Act I

A street

(Milo, Zack and Melissa are racing down a street followed by a truck, which falls leaving a flood of lava on the road which chases the trio. Melissa is riding an ice block pulled by a bunch of chinchillas, Zack is on a pair of skis leaving sparks on the ground, and Milo is riding a bike with only its front tire.)

Zack: (screaming) You know that game where the floor is molten lava? THE FLOOR IS MOLTEN LAVA! (The lava melts a water tower, which unleashes a tidal wave, and stops the lava; they fall on the ground) We survived!

Milo: Yeah, but our snacks didn't.

Melissa: I'd say we could go back to the convenience store, but our way is blocked.

Zack: Haha! Now it's more of an inconvenience store, up high! (Waits for a high five, but is left hanging) Nobody? Nope? Nobody at all?

Milo: I'll grab some snacks at the grocery store, and we can meet at my house to watch the lost pilot episode of Doctor Zone. (mounts his bike and rides off)

Zack: How can we watch a lost episode?

Melissa: They found it.

Zack: But then isn't it a found episode?

Melissa: You're really into semantics.

Zack: And you have too many chinchillas.

Melissa: There's no such thing.

(Zack shoos one away from him.)

Jefferson County Middle School

(Cavendish and Dakota, in their time-vehicle, time-travel in and crash into the school. Cavendish and Dakota exit the vehicle; Dakota exclaims as they crash.)

Cavendish: Blast it all!

Dakota: I told you to ride the brakes.

Cavendish: Not good on the discs!

Dakota: (as they walk away) Yeah, well, it's not good on the front of the car to hit a brick wall. Ah, there it is!

(Cut to the pistachio plant in the courtyard as Dakota and Cavendish approach it.)

Cavendish: Wait one moment! We were assigned to protect this very same plant once before!

Dakota: Yeah, and if memory serves, we failed, right?

Cavendish: But somehow it survived.

(Flashback to a part of "The Substitute". The sentient blob that Milo accidentally created is clutching Dakota's leg, and Cavendish is pulling him against it.)

Dakota: The sentient blob has my foot!

(Dakota comes free; part of the sentient blob is sent into the air conditioning system. It crawls out onto the courtyard where the crushed pistachio plant is, then settles on the plant to heal it. It glows red as a musical sting is heard. End of flashback.)

Dakota: Maybe we're getting a do-over.

Cavendish: Or, we're the butt of some huge cosmic joke. I'm not going to stand here and be mocked! (A Doctor Zone Files sign falls behind them. They turn and see Milo riding in on his bike with only a front wheel.) It's him! Protect the plant!

Dakota: I thought that we decided that he wasn't the villain.

Cavendish: We don't know that.

Dakota: Wait, here's a crazy idea. (to Milo) Hey, Murphy! (to Cavendish) Why don't we just ask him?

Milo: (stops and dismounts) Oh, hi, guys.

Cavendish: (harrumphs) That's just what we expected you to say.

Dakota: Ignore him. Murphy, we've noticed that our paths seem to cross a lot, and things keep going wrong when you're around, so we're just wondering...

Milo: Oh sure. It's Murphy's Law.

Dakota: Excuse me?

Milo: Whenever I'm around, Murphy's Law takes effect.

Cavendish: Oh. You mean "whatever can go wrong will go wrong"?

Milo: Exactly.

(A woodpecker pecks at a wall of the school and flies off. The wall crumbles. The Doctor Zone Files billboard collapses further. Milo shrugs.)

Dakota: Yeah, okay.

Cavendish: You're not deliberately thwarting our mission?

Milo: What mission is that?

Cavendish: We are time-travelers from the future protecting pistachios.

Milo: (surprised and incredulous) Okay.... But why would I want to thwart that mission? I love pistachios! (in the style of a commercial jingle) ♪ Pistachios, the nut that's green. It always makes such great cuisine! ♪

Dakota: Oh, yeah! That commercial, with the waiter who drops the — yeah!

Milo: (laughs) Yeah! And the pistachio goes up that guy's nose! Ha, oh, those are great.

Cavendish: So you're not working against us.

Milo: Not to my knowledge.

Cavendish: Well, that's a relief.

Milo: Oh, well, I better get going before things get any worse. (shakes Cavendish' hand)

Cavendish and Dakota: Whoa, look out! (They stop Milo from going over the pistachio plant)

Milo: I almost stepped right on it. See, that's what I'm talking about. Good thing you guys were here. (leaves)

Dakota: Do you think we saved it?

(Cavendish checks his inter-temporal communicator.)

Cavendish: We did it!

Dakota: We did it! Yes, we did it! We did it! (He and his partner start jumping up and down happily as they continue exulting.)

Milo: Oh, there goes the chain. (pulls a wrench out from behind his head and twirls it) Might as well replace the missing tire while I'm at it. (pulls a bicycle wheel out of his backpack)

Cavendish: This is it. The turning point! (Pulls out his inter-temporal communicator with a flourish) We have to call Mr. Block. (calls him; Mr. Block appears on the monitor after a second)

Mr. Block: What do you two want?

Cavendish: We did it, sir! We saved the pistachio plant. We're ready for our next assignment.

Mr. Block: What?! You clearly didn't succeed, (inspects a can of mixed nuts) because I don't see any pistachios in this can of mixed nuts. Hey, what in the name of...? (a creature is heard growling) No! Get away from me! (throws a lamp at the creature; it approaches him, he cowers, and the transmission is overtaken with static)

Cavendish: Ehm, sir? Sir?

(The transmission comes back; Mr. Block is being dragged by the creature.)

Mr. Block: Get to the panic room! Evacuate, everyone — !

(The transmission cuts out again.)

Dakota: He must be pranking us. Mr. Block is such a joker.

Mr. Block: (grunts as he throws a grenade) You'll never take me alive! (An explosion; the creature moves to capture Mr. Block as the transmission cuts out again)

Cavendish: Yes, you must be right, it can't be real.

Mr. Block: (struggling against the creature's bonds) This is real! What did you do?! What did you...? (The transmission cuts out again)

Dakota: You know, I still think he's pranking us.

Cavendish: Well, there's no signal coming from the future now, no signal at all! (Hits his temporal transporter)

Dakota: Nah, he's pranking us. Remember that thing with the shaving cream? This is like that.

Cavendish: Well, maybe, but I still think we should get back to 2175 and see what's going on.

Dakota: Well we could, but you broke our transport.

Cavendish: Where are we going to find another time vehicle?

Dakota: Come on. I got an idea. (They run off; Cavendish drops his inter-temporal communicator)

(Milo finishes fixing his bike; hearing chirping, he looks around to find its source. He goes to the inter-temporal communicator and picks it up.)

Milo: Uh-oh. Hey, guys! Y-you dropped this! (rides after Dakota and Cavendish) He-hey!

A cliff-side mansion

(Brick and Savannah are in the ocean beneath the cliff in scuba gear. They surface and fire grappling guns into the rock; as they ascend, "AGENTS: BRICK & SAVANNAH" appears on the screen, and below it "TIME TRAVELERS FIRST CLASS".)

(They reach the underside of an outcropping on top of the rock and doff their scuba gear; they pull out climbing spikes and scale the rock the rest of the way. Reaching the top, they duck behind a hedge to escape the notice of a bodyguard. They get off the cliff wall and duck behind the hedge and push buttons on their wrists to hide their catsuits, revealing formal attire underneath. They go through the hedge to the party.)

Dakota: (Brick and Savannah turn to look at him) Hey, guys! (He and Cavendish walk up to them, Dakota holding a plate full of food) Hey guys, you checked out these hors d'oeuvres? They're fantast... (Brick and Savannah seize them and put them against a wall) Brick, Savannah. (Savannah puts her boot against Dakota's chest) Ooh are those new boots?

Brick: What are you two fools doing here?

Cavendish: We're looking for you, actually.

Security: There they are! You can't just walk in here. (The security personnel take Cavendish and Dakota away.)

Dakota: Hey, watch the hors d'oeuvres!

(Security personnel take away Brick and Savannah too.)

Brick: Whoa, we're not with those two idiots!

(The security personnel throw them out of the gates of the mansion.)

Dakota: Aw, man!

Brick: Do you have any idea how much planning it took us to get in there?

Dakota: Well, that seems like wasted effort. We just waltzed in the front gate.

Brick: Yes, and now, thanks to you, the world will just have to live with the common cold for another few centuries! Good day! (He and Savannah storm off and remove the branches hiding their time limo)

Dakota: So, anyway, the reason we dropped by is we have a favour to ask you.

Brick: What do you want?

Cavendish: Can we borrow your vehicle?

Brick: No!

Dakota: We just want to swing by the future and, you know, make sure it's still there.

Savannah: Wait. What's wrong with the future?

Cavendish: (nervous) Oh, nothing, nothing that we, um... that we know of yet. I'm sure it's fine!

Brick: So, you want to borrow our car?

Dakota: Yes, thank you.

(Brick jangles the keys in front of Dakota, but throws them back at Savannah instead. They hit her in the face.)

Savannah: Ow. What was that?

Brick: You were supposed to catch it without looking. We worked on that.

Savannah: I thought you were just throwing things at me.

Brick: (to Cavendish and Dakota) There is no force on Earth that could make us loan you our car.

Milo: (rides up on his bike) Hey. Guys?

(The ground beneath Brick and Savannah crumbles; they scream as they fall into the ocean below.

Cavendish: (looks down) Oh no.

Dakota: (picks up the keys and jangles them in front of Cavendish) Oh yes! Thanks kid, gotta go. (They enter the time limo)

The Murphy house

(An episode of Doctor Zone is playing on the Murphys' television.)

Doctor Zone: She's breaking up, Time Ape! If this keeps up, we'll fall right out of the time-stream itself! We are literally out of time!

(A knock on the Murphys' door.)

Sara: Come in.

(Zack and Melissa enter; Melissa jumps into a chair.)

Melissa: Are we missing the lost episode?

Sara: Well, technically, now it's a found episode.

Zack: Thank you.

Sara: And no, the lost episode is from 1965. It's in black-and-white.

Zack: Where's Milo?

Sara: I don't know. He's cutting it close.

Zack: I'll call him. (pulls out his phone and calls Milo)

Melissa: Probably Murphy's Law throwing llamas or cosmonauts at him again.

(The television cuts to a black-and-white version of the Doctor Zone opening with "DR. ZONE / LOST PILOT EPISODE" superimposed in orange.)

Murphys' television: One minute until the network premiere of the infamous lost episode, which has now been found.

Zack: (sigh) No answer!

Sara: Well, that doesn't mean anything. Milo goes through three phones a week.

(Sara points to a box full of wrecked, smoking, and destroyed cell phones, to which cut briefly.)

Zack: Hmm. We should go look for him.

Melissa: Yeah, okay, but Sara, can you pause it till we get back?

Sara: What! I've been waiting for this!

Melissa: Milo would not want to miss this.

Sara: Oh, all right.

Zack: We'll be right back.

(Sara pushes a button on the remote control.)

Murphys' television: ♪ Pistachios, the nut that's green, it always makes a great… ♪

Zack and Melissa: (from outside) Sara!

Sara: I'm pausing it, I'm pausing it. (pushes another button)

A grocery store

(Melissa and Zack enter it.)

Melissa: Strange, Milo said he was coming here, but...

Zack: But what?

Melissa: The cans are still stacked, the watermelons are all intact, the sodas haven't exploded — I don't think he's been here.

Zack: Josh, have you seen Milo around?

Josh: I have not. (points to a poster reading "DAYS SINCE MILO", with a large "1" below it)

Where the time limo is parked

(Cavendish and Dakota are in it.)

Cavendish: You do know how to drive this, don't you? (He and Dakota buckle their seat belts.)

Dakota: Of course I do.

(Dakota pushes a button, and the windshield wipers start; Cavendish glares at him. Dakota pushes another button, which flings cheese wedges at Cavendish from the dashboard. Dakota pushes a third button, and "COUNTDOWN / 60" appears on a screen.)

Dakota: There we go.

Cavendish: Hm...

(The window behind them rolls down, and Milo leans into it.)

Milo: Hey, guys.

(Cavendish and Dakota stare and scream.)

Dakota: Kid, this is no place for a, for a kid. You, you gotta get out of here.

Milo: I just wanted to give you back your... (Diogee barks and rolls around on the seats in the back) No, Diogee! You're not supposed to be in the limo. Go on, go home. (to Cavendish and Dakota) Oh, guys, I almost forgot.

(Milo reaches into his backpack just as the limo starts to time-travel; Milo drops his backpack out of the open door, leaving Diogee and the backpack behind. Diogee whimpers, touches the backpack, and leaves. Pan to Brick and Savannah, sopping wet on the ground.)

Brick: They better not reset my radio stations.

Savannah: Oh, they're your radio stations.

Brick: I know. You're in the car too.

The time limo in the course of time-travelling

(Milo is prostrate; he looks at his back to see that he has lost his backpack. He gets up.)

Milo: (gasps, reaches around for it in vain) My backpack! Guys, we gotta go back for my back — (notices the time-stream) — pack. Whoa. Are we time-travelling?

Cavendish: No. We're time-travelling. You shouldn't be here.

Milo: What's with all the clocks?

Dakota: You know, you get a lot of these in the time stream. I... I think it's somebody's idea of a joke.

Milo: So where are we going? Or, should I say, "When?"

Cavendish: This isn't a school field trip, boy. We may have altered the space-time continuum in ways disastrous for all mankind!

Dakota: Or maybe our boss is pulling a prank on us. Ooh, tunes. (reaches for the dashboard and turns a knob) I'm going to make this a preset.

("I Can't Find You" starts.)

Anonymous singer: ♪ I can't find you, where you gone? ♪

Various locations in Danville

(Cut to Melissa entering a comic shop.)

Singer: ♪ Is it some exotic trip you're on? ♪

(Melissa shows a young woman reading a Ducky Momo periodical a picture of Milo; she shakes her head.)

♪ Did you paddle up the Amazon, or are you just laying low? ♪

(Zack explains to a man spinning pizza dough; he shakes his head. Meanwhile, Melissa shows the proprietor of the Bull's China Shop a picture of Milo; he is frightened and backs away to shield his china.)

♪ You're not here, you're not there ♪

♪ I've looked for you almost everywhere ♪

(Melissa backs away slowly.)

♪ I ask around but only get blank stares ♪

(Melissa and Zack stand at an intersection, surveying Danville, Zack with binoculars.)

♪ And no one seems to know ♪

♪ No one seems to know ♪

(Zack shows a picture of Milo to a policeman directing traffic; he shakes his head.)

♪ 'Cause I can't find you; ♪

(Melissa shows a picture of Milo to two boys at an arcade; they shake their heads.)

♪ I can't track you down ♪

(Zack and Melissa, in similar manner, ask other citizens of Danville including Mr. Drako whether they have seen Milo, always receiving negative answers; as the song continues.)

♪ Are you hiding out, or did you just skip town? ♪

(Melissa hears the sound of a collapsing building and is heartened. She goes to look at it, only to find that it is a demolition.)

♪ I've searched this city up and down ♪

♪ It's like I'm always two steps behind you ♪

(Zack and Melissa ride on their bikes. Zoom out to reveal the immensity of Danville.)

♪ And I-I-I-I, I-I-I-I, can't find you! ♪

(End of "I Can't Find You".)

Zack: (leaving the Industrial Safety Supplies store) Any luck?

Melissa: (running up to him) No. Zack, where is Milo?

The time limo

Milo: So, how bad did you guys screw up the future?

Cavendish: (puts up his hands, insulted) Whoa, whoa, whoa! I said we may have altered things slightly.

Dakota: Yeah, we're probably just overreacting. If everything checks out, we'll just grab a future snack and take you home. (a bell dings) And here we are.

The year 2175

(The time limo arrives at 2175 as "THE YEAR 2175" appears on the screen.)

Cavendish: Welcome to 2175.

Milo: (disembarking) Wow, the future looks amazing!

(Milo exits the limo and admires the futuristic cityscape before him. It’s revealed that he’s just looking at a billboard.)

Robot in "Air Ads" electronic billboard: You too could buy a condo in the sky. …To…daaaay…

(The electronic billboard short-circuits and collapses, revealing the smoking ruins of a futuristic city.)

Dakota: Uh-oh...

Milo: Um, well, it's a little weathered, I guess. But, (unsure) it's still nice.

Dakota: This is not how the future is supposed to look.

Cavendish: How could this have happened?

Dakota: Okay, we gotta hightail it over to the Time Bureau and find Mr. Block. Milo, you stay close, kid.

Milo: (salutes) Roger that.

(They run down the stairs, a little way further, and then suddenly stop. They hide behind a ruin and see humanoid plant creatures, two of which tip over a truck.)

Milo: (quietly) So, in the future, are pistachios supposed to look like that?

Cavendish: No, they are not.

Dakota: They are not.

Act II


(Milo, Dakota, and Cavendish are still hiding. There is a roar, and the sound of a man screaming.)

Dakota: They're like mutated pistachio trees.

Cavendish: Dakota, could we have caused this by saving that one plant?

Dakota: I don't think so, but let's get over to the Time Bureau. Come on; I know a back way.

(He, Cavendish, and Milo steal off. They stop by a shop marked "FLOAT CONE".)

Dakota: Oh wait, there's Float Cone. I think we have to make a right.

(They continue. A peach flies through the air and strikes Cavendish in the chest. They stop.)

Cavendish: Ugh! (picks up the peach) A peach! Who the devil would throw a peach? (casts it aside)

Dakota: And who would throw one away? (pockets the peach) Oh no. Quick, take cover! (They duck behind some wrecked vehicles and watch Pistachions march.)

Milo: Wow, if it wasn't for that peach, we would have stepped out there and gotten caught.

Dakota: (gasps; notices Mr. Block with several other prisoners being carried in a giant flower-pot) There's Mr. Block. I guess he wasn't pranking us.

Cavendish: (glares at Dakota) You're just figuring that out?

A stage

(A flourish; Milo, Dakota, and Cavendish turn to look for its source. Zoom out to reveal a wrecked building and a banner with the image of a Pistachion head, being hoisted high on it. Cut to a stage before the building; the flourish is revealed to be played by a robot. King Pistachion walks up.)

King Pistachion: (clears his throat) I —

(The robot continues to play on its trumpet; King Pistachion smacks it away. Its head, still playing, lands near Milo, Cavendish, and Dakota.)

King Pistachion: (addressing the Pistachions) I claim this land for Pistachions! We will now rebuild it in our image! You know, except for South Beach; that place is perfect the way it is.

(The Pistachions cheer.)

Dakota: You know, that guy looks familiar.

Cavendish: That guy? Who have you been hanging around with?

King Pistachion: I'm so proud of all of you! (Walks over to the edge of the stage) Here, Brandy, I want to get a family photo.

(Brandy, a Pistachion, pulls a camera out of a bag and gives it to King Pistachion.)

King Pistachion: Everyone scooch in! Scooch in! That's it! We'll do one real one and one crazy one. (moves to take a group selfie with the Pistachions) All right, everyone say, uh, "Go nuts!"

Pistachions: Go nuts!

(King Pistachion takes a picture.)

King Pistachion: (inspecting the picture) Okay, last one. Everybody say, — Wait a minute! (Zooms in to see Milo, Cavendish, and Dakota) Attack those humans!

Pistachions: Wait a minute! Attack those humans!

King Pistachion: No, I mean really attack those humans!

(The Pistachions snarl and go after Milo, Cavendish, and Dakota.)

Cavendish: Uh, what's the plan now?

Milo: I would recommend running.

Cavendish: Run!

(They run, Dakota playing on the robot's trumpet, pursued by the Pistachions. Cut to King Pistachion still looking at the picture.)

King Pistachion: Oh! I blinked my eyes in that one!


(Melissa is talking on her phone.)

Melissa: Thanks, Dad. (hangs up)

Zack: (exiting a store) Nobody's seen him. What did your dad say?

Melissa: "No big emergencies in town means no Milo." It's all quiet.

Zack: I don't get it. Where is he? Should we be worried?

Melissa: I don't know, yet.

(Diogee approaches them, barking.)

Zack: Diogee!

Melissa: (kneeling to Diogee's level) Diogee, you want us to follow you? (follows Diogee)

(Diogee barks in agreement as he and Melissa run off)

Zack: Wait. How did you get that from "arf"? Seriously, (goes after Melissa and Diogee) how did you get that from "arf"?

Without the mansion

(Brick is scanning the air with a device.)

Brick: I can't get a read on when they went.

Zack: (from off-screen; pan and zoom to show Brick, Savannah, Zack, Diogee, and Melissa in the same shot) Milo's backpack! He never goes anywhere without this. (calling) Milo? Milo!

Melissa: Okay, now I'm worried. (calls Sara on her phone) Sara, we found Milo's backpack.

Sara: Is he attached to it?

Melissa: If he was, we would have given him top billing.

Sara: Oh, he'd never leave that behind. Can you bring it here?

Zack: Be right there! (Diogee barks at Brick and Savannah, who are approaching Milo's backpack) Hey! (snatches the backpack away) What are you doing?

Brick: Ah. Hello... youths; we're with the CPA.

Melissa: (incredulous) Certified public accountants?

(A beat.)

Brick: Sure.

Savannah: We'd like to ask you a few questions.

Melissa: What kind of questions?

Savannah: Is that your backpack? It's not, is it?

(Diogee growls and barks.)

Zack: Um, we were just leaving, (he, Melissa, and Diogee start walking away) now!

Brick: Wait! (goes after them) We need to... see your itemized deductions.

(Savannah follows; cut to Zack and Melissa running.)

Zack: Are they following us?

(Zoom out to show Brick and Savannah about a pace behind them.)

Melissa: Close enough that they can hear you.

(Zack and Melissa go faster and escape them; Diogee stops Brick and Savannah, barking.)


(Zack and Melissa run back into town.)

Zack: Who are those guys?

Melissa: I don't know, and I don't care. We've gotta get back to Sara.

Zack: (espies a manhole) I've got an idea.

(Savannah and Brick enter town behind them.)

Savannah: That boy who got into our limo with Cavendish and Dakota — that was his backpack.

Brick: Solid summary.

Savannah: Thanks for noticing. We get these kids, get whatever they know, get our limo back, and get back to doing what we do best.

Brick: Haha! Everything.

Savannah: You know us so well.

(A slow jam starts.)

Brick: Are you flirting with me?

(They stare into each other's eyes.)

Savannah: In your dreams.

Brick: That's where you live.

(The slow jam slows and stops abruptly.)

Brick: (looking away and adjusting his bowtie) Nope. Doesn't work.

Savannah: No chemistry.

Brick: None.

Savannah: Nope.

Brick: Not even close.

The sewers

(Melissa and Zack are running through the sewers.)

Zack: Milo gave me the two-dollar tour on my first day. I would have been lost without him.

(They stop.)

Melissa: I know what you mean. Why'd you stop?

Zack: I told you I'd be lost without him. And I'm without him, so I'm lost, right now, in this sewer.

(Brick and Savannah drop down into the sewer. Savannah aims a gun at them, and they back away.)

Melissa: Okay, now we're found.

(They jump over a channel; Savannah with her gun fires nets over two exits, closing them off. Savannah leaps to land in front of Melissa and stop her from escaping, and Brick does the same with Zack. They close in on them.)

Savannah: Let's start with who your friend is and who you are. Actually, just hold still. I interrogate better when the other person is tied up.

(Savannah fires a net at them, but they fall through a vent, so she misses. She and Brick look down the opening.)

Scott: Ah! (Secures the vent)

Zack: Hey, it's that weird guy!

Melissa: The undergrounder!

Scott: (makes an indistinct sound of assent) Run this way! (runs to screen right in a silly way)

(Zack runs in Scott's way; Melissa follows, running normally.)

Melissa: He just meant to follow him.

Zack: I knew that.

(Brick cuts the vent out with a laser and clambers down it, Savannah following. They run in pursuit.)

(Melissa, Zack, and Scott slide down a pile of rubble.)

Melissa: Scott! Can you get us out of here?

Scott: Yes! I can be our leader! Follow me! As soon as we stop sliding.

(They come to a stop at Subterranus; they get up and continue running. Zack looks back to see Brick and Savannah sliding down.)

Zack: They're right behind us!

Scott: Don't worry; we're in my backyard now! (in a natural voice) I mean, literally, that's my house. (in his usual voice) And now we're in my front yard! This is where I keep my bread. But seriously, don't worry because I've got booby traps all over the place!

(They run through one of the undergrounder buildings and hide behind a stalagmite; Scott pulls a string, causing the building to crumble as Brick and Savannah are in it. They deploy gadgets that enclose them in a protective metal sphere as the building disintegrates. Scott, Melissa, and Zack continue running, and Brick and Savannah burst out of the rubble.)

(Melissa, Zack, and Scott encounter a large tire supported on a crate. They swing on it over a chasm to beyond a structure with the appearance of a trapdoor. The structure is labelled with a sign in crude handwriting: "TOTALLY NOT!!! A TRAP DOOR". Brick and Savannah are across it from them.)

Scott: (hoarsely) La, la, la-lah lah!

(Brick and Savannah glance at each other, draw their grappling guns, and fire into the ceiling of the cave.)

Brick: Haha!

(The sign squashes them.)

Brick: Ow.

(The floor where they were squashed tips to roll them off it into the trapdoor. They are deposited in a deep pit with many holes and crevices near the bottom of it.)

Scott: Come to me, my chickens!

(Many rats emerge from the holes and crevices. Brick and Savannah get up.)

Savannah: Those aren't chickens!

Brick: And that's not a rooster!

(Brick and Savannah scream and embrace each other as a wolf emerges from a hole.)

An exit from the sewers

(Cut to Scott showing them a ladder to the outside.)

Zack: Thanks, Scott. (Zack and Melissa climb.) We've got to get to Sara.

Scott: Shall I go with you? I should stay here. I'll stay here. If you need me, you know where I'll be: in the sewer. (picks up a milk carton with a face) Come on, Mildred. Don't give me that look, Mildred! I can't introduce you to every person that comes down here.


(Milo, Cavendish, and Dakota are running from the Pistachions, who buffalo a vehicle in their way.)

Dakota: Wait, in here.

(Milo, Cavendish, and Dakota duck into a building marked with pictures of several foodstuffs. Dakota pushes a button to close the door. Milo looks out a window to see the Pistachions passing.)

Cavendish: That gave them the slip.

(They sit down on a seat; Cavendish takes off his hat and wipes sweat from his brow.)

Dakota: Alright; let me catch my breath.

(A holographic menu appears above their heads.)

Milo: Huh?

(A robotic arm takes a hovering table down from above and sets it in front of them.)

Dakota: Well, whaddaya know? (Blows on it to clear the dust that has accumulated on it; presses a button on it) One taffy milkshake.

Cavendish: Really? Now?

Dakota: Just seeing if it works. (A little robotic arm appears out of the table and sets a milkshake glass down in front of him; An orb of taffy milkshake floats out after it and falls in.) Besides, I eat when I'm nervous, and Float Cone wasn't open. (Drinks the milkshake) You want one?

Cavendish: No, what I want is some sort of weapon we can use against these plants, like, I don't know, a hedge trimmer?

Milo: I have one, three actually! (Reaches for his backpack) Hah! Well, I had three, in my backpack. Before I lost it.

Dakota: You had three hedge trimmers in your backpack? Man, you must really like to garden.

Milo: Well, I just try to be prepared, you know, Murphy's law!

(A Pistachion beats his head against the window and shatters it. Cavendish and Milo run away; the Pistachion reaches after them.)

Dakota: Hey, chew on this!

(Dakota flings his milkshake at the Pistachion; it sticks to the Pistachion's mouth.)

Pistachion: Ugh. Taffy.

Milo: Come on!

(They run out, Dakota throwing his milkshake glass away. They get to a balcony.)

Dakota: Hurry! Up here!

(They stop running just short of the edge.)

All: Whoa!

(They look below and see many Pistachions going back and forth.)

Cavendish: Sh! Don't call attention to ourselves.

(A holographic sign reading "SHOPPING PLAZA" appears above them.)

Electronic voice: Welcome to the Shopping Plaza.

(All the Pistachions look toward it. They shriek and prepare to attack.)

Dakota: I think we've called attention to ourselves.

The Murphy house

(Zack, Diogee, and Melissa enter. Sara is sitting on the couch watching television.)

Melissa: Aah! Are you watching the episode?

Sara: (stands) I'll rewind it! Where were you guys? (Melissa closes the door) What took so long?

Zack: Two certified public accountants were chasing us!

Melissa: And a guy who lives under the city and eats rats saved our lives.

Sara: What about Milo?

Melissa: I think something is really wrong. (Holds out Milo's backpack)

Sara: Oh boy. (Takes the backpack) This is not good.

Melissa: Sara, what do we do?

Sara: Diogee! (Stoops to his level) We need to find Milo! Here, boy! (Gives it to him to sniff)

Zack: Is that really gonna work?

Sara: Duh! Diogee is the greatest dog in the world! It's on his food bowl and everything!

Melissa: It is? (She and Zack look to a dog bowl with Chinese characters on it)

Sara: I didn't know it was in Chinese when I ordered it. Okay. Let's just think this through. Milo's abilities aren't limited to the backpack. He's quick, and he's resourceful. I'm sure his — (Diogee barks at the television) Diogee? (Sara stoops to pet him) Wow. Diogee, what is — ah! (Diogee barks further) Bark! Bark bark bark!

Melissa: Why are you making barking sounds?

Zack: He's a dog.

Melissa: I meant Sara.

Sara: (points at the television) I think Diogee found Milo.

(On the television, Milo stands in a scene with Doctor Zone and Time Ape.)

Milo in the television: (flatly) But whatever will we do, Doctor?

Zack: Milo? Wait a minute, where is he?


(The Pistachions are menacing Milo, Cavendish, and Dakota. Some have gotten up to the balcony. Milo, Cavendish, and Dakota are backed onto a platform with glass walls.)

Cavendish: We're all going to die!

Milo: Uh, what's this do? (pushes a button on a control column)

Electronic voice: Hoverator occupied.

(The Pistachions are blocked by a light wall. The platform hovers away from the balcony, and a record-scratching robot emerges from the control column. A Pistachion is boosted over the light wall, and he hangs from the platform, inclining it. The Pistachions below cheer. Cavendish, Milo, and Dakota try to climb away from the Pistachion.)

Milo: Hey, grab my hands.

(Cavendish and Dakota do.)

Disco robot: Shopping twenty four hours a day
Getcha’ getcha’ bargins…

(The Pistachion grabs at them, and in so doing, knocks over the robot, who is irritated. It gets up, jumps on the Pistachion, and breaks its turntable over its head.)

Pistachion: Ow. Ow. Ow!

(The Pistachion falls, but not before tearing out the control column.)

Electronic voice: Destination selected.

(The platform starts to descend into the crowd of Pistachions.)

Cavendish: Quickly, turn it off!

(Dakota kneels.)

Dakota: Can't; this thing's toast.

Milo: Let me see; um — (connects the pairs of wires as he names them) red wire, green wire, blue!

(The platform rockets off, and the Pistachions shriek. They pursue it.)

Cavendish: Whew! Well done, chap!

Dakota: (ruffles Milo's hair) I really like this kid.

Cavendish: Look, the time limo! Milo, land this thing over there.

Milo: O-kay, if by "land" you mean "bail out before we crash", (climbs out of the platform) you got it.

Cavendish: Well, I —

(He and Dakota climb out too.)

Milo: Get ready, and — now!

(They jump out. The platform impacts the building, and a large piece of wall falls on the time limo. They look back to see the Pistachions still chasing them.)

Dakota: Oh great. Here comes the nutjobbers again. Let's get outta here!

(They run to the limo.)

Milo: (pushing against the rock) We'll never get it moving!

Dakota: (they get in) We don't have to.

Cavendish: Just get in.

(They shut the limo doors, and the Pistachions reach the limo and start striking it. Cavendish tries in vain to start it.)

Dakota: You're flooding it.

Cavendish: I'm not flooding it.

Milo: So what's the next stop?

(The limo starts.)

Cavendish: To get some answers. I have an idea.

(The limo time-travels, and the rock falls to earth. One Pistachion is trapped under it.)

Pistachion: Aw, I really thought we had 'em! (Another time machine lands on top of the building.) Oh, cool, it’s dad’s time machine!

(Its window opens to reveal that King Pistachion is its pilot.)

King Pistachion: Pile in, boys. (A hatch on the back opens) Time to take this show on the road.

Another Pistachion: I call shotgun!

(They scramble in.)

King Pistachion: Now, let's find those humans — and destroy them!

(The window closes; the Pistachions time-travel. Pan to the Pistachion trapped under the rock.)

Pistachion: (voice muffled) Guys! A little help here? Guys? Did we get 'em? Hellooo?

The Murphy house

(Sara, Melissa, Zack, and Diogee are watching the television, astonished.)

Zack: Am I seeing what I'm seeing?

(Milo in the television continues to talk to Dr. Zone.)

Milo: We are trapped here, in this moment of time. And we don’t have our machine anymore to get out.

Sara: This is the lost episode! The original pilot! "The Seed Beasts"! This was shot in 1965!

Melissa: Milo was — is — on a show that was shot over fifty years ago?

(Diogee howls.)

Zack: I'm with Diogee. What is going on?

Melissa: You got all that from "Aroooo"?

Doctor Zone: Only time will tell. (Stylized words appear on the television as Doctor Zone says them) Time for action! Time for danger! Time! to be continued.


The year 2175, ten minutes earlier

(The superimposed text explains the scene. Pan to the ruin of a building; inside, the limo returns from time-travel and crashes.)

Cavendish: Oh!

Dakota: Yeah, that oughta do it.

Milo: (emerges from the limo) How far in time did we just travel?

Dakota: (as he kicks the door open and exits) Uh, ten minutes back and one block over.

Cavendish: (consults his pocket-watch) That should buy us enough time to figure out how all of this happened and how we can stop it.

Dakota: And maybe get something to eat. (Cavendish glares at him) What? (They cross the balcony) We gotta keep up our strength, we might have to fight giant — (they stop) Oh no! (Cut to earlier Milo, Cavendish, and Dakota walking) Oh no, we have to warn ourselves! (Pan to a host of Pistachions marching around the corner from them)

Cavendish: (ducks down) What are we going to do?

Dakota: (pulls out the peach from earlier and hands it to Cavendish) Wait, here. Use this peach.

Cavendish: Good idea. (Takes it and throws it at his earlier self) Nyuh!

(The peach strikes earlier Cavendish in the chest.)

Earlier Cavendish: Ugh! (picks up the peach) A peach! Who the devil would throw a peach? (casts it aside)

Earlier Dakota: And who would throw one away? (takes the peach) Oh no! Quick, take cover! (They duck behind some wrecked vehicles)

Cavendish: Wait a moment. Where did you get that peach?

Dakota: Someone threw it at you earlier.

Cavendish: But that someone was me.

Dakota: I know.

Cavendish: But where did I get it?

Dakota: From me.

Cavendish: Yes, but where did you get it?

Dakota: Someone threw it at you earlier.

Cavendish: (looks out) But that someone was me!

Dakota: I know!

Cavendish: But where did I get it?

Dakota: From me!

Cavendish: Yes, but where did you get it?

Dakota: Someone threw it at you earlier!

Cavendish: (looks out) BUT THAT SOME —

Melissa's house

Sara: Melissa, why did you bring us to your house?

(Sara, Melissa, and Zack are in the basement; Melissa is unlocking a sturdy door labelled "KEEP OUT".)

Melissa: If there's a clue about Milo's whereabouts, it'll be in here.

(Melissa opens the door.)

Sara: Ooh!

(Zack gasps. The room is strung up in hundreds of pictures of Milo. There are bulletin boards on all visible walls with many more pictures on them, all connected with red yarn. There are tables, boxes, and filing cabinets full of papers.)

Sara and Zack: Whoa!

(Cut to several of the Milo pictures.)

Zack: (agitated) Whoa! Do you do this for all of your friends? Where's mine?

Melissa: (chuckles) Oh, Zack.

Sara: (inspects a Milo picture) Melissa, why would you collect all of this stuff?

Zack: (picks up a bag containing toothbrushes, labelled "TOOTHBRUSHES / 2012-2014") Yeah, some of this stuff is weirdly specific.

Melissa: I started collecting this, thinking maybe I could figure it out, you know? Find a cure for Murphy's law. But then I realized Milo wouldn't want that. But, for some reason, I kept collecting info, so at least, maybe, I could rein it in or explain it, or monetize it.

Zack: (looking at a tooth tied to a string, hanging on the wall) Uh, whose tooth is this?

Melissa: (looking at pictures) Here's the time we had to put all those robots in a shark cage. Oh! And the time we had to go to that lumber yard to apologize.

Sara: Wait a minute. (goes to Melissa carrying a picture) Who are these guys?

(Cut to the picture; it shows Milo eating a disintegrating sandwich while Cavendish and Dakota look in a window.)

Melissa: They look familiar.

Zack: Oh, those guys? I saw them up here too.

(Cut to another picture, showing Milo proudly holding a chicken while Cavendish and Dakota run from a raging bull in the background.)

Zack: Right here, and here — (pan to a picture of a bandaged Milo; Cavendish is standing on a rake and Dakota is laughing at him)

Melissa: Don't they sell pistachios, or something?

Sara: Weird! They're dressed like Doctor Zone and Time Ape in every picture!

Zack: What does that mean?

Sara: It can't be a coincidence! Milo in the episode, these two in all these pictures — there's a Doctor Zone connection!

Zack: (murmurs) With her there's always a Doctor Zone connection.

Melissa: (murmurs) I know, right?

A library in 2175

(Milo, Dakota, and Cavendish stand around a holographic computer console.)

Cavendish: The library's holographic data array should provide some information about this plant uprising. (uses the terminal) World domination, world domination by llamas, world domination by orangutans… (continues looking)

Dakota: (to Milo) So how does this Murphy's law thing work, anyway? What makes it happen?

Milo: I don't know, really. I'm just caught in its crosswind. How about time travel? How does that work?

Dakota: No idea. We literally just push a button. Some guy named Professor Time invented it years ago, or, like, for you, years from now, I guess.

Milo: Wait: the guy who invented time travel was named Professor Time?

Dakota: Yeah, so? (realizes the coincidence) Oh hey, that's a coincidence! Heh-heh, what are the odds?

Milo: Yeah, he probably had it changed for branding purposes.

Cavendish: Ooh! I found something! (Dakota and Milo go over to the terminal; Cavendish pushes some holographic buttons) Look at this!

(A great holographic head appears above the terminal; Cavendish steps back. It has a lisp.)

Holographic head: Hello, and welcome to the holo-kiosk! Push any —

Cavendish: Sh! Keep your voice down, for goodness' sake! Give us the abridged version of the pistachio plants' conquest of the world. But quietly!

Holographic head: Okay, sheesh! (Disappears; the terminal shows visual aids as the holographic head speaks.) It all started with a small pistachio plant in a middle school courtyard.

Milo: Hey, that's my school!

Holographic head: As the plant grew, it gained intelligence and sentience and eventually uprooted itself and became King Pistachion!

Dakota: Hey, that's the guy we saw out there.

Milo: And he started in the courtyard of my middle school! What are the odds? (Dakota and Cavendish look askance at him) You're right. Even money.

Holographic head: The King Pistachion ultimately took over the Capitol building and Time Travel Bureau. They immediately rounded up all the clocks.

Milo: Why would they do a thing like that?

Dakota: It makes no sense.

(They are seized by some Pistachions.)

Pistachion: Gotcha! We were being deliberately obtuse about the clock thing, but hey! This must be Cavendish and Dakota! But who's this?

Milo: Milo Murphy?

Pistachion: Well, now that we have you and your time vehicle, no one will be able to go back in time and alter the King's existence.

Dakota: Oh yeah? Well, there's one thing you haven't accounted for.

Pistachion: I don't think so. We've got the time-travellers, we got the time vehicle, (as the Pistachion continues talking, a rat on a bookcase on a level above them jumps from a globe to a pile of books and a microscope, knocking everything over) we've even got some random middle school kid! What could I possibly be miss — oh!

(The Pistachion is struck on the head by the falling objects.)

Pistachion: Ow! What in the world was that? Ooh! (The bookcase crushes him; Dakota leaps up on it)

Dakota: Murphy's law, nutjobber!

(Dakota, Cavendish, and Milo run for the exit.)

Dakota: Come on; let's go! The time limo's just outside.

(The Pistachion throws the bookcase past them at a buttress; it collapses in front of them, blocking most of the exit, so that they have to stop. He throws another bookcase to seal the rest of the exit.)

Pistachion: Ha!

Dakota: (picks up a bag of clocks) Okay, that does it. Milo, get behind me; I'm gonna clock this guy. Geddit? 'Cause it's a bag of clocks?

Cavendish: I get it!

(The bookcase slides out, leaving an opening.)

Milo: Go go go go go!

(They climb out the exit, the Pistachions pursuing them. Because of their bulk, the Pistachions cannot fit through the exit; one swipes in vain at them.)

Dakota: Alright, get in!

(They time-travel.)

Pistachion: Did you get him?

Other Pistachion: Oh yeah, yeah. (shows the first Pistachion his empty hand) They're right here in my hand.

Pistachion: There's nothing in your hand.

Other Pistachion: Look closer. (the first Pistachion looks closer; he smacks him)

Pistachion: Ow!

Orton Mahlson's property in the present

(Zack, Melissa, and Sara are approaching the house.)

Zack: So, is this another house with a weird shrine to Milo?

Sara: It's the home of Orton Mahlson, creator of The Doctor Zone Files. He actually retired here a few months ago and became a bit of a recluse. (knocks at the door) Maybe he can tell us how Milo was in that 1965 pilot episode. (Diogee approaches and barks) Diogee Ex Machina Murphy! You get home this instant! (Diogee sits)

Zack: That's weird. He always goes home when you — wait, his middle name is "Ex Machina"?

Melissa: Never mind that! (to Sara) The creator of your favourite show of all time lives across town from you? And this is the first time you've ever been here?

Sara: Yeah. Today. I usually just stare from behind that tree.

Orton: (within) Oh, please go away! I don't give autographs, and I don't take shelfies, or whatever it is you kids call them.

Sara: No, Mr. Mahlson, we aren't here for that! Of course, if you're offering, I — (looks to see Melissa glaring at her) Oh no no! This is an emergency!

Orton: Oh, all right. (opens the door)

(Zack's, Melissa's eyes widen.)

Zack: Whoa! You look like a really old Doctor Zone.

Orton: Yeah. That was totally worth opening the door for; thanks, kid.

Zack: Sorry. I mean — I didn't know you were the show's creator and the star.

Melissa: Sara, you knew this?

Sara: Of course! Who doesn't know that?

Sara and Orton: Newbies!

The time-stream

Dakota: Well, we escaped. And we got a free bag of clocks!

Cavendish: Yes, but if they have their own time machine (a device chirps) and they leave soon enough, they could follow our ion trail!

Dakota: (looks at the device) And you had to jinx us. They just jumped into the time-stream.

Milo: If I only had my backpack. I have a ton of stuff that we could use to take care of those guys.

Dakota: Yeah, you said you had three hedge trimmers, right?

Milo: Among other things.

Dakota: Why would you have three hedge trimmers in your backpack?

Milo: In case two of 'em break! I try to pack for any eventuality.

Cavendish: What we need to do is put some physical distance between us and them before we make our next jump.

Dakota: We gotta find a time period where we can lose 'em.

Cavendish: Some place chaotic, like a parade or a great battle! We need to find some place where we know what's going to happen and they don't. That way, we can navigate it and get back out!

Milo: Wait. I know just the time. And the place.


(The limo exits the time-stream, and the Pistachions' time machine follows.)

King Pistachion: We've got them now!

Milo: Great! They followed us! (to the Pistachions) Over here, you overgrown light snacks! (to Cavendish) Okay, turn left up here by the football stadium!

Cavendish: How does this help us?

Milo: Because I've been here before, and I know where — left!

(They cry out, and Cavendish swerves left.)

Milo: Right up here!

(Cavendish stops, and the Pistachions stop behind them. Milo emerges through the top of the limo.)

Milo: Hey, Pistachions! (swaying back and forth, taunting them) You can't get us; you're too busy doing photosynthesis!

King Pistachion: Go! (the Pistachions scramble out) Get him! Now!

(The Pistachions charge at them, but are carried off by stampeding llamas as "Llama, Llama" plays.)

Singer: Llama, Lama,

Dakota: Okay, what was that?

Singer: Llama!

Milo: The llama incident. Let's go!

Singer: Llama, Lama,

(They time-travel, while the Pistachions, bruised and battered, get back into their time machine.)

Pistachion: Dad, we lost them.

King Pistachion: Never mind that; I know exactly where they're going, and we're going to get there before them.

(The window closes, and immediately opens again. There is a llama in the vehicle.)

King Pistachion: Get — out.

(The llama roars at him.)

Orton Mahlson's property

(Melissa, Zack, Sara, and Orton are in his greenhouse; Orton is maintaining his plants.)

Sara: And then we found these two weird guys in a bunch of our friend's pictures! Show him, Melissa!

(Melissa produces some photographs.)

Melissa: Here. (gives them to Orton)

Orton: (looks through them) Let's see now. Oh! Cavendish and Dakota! Yes! Yes, very strange pistachio-obsessed fellas! (looking at a picture of Cavendish and Dakota, and another of Doctor Zone and Time Ape, side by side) It was them that gave me the inspiration for Doctor Zone and Time Ape.

Melissa: (hands Orton another picture) And what about our friend Milo?

Orton: Oh yes, of course! They had their young ward with them. Oh, and now that I think about it, he left me something. (goes to a drawer and takes out a letter) He said that in fifty years, someone might ask about him, (blows dust off it) and I was to give them this letter. (hands it to Zack)

Zack: All the hairs on the back of my neck just stood up. And I shave my neck every day.

Melissa: This letter could be — wait, you shave your neck every day?

Sara: (snatches the letter from Zack) It's from Milo. Dated fifty years ago!

Zack: What does it say?

Melissa: (reading) "Meet me at school with my backpack at three p.m. on —" Wait, that's today's date!

Zack: And less than fifteen minutes from now! (he and Melissa run off)

Orton: (holding Milo's backpack) Oh, don't forget this.

Sara: (takes it) Thanks! I am not worthy! (runs off)

(They get into Sara's car and drive away. Orton looks out his window at them.)

Orton: Oh, I hope I haven't told them too much. Or too little. Oh, I don't know. (pulls out his phone) Shelfie! (takes a selfie) Oh, I'm posting that.

Act IV

The limo in the time-stream

(Milo is looking out the window.)

Milo: I think we lost them.

(Cut to outside the limo.)

Milo: Wait, there's something weird with the time-stream. Where are all the clocks?

Dakota: This must be before the clocks got put in the — (to Cavendish) Wait, why are you pushing buttons?

Cavendish: I can't seem to set our destination time. There must be something wrong with the temporal collector. Young man, would you take a look at the antenna on the back of the car?

Milo: Oh. Sure. (rolls down his window and climbs out onto the limo) Let's see... (sees the loose antenna) Uh-huh. Oh yeah, it looks like it's bent. And the gas cap is missing and the — (is seized by a Pistachion) Oh! There's a Pistachion on the roof!

Dakota: (grabs the bag of clocks) Hang on, kid. I gotcha. (rolls down his window and strikes the Pistachion with the bag; it bursts, scattering all its clocks throughout the time-stream) Hey, look at that! It was me! Apparently, it was me. I'm the joker that put all the clocks in the time-stream. I'm a riot.

(Milo is reaching, attempting to fix the antenna. He does.)

Milo: Alright, we should be good!

Electronic voice: Approaching time period.

Cavendish: Ah! It's fixed!

Dakota: (takes a clock) It was me. I was the joker.

Cavendish: Shocking.

Jefferson County Middle School

(Sara, Zack, and Melissa exit the car and run for the courtyard. Elliot emerges from behind Cavendish and Dakota's wrecked time vehicle with his stop sign raised.)

Elliot: Well, well, —

Melissa: We gotta go! (They run right past him)

Zack: No time for that.

Sara: Time travel emergency!

Elliot: Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute! (runs after them) You gotta stop when I put that sign up, or all society — (a time-travel vortex opens in front of them) what the heck is that thing?

Sara: A portal in the fabric of time and space! Probably.

Elliot: Yeah, okay. (runs off) That's outside my jurisdiction!

(The time-travel finishes with smoke.)

Melissa: Milo?

(The smoke clears to reveal King Pistachion and some of his fellows.)

King Pistachion: Hahahahaha, you —

Jerry: You wish it was Milo!

King Pistachion: Jerry, we talked about this! I was gonna do the zinger!

Jerry: Sorry, Dad.

King Pistachion: Okay. (laughs evilly) You wish — (to Jerry) Yup, see? Moment's gone. You ruined it.

Sara: (afraid) Who are you?

Zack: What are you?

King Pistachion: I am King Pistachion, and we're here to destroy you and your time-travelling friends. Well, not me per se. These guys will destroy you. Say hello, boys.

Pistachions: Hello. Howdy!

King Pistachion: Don't let their congenial manner fool you; they're a lot tougher than they look. This one ate a congressman. And this one destroyed a city before he could walk. Here, loo-, I have pictures, look. (shows a picture of a Pistachion terrorizing a human) Destruction, (shows a picture of a Pistachion flushing a roll of toilet paper) destruction, (shows a picture of a Pistachion defeating another at boxing), destruction, (shows a picture of Pistachions hoisting things above their heads) general mayhem, (shows a picture of a Pistachion's birthday party) he— Aw, look! That's from Jerry's surprise party! Remember that, Jerry? We all got those — (continues talking)

Melissa: (as Zack rifles through Milo's backpack) Anything in there we can use?

Zack: I'm looking. I'm looking. Why does he have a salt block in here?

Melissa: I don't know!

King Pistachion: — skate off at the civic centre, — (notices the pistachio plant) Ooh! Is that me? (goes and kneels to look at it) Look at me! Just a seedling, really, with my whole life in front of me.

Pistachion: Dad, they're looking for weapons!

King Pistachion: Mulch them.

(The Pistachions approach Zack, Melissa, and Sara. Zack continues to rifle through the backpack.)

Melissa: Zack?

Zack: (pulls out three hedge trimmers) Yes! Three pairs of hedge trimmers! (passes them out)

Sara: (goes at one with her hedge trimmer) Back, you plant monsters, or I'll trim your — (her hedge trimmer falls apart) Okay, the middle fell out.

(Show Zack's and Melissa's are broken too.)

Zack: So what are the odds of all three breaking at once?

Melissa: You guys! This must mean that —

(The time limo exits the time-stream and knocks over several Pistachions.)

Melissa: Milo's close.

Milo: Wait. How did they get here before us?

Melissa: Milo!

Milo: Melissa! Zack! My backpack! (Melissa, Zack, and Sara run to him) Sara!

Sara: Wait, I'm after "backpack"?

Melissa: Here you go! (throws the backpack at Milo) Catch! (a Pistachion bats it away; it wraps around the Gecko flag)

Milo: Everybody get in.

(Sara, Melissa, and Zack get in; a Pistachion fires branches at them.)

The limo

Milo: We gotta get my backpack!

(Pistachions attack the time limo.)

Dakota: We're gonna have to circle back, kid! (to Cavendish) Punch it!

Cavendish: (trying to start the limo) I am trying!

Zack: (looking out the window) I've always wanted to ride in a limo, (a Pistachion menaces him) but these were not the circumstances I was imagining.

(Cavendish is still trying to start the engine.)

Dakota: You're flooding it again!

Cavendish: I'm not flooding it.

(The car starts; Cavendish hits the gas, swerves around, and the Pistachions that were attacking the limo fall over.)

Cavendish: Hold on!

(Milo, Melissa, Sara, and Zack slide around.)

Milo: Are you guys okay?

Sara: Yeah, but where have you been?

(A Pistachion menaces them; they scream.)

Sara: Why are there plant monsters after us?

Melissa: And more importantly, why are there plant monsters?!

Dakota: Well, that's a long story — Look out!

(They crash through a vending machine.)

Dakota: (reaches out for some snacks from the vending machine) Score!

Cavendish: Roll that window back up!

Milo: (sits up) Oh! Heh. Where are my manners? This is Cavendish and Dakota!

Cavendish: (doffing his hat) Greetings.

Dakota: (eating chips) Hola. (presses a button, and the window nearest the kids rolls down) Oops, wrong button.

(A Pistachion grabs Zack; they scream.)

Milo: (as he pulls Zack against the Pistachion's grasp) These guys are actual time-travellers from the future.

(The Pistachion falls off the car.)

Milo: You see that giant tree that's about to ram us? (King Pistachion rams the limo, sending it careening) That's King Pistachion, from the future. (points to the pistachio plant) And that's him our time, right over there.

Sara: Aw, it's cute!

Milo: It's dangerous.

Zack: You sure? Because that's the only plant not trying to kill us.

Milo: Oh yeah. In the future, he grows a huge army of these guys and they basically take over the world!

Zack: So in order to destroy that big plant monster, we have to destroy the little one?

Milo: Exactly!

(A Pistachion rams the windshield; Cavendish yelps)

Milo: Just run it over!

(Cavendish turns round to speed toward the pistachio plant. King Pistachion puts his hands in the ground and sends roots toward the limo that make a ramp that direct it off course. The passengers scream. It flies toward the school.)

Melissa: The science room!

Milo: Oh! Watch out for the turtle!

Within the school

(The limo smashes through the window of the science room, knocking things over. It blasts through a wall and drives down the corridor. It smashes through another wall and drives through the girls' bathroom.)

Milo: Oh! (covers his eyes) We're in the girls' bathroom.

(They burst through another wall.)

Cavendish: How do I get out of here?

Milo: Turn at the library! (Cavendish turns right.) No, no, the other way!

Cavendish: Alright, backing up.

(Cavendish backs up and drives out an exit.)

The courtyard

Sara: There's the plant!

Dakota: Run it over!

Cavendish: That's what I'm trying to do.

(King Pistachion steps in front of it and roots himself there. The limo crashes against him. All its passengers yelp.)

Pistachion: (at the exit of the school) Woo-hoo, Dad's got 'em!

Pistachions: Yeah, Dad! (They rush out)

(King Pistachion picks up the rear end of the limo.)

King Pistachion: Grab hold, boys!

(They do; they tear it asunder. Milo, Zack, Melissa, and Sara fall out. The Pistachions holding the front end try to shake Dakota and Cavendish out of it.)

Pistachion: Come on, get out of there! (Dakota and Cavendish fall out.)

King Pistachion: (casts the rear end aside) Now no one can go back to stop us! (towers menacingly over the humans)

Act V

The courtyard

Pistachion: (driving around in the front half of the time limo) Hey, guys! Look at me! I'm riding in a limo! (crashes into a picnic table)

Pistachion: (go after the front end) Oh, I want a turn!

King Pistachion: (steps forward) Boys, leave that thing alone. (The humans sneak away and hide behind the rear half) You don't know where it's been.

Dakota: Check the trunk.

(Cavendish opens the trunk to see dozens of garments.)

Cavendish: It's just Brick and Savannah's disguises. (takes them out) Wait, what's this?

Dakota: They get a rocket engine?

Cavendish: Infuriating! Maybe we can use this! (flips a switch) One, (flips another switch) two. (to the kids) Uh, you might want to step out of the way. (they do)

Milo: (looks at the flag) My backpack! (lowers the flag to retrieve his backpack)

Cavendish: (flips another switch) Three!

(The rear half of the limo rockets off and strikes King Pistachion. By dint of the impact, it turns around and knocks over the flagpole, which flings Milo's backpack into a tree. King Pistachion kicks the rear half away from him, and it grazes the tree and rockets into the wall. The tree starts to fall.)

Pistachions: (move out of the way) Timber! Come on!

(The tree falls against the school and flings Milo's backpack high; Milo goes after it. He runs up the trunk of the felled tree and puts his backpack on as it falls.)

Milo: Ah! Oh yeah! That feels better.

(The tree slips, breaks in half, and falls.)

Melissa: Milo!

Milo: Oh!

(He is covered by a bough of the tree; he moves it aside. A sprinkler sprays water. The Pistachions try to dig him out.)

Melissa: Where is he?

Milo: Yoohoo! I'm over here! (waves at the Pistachions and ducks)

(Milo is wearing safety goggles; he holds a salt block in tongs and heats it up with a blowtorch.)

Zack: Why is he heating up a salt block?

Melissa: Remember chemistry class? Boom.

(Cut back to Milo; an upturned umbrella is filled with water, and he is still heating up the salt block. He sets it on the handle of the umbrella and runs. A Pistachion pushes over a branch, which knocks the salt block off. It falls into the water and explodes, throwing them against the wall.)

Dakota: Yeah, take that, nutjobbers.

(The Pistachions rant and rage as Milo runs to his friends. He pulls out a catapult and sets it up.)

Milo: Okay, I need you guys to operate the catapult.

Dakota: Oh man, you got everything in here except a kitchen —

Milo: Sink! (sets a sink down next to Cavendish and Dakota, who have moved over to the catapult)

Dakota: Wait, that was in your backpack?

Milo: No! I found it over there. I think it came from the (covers his mouth in embarrassment) girls' bathroom. (goes away)

(Cut to Cavendish, Dakota, and the catapult. A bowling ball has been put in its bowl.)

Cavendish: Release the hounds of war! (catapults the bowling ball at a Pistachion; it strikes and incapacitates him)

(Milo, Melissa, Zack, and Sara duck behind the school marquee.)

Milo: If you guys can keep 'em busy, I'll go after the little plant. (takes items out of his backpack as he names them) Piano winch and cable snares. (hands them to Zack)

Zack: Got it! (goes off)

Milo: Triple-extra-large straitjacket. (gives it to Sara)

Sara: Got it! (goes off)

Milo: Sorry, I'm running low. Wind chimes and a self-inflating air mattress. (hands them to Melissa)

Melissa: Okay...

Milo: (dons a helmet from his backpack) Be creative. Just try to keep them off of me. (goes off)

(Two Pistachions are standing over a pit; a bowling ball strikes them, and they shriek as they fall in.)

Dakota: (holding a bowling score card) Ha! A spare! Could you help me add this up?

Cavendish: (dragging the sink) Just give me a hand!

(Melissa runs; two Pistachions roar at her, but are caught in Zack's snare.)

Zack: Yes!

(Milo picks up a baseball and throws it at the wall to distract King Pistachion, who is guarding his seedling self. Milo goes toward the pistachio plant, but is caught by a vine cast by Jerry the Pistachion.)

Jerry: Woohoo! Dad, I got one! (Sara puts the straitjacket on him) Hey! (Sara kicks him away)

Sara: Keep going, Milo! (is chased off-screen by a Pistachion)

(Milo tries in vain to untie his legs from the vine. Therefore, he crawls toward the pistachio plant.)

(The Pistachion chasing Sara bumps against the wind chimes, and he is distracted from his pursuit. He snaps the wind chimes off the branch from which they were hung. Melissa inflates the air mattress, sending him flying off toward the marquee.)

Jerry: Look out! (His head crashes through the marquee, dislodging all the letters.) Aw.

(Milo army-crawls toward the little pistachio plant, but crushes a pair of sunglasses. King Pistachion hears this and stops him. He reaches for Milo, but the sink hits him and shatters.)

Dakota: (high-fiving Cavendish) Bull's-eye!

(King Pistachion crushes the catapult. Cavendish and Dakota spring back.)

Cavendish: Oh dear.

(Zack, Melissa, and Sara go toward them. They look up, see King Pistachion, and scream. Meanwhile, Milo continues toward the plant. He reaches and tries to uproot it, but is unable.)

King Pistachion: (atop the school) Oop! I wouldn't do that! (holds out his hands, which are holding Milo's friends) And I think your friends might agree with me. (dangles them over the edge)

Milo: No!

King Pistachion: Now, move away from that pistachio plant, Milo! (he does) Yeah! There's nothing in that backpack for you now, is there?

Milo: Well, yeah, I'm almost all tapped out; I just got this — bird whistle. Or more specifically, a woodpecker whistle! (Blows it)

King Pistachion: (gasps) Woodpeckers! (Woodpeckers from all over the area fly in, to which cut.) Oh no. Oh no! Not woodpeckers. (The woodpeckers arrive and peck at him) Ah! Woodpeckers! Shoo! Shoo! (beats at them with the hand holding Cavendish and Dakota, and they exclaim as he does) Oh! Ow! My bark! Oh! (The woodpeckers peck off his crown) Ah!

(He attempts to shoo them with the hand holding Melissa, Zack, and Sara; all fall and scream. Milo kicks the air mattress away, and they land on it. Milo starts after the pistachio plant, but King Pistachion grabs him.)

King Pistachion: I've had just about enough of you, young man!

Milo: Yes, you have.

King Pistachion: Wait a minute. Why are you smiling?

Milo: Because I never told Diogee to go home. (points toward him, standing above the pistachio plant on a bough)

(Diogee urinates on the plant, destroying it. King Pistachion falls over in pain.)

King Pistachion: Oh! Ah!

Milo: See, I read that your particular species of pistachio plant is extremely vulnerable to uric acid, one of the main ingredients of dog pee. And I happen to have the best dog in the world.

King Pistachion: You haven't seen the last of me, Milo Murphy! Ah! You haven't seen the last of — oh! (He vanishes)

Pistachions: Hey, wait a — (They vanish)

(Other Pistachions vanish, as does their time vehicle.)

Jerry: (assembling the words "JERRY WAS HERE" on the school marquee) I regret that I have but one life to give for my — (he vanishes)

The same, later

(Fade to Cavendish and Dakota, still there, talking to Mr. Block.)

Mr. Block: Well, if it isn't Candypants and Dumb-Totem.

Cavendish: It is not.

Dakota: So, boss, what did you think of our report?

Mr. Block: (clears throat) Nut monsters, magical backpacks, you two (and I quote) "saving the world"? If you think that I can't see through your absurd attempt to get off pistachio duty, you've got another thing coming! Now get to work! (Transmission ends)

Cavendish: Well, the time-stream healed around him. He'll never know what we did.

Milo: Hey, guys! (rappels down from the science room on the flagpole) I checked, and the turtle is all right.

Dakota: Thanks a lot, Murphy. I saved a couple clocks from the time-stream. Why don't you keep one as a souvenir? (Gives Milo a clock)

Cavendish: Well, yes. I must admit I had my doubts about you, my boy, but you really came through for us.

Milo: (puts the clock in his backpack) It was quite a day, wasn't it?

Dakota: I'd say.

(Zack, Sara, and Melissa walk in.)

Cavendish: Well, children, we really should be on our way. Thanks again. (leaves)

Dakota: So long!

Milo: Farewell! Goodbye!

Melissa: Auf Wiedersehen!

Sara: Goodbye!

Dakota: I really like that kid.

Cavendish: Yes. Yes, he's alright.

(Brick and Savannah stop Dakota and Cavendish. They gasp, startled.)

Brick: (snaps his fingers) Our car?

Cavendish: (looks for the keys) Oh. Heh. Hm. Right. Here you go. (gives Brick the keys)

Dakota: Have fun.

(Cavendish and Dakota walk away.)

Cavendish: Thanks for the loan!

(Brick pushes a button on his key fob, and the limo chirps. He and Savannah look up, shocked to see the front half of their limo, wrecked amongst picnic tables. Brick presses the button a few more times. They look to see the limo's rear half lodged in the wall of the school. He continues pressing the button.)

Savannah: (sarcastically) Yeah. Just keep pressing the button. That'll help.

(Cut to Sara, Milo, Melissa, and Zack.)

Zack: So, Milo. Melissa's got a secret room covered in pictures of you.

Milo: Really?

Melissa: It's not what you think.

Milo: You mean, you're not tracking Murphy's law in the hopes of getting to the bottom of its influence and how best to help me?

Melissa: Wow! I guess it's exactly what you think.

Milo: But how did you know where I was going to be? And when I was going to be?

The Murphy house

(Transition to the Murphys' television. It is playing the lost — now found — pilot episode of Doctor Zone.)

Milo in the television: (flatly) But whatever will we do, Doctor? (The television pauses.)

Milo: Wow.

Zack: Right?

Milo: I am not a very good actor.

Zack: Right. (reclines)

Sara: You also sent us this letter. (hands it to Milo) From 1965.

Milo: It's my handwriting, but I didn't write it. At least, not yet.

Melissa: I don't think Milo's time-travelling days are over.

Sara: So, when you do go back there, you have to remember to write this note and give it to Orton Mahlson.

Milo: Well, why don't I just give him this one? (puts it in his backpack) It worked with peaches, apparently.

Melissa: So, why do you think you'll time-travel next time?

Milo: I don't know, but hopefully it'll have nothing to do with pistachios.

(Cut to a Pistachion careening through the time-stream. He falls out of it onto a street; a banner reading "1955 TOWN FAIR" is behind him. He looks at it and grunts inquisitively. He laughs evilly and overshadows the camera. "THE END" appears, followed by a question mark.)

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