow! (Milo looks down. )
At the bus stop.[]
Doof: (Sitting down with head in his hands) I give up, Milo. I packed my backpack, I tried to do everything you do, but I was still unable to deal with all the bad stuff that happened. (Gets up as Milo walks to his side.)
Milo: You know, you can seriously limit the number of bad things that happen to you, just by thinking things through a little better, Dr D.
Doof: Thinking? things through? A little better? Dr. D? (ponders) Hmm. (Wind whistles, a tumbleweed passes by) Yeah, I don't think that's gonna happen.
♪ It's my world and we're all livin' in it .♪