Milo Murphy's Halloween Scream-A-Torium!/Transcript

Gargoyle: Good evening, children and immature adults. Welcome to Milo Murphy's Halloween Scream-a-Tor — (chokes on the fog) — a-Torium. Scream-a-Torium. So, here's the deal. Milo's building a haunted house in an old truck. You can see where this is going. I mean, Milo, building a house of horror, what could possibly go wrong? Anyway, scaaaary.

(The Gargoyle freezes. Camera tilts down away from him to reveal the truck trailer. The wooden door on it opens downward, set to spooky music, to reveal Milo in a vampire costume. It stops halfway open. Milo jumps up and down to move the door; it opens a little at a time, the spooky music continuing as it does.)

Milo: Welcome to the Scream-a-Torium! Behold our first fright.

(Diogee emerges in a broccoli costume.)

Milo: Good scary broccoli costume, Diogee. (pets Diogee) My mom made it for last year's Veggie Fest.

(Cut to Melissa in a witch costume and Zack in his ordinary clothes.)

Zack: Wait. What's Veggie Fest?

(Cut back to Milo.)

Milo: Well, you see —

(Camera whizzes up to the Gargoyle.)

Gargoyle: This episode is not about Veggie Fest.

(Camera whizzes back down. Sara walks up, dressed in a Doctor Zone costume.)

Sara: Hey Milo, didn't Dad decommission this truck because it's unsafe?

Milo: It was just the brakes. (slides down the ramp) And steering. And engine. (Diogee slides down the ramp and tumbles over.) It's perfectly safe as long as it's not moving, so this baby isn't going anywhere.

Zack: So how much do you want to bet that this...

Melissa: Sorry, no more bets. Window's closed.

Milo: Hang on a second. (moves Melissa aside) Hm. (walks around Zack, inspecting him) Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Hmm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Ah-ha! (leans in close to Zack) No costume.

Zack: (Backs away from Milo) Aren't we a little too old to dress up for Halloween?

Melissa and Milo: No!

Sara: Wait? It's Halloween? (Melissa and Milo look at her.) I'm just kidding, of course I know it's Halloween. But I do wear this intermittently all year.

Zack: I think I may have outgrown Halloween scares.

Milo: You sure about that?

(Milo pulls a lever on the truck, and a hockey mask and a little chainsaw spring out at Zack, who is unmoved. It promptly falls apart.)

Zack: Yeah, pretty sure.

Sara: Just not a Halloween guy?

Zack: No, the opposite! I used to love Halloween!

(Flashback to Zack as an infant in a mouse costume sitting in a car seat.)

Zack (in voice-over): I used to love getting dressed up, and my dad used to love scaring me. (In flashback, Marcus springs up outside the car, saying "Boo!". Infant Zack's pacifier falls out, and he starts crying.) And man, was my dad good at it. (In another flashback, Zack is a younger child, dressed as a rabbit, and Marcus in a fox costume startles him.) Every year, it was something new. (In another flashback, Zack is an older child in a safari outfit, and Marcus in a mummy costume falls out of a closet. Zack runs away screaming.) As far back as I can remember. (In another flashback, Eileen is pregnant with Zack and receiving ultrasound. Marcus jumps in and does an evil laugh at Zack, who cries and kicks rapidly against the womb.) He was always scaring me. (In another flashback, Zack exits his house in a farmer costume with a hoe and a bag in hand. Marcus jumps up from behind some Halloween décor in a scarecrow costume and startles Zack, who falls off the porch.) And it was awesome. (Gets back up now with a gap in his teeth) Haha, yeah!

(End of flashbacks.)

Zack: But this year I turned fourteen, and fake cobwebs and costume dummies just don't scare me any more!

Melissa: Well, maybe Milo's haunted house will fix that.

Zack: I mean, I doubt it, but I guess I could try.

Milo: (Menacing) Excellent. Zack, hold on to your socks!

(Milo uses a remote control to light up the "SCREAM-A-TORIUM" signage on the side of the truck. A giant witch, vampire, and werewolf pop up in sequence. The witch cackles, the vampire gives an evil laugh, and the werewolf howls. The arms of the werewolf fly off. One of them lands near Milo and bounces off screen.)

Milo: Um, okay. (Casts the remote control aside, starts up the ramp) Follow me if you have any brains. Braaains! Ohh, that's right, I didn't go with a zombie costume. Anyway, follow me if you have any blood!

(Melissa and Sara follow Milo up the ramp.)

Melissa: I've got blood!

Sara: Me too!

Zack: I guess I've got blood too.

(Cut to Cavendish and Dakota's place. Dakota is wadding up paper and throwing it at Cavendish, who is asleep.)

Cavendish: (Groans) Hildegard, I know I'm only a lowly Time Traveller Third Class, but would you do me the honor of —

Dakota: Wake up!

(Cavendish starts. He hits a picture frame behind him with his head, which falls off the wall.)

Cavendish: Ow!

Dakota: I've heard this dream before. She says no.

Cavendish: Well, she might have said yes this time.

Dakota: In your dreams.

Cavendish: (Walks up to Dakota's desk) Well, yes, obviously, but now we will never know.

Dakota: That's what I was going for. Anyways, too big a day to waste napping. Today (points to the thirty-first on an October calendar) is the last Halloween ever!

Cavendish: The ancient holiday that ended mysteriously in the early twenty-first century. This is most fortuitous! We could solve the mystery!

Dakota: Or we could have fun. I hear there's candy involved.

Cavendish: All right. What do we do?

Dakota: Well, according to my research, (hands Cavendish a "Boo-Ray DVD" of Woodchipper: The Musical) we sneak up on teenagers wearing a hockey mask —

Cavendish: Mm-hmm, I'm with you so far.

Dakota: — and I got us some costumes.

(Dakota sets a large black duffel bag on his desk and opens it to reveal two red knapsacks. Cavendish takes one out.)

Cavendish: A parachute.

Dakota: That's weird. (Cavendish turns to scowl at him) Night-vision goggles, a grappling hook...

Cavendish: You ninny! You've taken Brick and Savannah's duffel bag again!

Dakota: Ohhh! Whoops.

(Cut to a snowy mountain. Brick and Savannah are skiing, pursued by a number of goons, also skiing. Brick and Savannah ski over a cliff, cast off their ski equipment, and pull straps on their knapsacks. Instead of parachutes, Halloween stuff comes out. They yell as they fall face-first into a snowdrift, the Halloween stuff following. Brick crawls out of the snowdrift dressed as a clown.)

Brick: (angrily) I'm gonna kill those guys.

(Moaning, Savannah emerges from the snowdrift in a plain grey garment, her hair undone. She leans in, cracking something; Brick screams.)

(Cut back to Cavendish and Dakota.)

Dakota: (Pulls out a time grenade) Hey look, this is pretty neat-o.

Cavendish: Why do Brick and Savannah always get the cool gadgets?

(Beeping.)

Dakota: Oh look, it wants to link up with my phone. (Tapping at his phone) Enable data from time grenade. Yes.

Cavendish: Time grenade! Those are incredibly dangerous! They erase time! Put it somewhere safe, and don't touch it!

Dakota: Okay, okay. (Puts the time grenade in a plastic jack-o-lantern bucket)

Cavendish: Honestly, you've got to pay more attention to what you're doing. (Moves to put on his hat; wads of paper fall out of it. He tilts it, and one more wad of paper hits him in the face.)

(Cut back to Milo's haunted house. Milo, Melissa, Zack, and Sara stand before a shut door.)

Milo: Behold the Ghastly Chamber of Ghastliness! Enter if you dare!

(The door opens, seemingly by itself. Sara is startled and screams.)

Sara: Squeaking freaks me out.

(Milo shows them into the room. Diogee is seen to hold a chain attached to the door.)

Melissa: Oh hi, Diogee!

Sara: Hi, Diogee!

Zack: Broccoli dog. Very scary.

(Milo enters one secret chamber, and Diogee squeezes through the entrance to another.)

Melissa: So, what do you think, Zack?

Zack: (Deadpan) It's so terrifying, I can hardly believe we're just sitting in Milo's driveway.

(Cut to outside the truck. The garage door kicks the truck away. The truck strikes a fire hydrant, causing it to turn left. Martin exits the garage, dressed as an orange.)

Martin: Milo, have you seen my fake teeth? (Pauses and feels for them) Never mind; I'm wearing them. (Walks back into the garage and closes the garage door) Wait a second! (Opens garage door again, looks outside) I thought I decommissioned a truck today.

(Cut back to Milo's haunted house. It is rolling down a steep hill)

Zack: Whoa. Do you guys feel that?

Melissa: That's weird. How did he get the truck to shake like this?

Sara: Shaky truck, shaky truck, shaky truck! (Hides behind Melissa)

Zack: (Deadpan) Really? You're afraid of hydraulics?

Sara: I'm afraid of squeaking and shaking.

(Cut to two children elsewhere. One child has a hockey mask but is not wearing it; the second is dressed as a ghost.)

First Child: Wow! I got a Sour Face and three Torque Bars!

Second Child: I got Sweet and Sour Lemon Baseballs!

(Elliot enters, notepad in hand and dressed as an Allosaurus but still wearing his safety vest over his costume.)

Elliot: Okay, are you kids Halloweening within acceptable safety parameters?

Second Child: Come on; let's go Halloween somewhere else. (Walks off with First Child)

Elliot: (Aside) Gotta remain vigilant on the most dangerous non-religious holiday night of the latter half of the year.

(The Scream-a-Torium rolls by.)

Elliot: Hey! (indistinct) payload, expired license plate, (straps on helmet and mounts bike), unauthorized Halloween signage? Not on my watch, Buster! (Rides off in pursuit)

(The shot alternates a few times between the Scream-a-Torium and Elliot chasing it. When the shot is on the Scream-a-Torium, a rock guitar plays. When the shot is on Elliot, the soundtrack is silent.)

(A loose chain on the haunted house strikes it. Cut to inside.)

Zack: (Sarcastically) Ooh, clinking chains. I'm terrified.

(Zack, Melissa, and Sara walk past several coffins stood up against the wall. Out of one of them pops a vampire dummy. Sara screams.)

Melissa: Really? You're afraid of Mr. Drako?

Sara: I didn't really... like shop class. (Trails off) So many... sharp objects.

Zack: No, I don't really think that's Mr. Drako. I think it's supposed to be Dracula.

Melissa: Oh yeah, look at that, huh. It's Dracula.

(Sara screams and hides behind Zack.)

Zack: (Unimpressed) Really?

(Mr. Drako is revealed to be in another coffin behind Sara, reading a magazine. Sara screams again and moves to the other side of Zack.)

Mr. Drako: What's that all about?

Zack: She didn't like your shop class.

Mr. Drako: Ouch.

(Cut to outside the truck. Saxophone music in the style of Yakety Sax plays with a spooky backing track. Elliot is still pursuing the Scream-a-Torium. It crashes through a guard-rail and onto a mountain road, and Elliot follows. The tow truck ahead of the Scream-a-Torium hits a bump, and so does the Scream-a-Torium. It falls onto the trailer hookup of the tow truck.)

Elliot: (Shocked) Piggybacking without the proper hydraulic hookup? Another safety violation! (Stops and pants) Okay. (Continues)

(Cut to Cavendish and Dakota with three children in costume. Cavendish is in a giraffe costume, and Dakota is in his normal tracksuit and wearing a metal helmet, on top of which is a wrench mounted on a spindle. Dakota is holding a plastic jack-o-lantern bucket.)

Cavendish: These costumes are ridiculous. What are we even supposed to be?

Dakota: Well, I'm the Industrial — (pushes a button on his helmet, causing the wrench to revolve) — Revolution! Get it? Get it? I made mine! And I got yours in a thrift store.

Cavendish: But what am I? Why do I have these spots? (Reaches behind and pulls the giraffe head in front of him) Why is this neck so long? Are these horns?

Dakota: Where are you from? No-Giraffe-Land?

Cavendish: Never mind that. (Puts the giraffe head behind him) And you're sure you understand how this Halloween holiday works?

Dakota: Oh, don't worry. I did a ton of research on the Internet while you were trying on your costume. Anyway, I got this all figured out. (The children walk off) Oh good, it's our turn. Grab the cart.

(Cut to the children at a house, at the entrance of which stand a man and a woman. The woman is holding a large bowl full of candy. The children walk away from the house.)

Child: Thank you.

(Dakota and Cavendish approach the house; Dakota pushes a cart with a large cooked turkey, a candy apple, two rolls of toilet paper, and a bowl of eggs on it.)

Dakota: We give thanks for Halloween!

Cavendish: Huzzah!

Dakota: Here you go, the traditional turkey. (Grabs some slices of turkey and throw them at the couple; the turkey slices land on the couple's heads)

Cavendish: And toilet paper pranks. (Takes a roll of toilet paper from the cart and throws it at the couple; it unrolls over the man's head)

(Dakota takes the candy apple from the cart and gives it to the man; it has a lit candle in it.)

Dakota: Okay, now you blow out the candle and make a wish while I go hide the eggs.

(Cavendish pulls out his phone.)

Cavendish: And this is for the yearbook! (Takes a picture)

Woman: What are you doing?

Dakota: Oh. I'm sorry. Did we get it wrong?

Cavendish: We're from out of town.

Dakota: (Pointing to Cavendish) Apparently he's from some place where they don't have giraffes.

Cavendish: It's our first Halloween.

Dakota: Yeah. We're new.

Woman: Would you like us to explain?

Dakota: (Chuckles) No, no, no, (looks up to see Cavendish glaring at him) yes.

("Tonight's the Last Halloween" starts.)

Dakota: ♪ I think I understand, I think I get the knack ♪

♪ It's just a way to get free candy. What a racket! ♪

♪ We are gonna score tonight, it's gonna be a phenomenon ♪

♪ Halloween is just the best. Too bad it's the last one! ♪

♪ We need to stop at every house. Oh wait, we just passed one ♪

♪ We gotta make the most of this while it's still going on ♪

♪ We're going door to door, just asking for candy ♪

♪ On any other night, it would be pan-handling ♪

♪ I think you know what I mean! It's the last Halloween! ♪

Look at this candy, look at this loot!

We should avoid that house; I hear they're giving fresh fruit,

♪ But right next door they got full-size candy bars! ♪

♪ Wait, I got an idea; it's a little bit shady ♪

♪ But if we change costumes, that same old lady's ♪

♪ Gonna give us more candy, 'cause she won't know who we are ♪

♪ Wear a costume that's simple or really elaborate ♪

♪ Using papier-mâché, or just cheap fa-ba-ric ♪

♪ You can be a ghost, and I can be a Frahnk-en-shteen ♪

Cavendish and Dakota: ♪ We're going door to door, just asking for candy ♪

♪ On any other night, this would be pan-handling ♪

♪ But live it up, folks, 'cause tonight's the last Halloween! ♪

♪ Yeah! Live it up, folks, 'cause tonight's the last Halloween! ♪

(End of "Tonight's the Last Halloween".)

(Cut to the mountain road. The Scream-a-Torium is still being pulled by the tow truck. The tow truck runs over a log and dislodges the Scream-a-Torium. In ascending a hill, it comes to a stop and starts to go backward down the hill.)

(Cut to inside the Scream-a-Torium. Melissa, Sara, and Zack are struggling to keep their balance; Zack is thrown into a secret chamber.)

(Cut to outside the Scream-a-Torium. It passes Elliot on his bike.)

Elliot: Okay. Now I'm gonna have to start writing these safety violations down. (Rides in pursuit)

(Cut to inside the Scream-a-Torium. Melissa and Sara are still struggling to keep their balance; Sara falls over.)

Sara: Oh! The rumbling stopped.

Melissa: Yeah, it did!

Sara: Hey. Where's Zack?

Melissa: I dunno!

(Cut to Zack, buried beneath pieces of plate armour. He gets up from them; he has on a headband with two arrows "running through" it and a similar thing on his knee.)

Zack: What! (takes off the fake arrows) I'm gonna go find Milo. (Walks toward a door) Milo! Come on, man, where are you? Milo?

(Zack opens the door, which is the exit of the truck. He is left dangling from the door handle over a cliff. He screams, swings onto the bumper and grasps a chain. He looks down over the cliff. The camera zooms out to reveal the immensity of the cliff.)

Zack: Okay, now this is actually scary!

Milo: (Throwing the door open, which strikes Zack) Hey Zack, why aren't you in the — (screams, falls, and grabs the door handle) Oh, there you are.

(Milo lets the handle go and starts to fall.)

Zack: I gotcha.

(Zack grabs Milo and saves him. Milo's cloak falls down the cliff.)

Milo: (Disappointed) Oh! That cloak was a rental.

(A rock beneath the Scream-a-Torium crumbles, jerking it downward. Zack and Milo look down and scream. The camera whizzes up to the Gargoyle.)

Gargoyle: And this is where we end the first half with a — what do you call it when they're hanging off the end of a cliff? Oh, never mind. See you after the break.

(Commercial break.)

(After the break, cut to the Scream-a-Torium, hanging over the edge of a cliff.)

Zack: Yeah. Now would be a great time for you to say, "I've got an idea!"

Milo: Oh. (chuckles) Right. Zack, I've got an i—

(Camera whizzes up to the Gargoyle.)

Gargoyle: Cliffhanger! That's the word I was looking for. Oh, I'm sorry. Go back to the story.

(Camera whizzes down to Zack and Milo.)

Milo: — an idea. Look inside my backpack.

(Zack reaches into Milo's backpack and pulls out a rhinoceros mask.)

Zack: A rhino mask?

Milo: Well, it is Halloween, but keep looking.

(Zack casts the rhino mask away and digs into Milo's backpack again. He pulls out a grappling hook.)

Zack: Oh. I found a grappling hook. (releases the chain on the Scream-a-Torium) I'm the man! (Grabs the chain again, dropping the grappling hook) I take that back. I'm not the man.

(The Scream-a-Torium rumbles as some rock beneath it breaks up. Zack and Milo scream.)

Zack: Now what?

Milo: Try again! I always carry extras of everything.

Zack: Of course you do! (pulls out another rhino mask) Seriously?

Milo: Well, it is Hallo—

Zack: Stop saying that!

(Cut to Melissa and Sara inside the Scream-a-Torium sliding back and forth on the floor. Melissa seems to be enjoying herself; Sara not so much.)

Melissa: Cool hydraulics!

Sara: It feels like we're really moving!

(Diogee slides by.)

(Cut to Zack and Milo. Zack is rummaging through Milo's backpack. He takes out the other grappling hook.)

Zack: Got it! Here, Milo! Aim for that tree!

(Milo starts to cast the grappling hook, but he falls off the bumper. Zack catches him but falls off himself. He hangs onto the bumper for dear life.)

Zack: How much longer before we die?

(Camera tilts down to Milo, who is only held up because his backpack is caught on Zack's foot.)

Milo: Well, actuaries calculate that the average lifespan of a fourteen-year-old male is approximately —

Zack: Don't quote actuarial tables at me! I went to actuary camp for three summers!

Milo: You went to actuary camp?

Zack: You don't know everything about me! Just throw the grappling hook.

Milo: Oh yeah. I can do this!

(Milo slings the grappling hook so that it catches the tree.)

Zack: You did it!

Milo: Yeah! On my first try, too!

(Milo pulls himself up the rope attached to the grappling hook, turning the Scream-a-Torium away from the cliff.)

Zack: It's working!

Milo: I knew those grappling hook classes would pay off.

Zack: Wait, you took grappling hook classes?

Milo: You don't know everything about me!

(Milo finishes pulling himself, Zack, and the Scream-a-Torium to safety.)

Zack: Ugh. Yeesh! Glad that's over with.

Milo: (Tying the rope to the bumper) Me too!

Elliot: (offscreen) Well, well, well. (Riding in from screen right) What do we have here?

Milo: Oh hey, Elliot! (to Zack) Elliot's dressed like a T. rex.

Zack: Actually, I think that's a Velociraptor.

Elliot: (walking up to Milo and Zack) You're both wrong; I'm an Allosaurus. But never mind that; you two are in big trouble! Don't you realize a big truck like this could roll away —

(The truck starts rolling away.)

Milo: Here we go again. (Grabs on to the cab of the truck) Come on, Zack!

Elliot: I told you it would roll away!

(The grappling hook unwinds from the tree and snags Elliot's bike.)

Elliot: Hey! My bike! (Runs after it)

(Elliot, screaming, catches up to his bike and mounts it. Cut to Zack and Milo hanging on the truck.)

Milo: (yelling) I hope the girls are okay!

Zack: Oh, they must be terrified in there.

(Cut to Melissa and Sara inside the Scream-a-Torium. Sara is screaming, terrified, but Melissa is pointing and laughing and enjoying herself. The spectacle is Diogee wriggling inside a zombie astronaut dummy.)

(Cut to outside the truck, rolling backwards down a steep hill. Cut again to inside the cab of the truck. Zack and Milo put on their seat belts. Zack reaches in vain for the brake.)

Zack: There's no brakes!

Milo: And no engine.

Zack: (Agitated) Where's the steering wheel?

Milo: I think this bird is using it as a nest.

Zack: (Leaning in) Of course he is!

(Cut to Elliot, pedalling furiously on his bike which is still attached to the truck. He produces a bullhorn.)

Elliot: (Into the bullhorn) Attention! Driver of late-model Scream-a-Torium! You have committed seventeen safety violations! (The bird and its steering-wheel nest are thrown off the truck at Elliot, who ducks. Eggs splatter Elliot's Allosaurus costume in the eyes.) Eighteen! (Elliot's bike hits a log by the side of the road; Elliot is thrown off it.) Okay, nineteen! (Elliot lands in a tree and falls into a berry bush.)

(Cut to the Scream-a-Torium still rolling backwards, pulling Elliot's bike in front of it. Elliot runs after it, but stops and pants.)

Elliot: Twenty! (Continues after the Scream-a-Torium)

(Cut to Cavendish and Dakota. Dakota is carrying a jack-o-lantern bucket full of candy.)

Cavendish: You know, Dakota, I've never had so much fun in all my life.

Dakota: You've never had any fun in all your life. Let's take a load off and enjoy some candy. (Reaches into his bucket) Oh hey, I think my pumpkin got switched with that other kid's pumpkin back there.

Cavendish: How could you tell? They're both filled with candy.

Dakota: (still rummaging through his bucket) Yeah, but mine had the time grenade in it, and this one does not.

Cavendish: Wait! Does that mean some random child has the time grenade?

Dakota: (worried) Oh, yes.

Cavendish: He could accidentally wipe out the next year or the next century! You and I would never exist! Why the deuce would you have the time grenade in your candy basket?

Dakota: (pointing censoriously at Cavendish) You said put it somewhere safe. Where's safer than with my candy?

Cavendish: Oh, I don't know. How about in your pocket, in your shoe, in the bag you originally found it in, in a safety deposit box —

(Cut to a title card saying "10 MINUTES LATER"; a voice reads it out.)

Cavendish: — a birdhouse, a doghouse, a hotel safe —

(Dakota covers Cavendish's mouth.)

Dakota: All good ideas, I admit, but, but hey, it's a high-tech device from the future. What are the odds some kid's even gonna be able to activate it?

(Cut to the child with the hockey mask and the child dressed as a ghost. Ghost Child is holding the time grenade.)

Hockey Mask Child: What is that?

Ghost Child: I don't know. Let's activate it.

(Hockey Mask Child pushes a large button on the time grenade. Lights on it start flashing, and it starts beeping.)

Ghost Child and Hockey Mask Child: Ooooooh!

(Cut to Dakota and Cavendish. Dakota's phone beeps, and he pulls it out.)

Dakota: So, I'm not batting a thousand today. The kid just activated it. But it's only set for one day, so it'll just delete October thirty-first, y'know, for all eternity.

Cavendish: Do you realize what this means? It's not that people decided to stop celebrating Halloween. We destroyed it by letting the time grenade fall into the hands of that child! We've got to find him!

Dakota: It's okay. We've still got four minutes and forty-eight, forty-seven, forty-six —

Cavendish: It's counting down?

Dakota: (puts his hand up to defend himself) Yeah, just a little, but don't worry. I know what the kid looks like. He looks like a ghost (holds up his jack-o-lantern bucket) carrying a little basket like this.

Cavendish: Ahem.

(Many children in ghost costumes carrying jack-o-lantern buckets walk by.)

Dakota: Okay, it's gonna be a little harder than I thought.

(Cut to the Scream-a-Torium, still rolling downhill with Elliot's bike in tow. Milo adjusts the rear view mirror on his side.)

Milo: There. Perfect! Now —

(A telephone pole takes out his mirror.)

Milo: Hey Zack, could you adjust your mirror so we can see where —

(Another telephone pole takes out Zack's mirror.)

Milo: Wow! Narrow road.

(The chase music starts up again. The truck crashes through a honey warehouse, a maple syrup warehouse, and a candy warehouse. The windshield wipers clear Milo's and Zack's view.)

Milo: Oh, look at that! The windshield wipers work.

(The truck crashes through a roofing tar warehouse, a feather warehouse, an empty warehouse, a mannequin warehouse, a medical supply warehouse, and a taxidermy warehouse. It goes over a cliff, stops in front of the Moon, and begins falling straight down. Milo and Zack start screaming.)

(Cut to inside the Scream-a-Torium. Melissa and Sara are in a room full of mattresses, floating in free-fall.)

Melissa: How is he doing this?

Sara: I have no idea! This is against the laws of physics!

(Cut to Milo and Zack, also floating in free-fall, but restrained by their seat belts. Zack is covering his eyes.)

Zack: I don't want to get carsick right before I die!

Milo: You're not gonna die. Just push the parachute button.

(Zack uncovers his eyes.)

Zack: So there's a parachute button but no engine?

Milo: Yeah. Who needs an engine when you're falling?

(Long pause.)

Zack: I have no response to that. (Pushes the parachute button)

(Three large parachutes come out of the top of the truck; Milo, Zack, Melissa, and Sara fall to the floor.)

Melissa: Whoo!

(Cut to a courtyard in front of Jefferson County Middle School. Chad and Mort are planning a Halloween party. Mort is dressed as a mummy, and Chad is dressed as a pirate. Chad holds a clipboard and a pencil.)

Mort: Okay, Chad. Let's go over the Halloween party prep list one more time before the kids get here.

Chad: Okay, go.

Mort: Let's see. Scary monster cutout? (points to a crude construction of wood, forks, knives, etc.)

Chad: Check.

Mort: Beanbag toss? (points to a ghost-shaped board, which kicks up dust as it collapses)

Chad: Check.

Mort: Table with eight, nine — nine pieces of candy? Used to be ten.

Chad: (chewing, swallows) Check.

Mort: Apple-bobbing bucket with no apples? (Points to an overturned bucket with water and several apple cores around)

Chad: Check.

Mort: Wow. We really stink at planning parties. The kids are gonna be really disappointed.

Chad: I don't know about you, but I'm gonna grab what's left of the candy.

(Milo's Scream-a-Torium falls from the sky and crushes the meagre party paraphernalia. Its parachutes drape over it. Cut to inside the truck with Milo and Zack.)

Zack: Wow! We survived! (Looks at the windows covered with candy and tar) Unless Heaven looks like the floor of a movie theatre.

(Zack and Milo crawl out from under the parachute.)

Zack: (Looks around) What!

(Chad and Mort approach them.)

Milo: Oh hey! Mort, Chad.

Mort: Wow! Cosmic entrance, Milo!

(Some kids come out from behind the Scream-a-Torium)

First Child: We're here for the party.

Second Child: Yeah. Where's the party?

Third Child: Yeah, where's the big surprise? (The parachutes blow away, revealing the Scream-a-Torium covered in candy, tar, taxidermy, and bits of mannequins.)

Children: Wow! Sweet!

(Camera whizzes over to the Gargoyle.)

Gargoyle: Ah? Ahh?

(Camera whizzes back to the children.)

Children: I'm scared right now. Oh, I love being scared. This is gonna be great! (one child produces his phone and takes a picture.) Notice the awesome scary screw on the mannequin with no head? (Some children scream) And how about that Expressionistic splatter effect?

(The children run excitedly into the Scream-a-Torium, Milo having set up crates as steps to enter it.)

(Cut to Cavendish and Dakota. Cavendish has a black eye.)

Cavendish: Flabberknackers! Who knew it could be so much trouble rifling through kids' Halloween bags?

Dakota: Yeah, I thought it was supposed to be easy. "Taking candy from a baby."

Cavendish: I swear, Dakota. If I get punched in the face by one more disgruntled mother —

Dakota: You'll what?

Cavendish: (resigned) Pout.

Dakota: Come on. We've still got one more minute. It's gotta be around here somewhere.

(Cut to the Ghost Child holding the activated time grenade.)

Ghost Child: Look at this thing! I have no idea what house I got it from or what it is or if it's even safe, but I activated it!

(Cut back to Dakota and Cavendish.)

Cavendish: Oi! What's that noise?

Dakota: (gasps) It's the time grenade! It's right over there!

Cavendish: Quick! There's not a moment to lose!

Dakota: (pushes Cavendish away) I'm on it!

(Dakota leaps into a slow-motion dramatic dive and lands just short of the time grenade. Cavendish is unimpressed.)

Dakota: Wow. I really miscalculated there.

Cavendish: Yes! What were you doing?

Dakota: Well, I was thinking I could dive; it would make this big dramatic ending to the —

Cavendish: Time grenade!

Dakota: Oh yeah! I'll just take that! (takes the time grenade out of the Ghost Child's hands)

Ghost Child: Hey!

Dakota: Yeah, sorry, kid. (Takes Cavendish's candy bucket) Here. Candy.

Ghost Child: Awesome!

(Dakota starts trying to disarm the time grenade.)

Cavendish: (shouting) Disarm it!

Dakota: I'm trying; it's a four-step process.

Cavendish: Well, hurry up!

Dakota: It doesn't help when you yell.

Cavendish: Just change it to a day that's not Halloween!

(Dakota adjusts the time grenade.)

Dakota: Oh yeah, okay. (Finishes adjusting the time grenade) December twenty-fifth!

Cavendish: That's Christmas!

Dakota: (adjusts the time grenade) Twenty-fourth!

Cavendish: Nothing in December!

Dakota: Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I think this button will disarm it. (Pushes the button)

(Dakota and Cavendish are put in ancient Rome.)

Dakota: Nope. That was just the time-shift button.

Cavendish: We're in ancient Rome!

Dakota: I can see that. Just three more steps.

Cavendish: What have you been doing?

Dakota: Well, they're long steps.

(Caesar bumps into Dakota, causing him to drop the time grenade. It starts beeping rapidly and glows red.)

Dakota: We're out of time! She's gonna blow!

(Dakota and Cavendish duck and cover. An explosion comes out of the time grenade, but Cavendish, Dakota, and Caesar are unaffected.)

Cavendish: (gets up) What — what day was it set for?

Dakota: (gets up) Oh, it was set for February twenty-ninth. That's not a day anybody really needs.

Cavendish: Huzzah!

Dakota: Plus I had it one-quarter disarmed, so we'll still get one every four years.

Cavendish: Great Caesar's ghost! We just created leap-year.

Caesar: Great Caesar's what?

Cavendish: (sheepish) Nothing, nothing, we were just — leaving.

Dakota: (waves to Caesar) Toodle-oo. Beware the Ides of March!

Caesar: That's my favorite holiday.

Dakota: Yeah, not for long.

(Dakota pushes a button on the time grenade, and he and Cavendish are transported out of Ancient Rome.)

(Cut back to the Scream-a-Torium. Sara dives out of it screaming. Melissa runs beside her.)

Melissa: You were so terrified in there.

Sara: (getting up) Yes! I was! And it was awesome! (Looks around) Wait a minute. Where did — how did we get here?

(Milo and Zack walk in from screen right.)

Milo: Funny story, actually.

(Sara screams.)

Melissa: Wait. Zack. I thought you left. How did you get here?

Zack: The scariest way possible. With Milo. I don't see what I was worried about. (Does an elaborate handshake with Milo) Every day with Milo is a Halloween fright-fest.

Milo: I'm glad you liked it.

Melissa: Well, Zack, I'm glad to see you've finally come around.

Zack: I guess Halloween's still fun after all.

(Camera whizzes over to Elliot, ragged.)

Elliot: Milo. Where's — my — bike?

(Milo, Melissa, and Sarah are startled and run away; Zack is unmoved.)

Zack: Huh. Still not scared.

(Marcus walks over to Zack in a fish costume.)

Marcus: Hey, son.

(Zack convulses and runs away terrified. Marcus chuckles. Elliot walks over to him.)

Elliot: Hey, that's a pretty good Halloween costume, Mr. Underwood.

Marcus: It's Halloween? (Elliot's smile disappears.)

(The end.)