Murphy House[]
Milo: Nose guards, head guards, shin guard, helmet. (A scene cut reveals Milo is in the attic looking through a box.) Now where is my nasal philtrum guard?
(A mouse squeaks and runs over to some cheese in a mouse trap, the mouse trap's mechanism sends it flying into a lamp, and it's landing knocks a wooden panel free, where there is a glowing boom box surrounded by cobwebs. Milo notices as ethereal music plays.)
Milo: What in the world? (mesmerized for a few seconds he stops the cassette and removes it) 'Ethereal Music Mix' tape? (picks up the boom box) What is this boom box even doing here?
Martin: Milo, stop! (He and Brigette are seen at the entrance.)
Brigette: (runs over to Milo) Oh, thank goodness you're safe. (Martin joins her) Now we can go downstairs (Milo stands up) and forget that we even have an attic.
Milo: (puts his hands on his hips) Mom, what's going on? You usually only get this nervous when you remember that I'm gonna get a driver's license in three years.
Brigette: (traumatized) Three years. (eye twitches) Only three years.
Martin: Honey, maybe we should tell him.
Brigette: Do you think he's ready?
Martin: I think it's time he knew.
Milo: (confused) Knew what? (waves arms up and down excitedly) Ooh! Ooh! (stops moving his arms) Am I really an alien? 'Cause that would be so cool!
Martin: Wouldn't it? Maybe you'd have a bunch of gross tentacles. (moves his arms in a circular motion at his sides) Like...(makes alien noises)
Milo: Yeah! Or three heads! Like..(makes alien noises, Martin is now moving around in a circle, Brigette is still traumatized.)
Brigette: Boys! (Makes antenna on her head with her fingers) He'd totally also have antenna like...(beeps) I'm an alien. I am alien.
Milo: (stops the previous action and laughs) Seriously, Dad. What's with the boom box?
Martin: Milo, when a Murphy lad comes of age there is an ancient ritual to help the boy along the road to adulthood. You found the secret boom box. I think that's a sign that you are ready.
Milo: Ancient ritual? Weren't boom boxes (picks up the boom box) invented in the '80s?
Martin: Yeah, well, I guess it's not that ancient.
Milo: So what happens on this ritual?
Martin: I can't tell you the details, but I can tell you this...it'll be scarier than anything in your entire life. (ethereal music plays)
Milo: (stops the boom boxes and laughs) Heh, sorry.
The Murphy's Drive Way.[]
(Martin, Milo and Grandpa are loading up the car.)
Brigette: Now, you men be careful out there.
Martin: With three Murphys, what could go wrong? (the rope holding the stuff on stop of the car snaps causing things to fall off, the inflated boat inflates, setting off a 'HELP!' flare.) That was supposed to be a rhetorical question.
Milo: So where are we going, Dad?
Martin: Your grandfather and I going to take you out into the wilderness (starts repacking the car) just like every father has done since the very first Murphy. (creaking a suitcase opens into the car) Isn't that right?
Grandpa: (At the same time as Grandma) I remember like it was yesterday taking your dad on this very same trip. Course, he got carsick on the way, might have been bad oysters and he.
Grandma: This whole Murphy ritual is a bunch of malarkey. I forgot to bring my needlepoint armadillo.
Milo: (opens the truck) Gosh, Dad, why do we need all this stuff?
Martin: (moving next to Milo) Because who knows what we'll find at...Dead Man's Bluff?
Sara: (Dramatically appearing) Bum, bum, bum. (Disappears)
Milo: Are we really going to a place called 'Dead Man's Bluff'?
Sara: (Dramatically) Bum, bum, bum. (Disappears again)
Martin: That's right. It's going to be scary, right, Dad?
Grandpa: (At the same time as Grandma) So scary that you're going to shiver like a cow wearing bathing trunks.
Grandma: Will you two quit trying to scare Milo?
Martin: (shuts the trunk) You're going out there a boy, but when you return you'll be a man.
Milo: Cool! Then I can get a driver's license.
Brigette: (flat, traumatized) Over three years.
Sara: (Dramatically) Bum, bum, bum. Sara out (drops mic)
Outside Danville[]
Grandpa: Seems like only yesterday I was taking you on your init-(stops) Wow, is this what my voice sounds like without Grandma talking over me? I don't like it.
Milo: So where exactly are we going?
Grandpa: We're taking you to the spot where Jebediah Murphy, the very first Murphy, took his son Obediah. Legend has it no one's ever made it out of there alive.
Milo: What about you and Dad?
Grandpa: (after a long pause) You know Jebediah Murphy never questioned his elders.
Murphys Backyard[]
(Brigette, Sara and Grandma are relaxing, instrumental version of 'Spa Day' from Phineas and Ferb)
Brigette: (Sighs) Nothing falling.
Sara: Nothing exploding.
Grandma: So peaceful. Is this what my voice sounds like without Grandpa talking over it? Well, I don't like it.
Sara: (sits up) Hey, why don't we all go somewhere together? Just us Murphy gals.
Doof: Oh, that sounds great. (Everyone sits up to face Doof who is an a hammock by the tree) Count me in!
Sara: Doofenshmirtz? Don't you have something else to do?
Doof: Nah, I was just gonna organize my old inator hammock. (lifts on up) Oh, look. This one makes everything smell like the inside of a Halloween mask.
Brigette: Well, it would be rude to say no, so...
Doof: Oooh, goody. Included by obligation. (Goes to get out of his hammock, which swings round and dumps him on the floor) I'll take it.
Somewhere near Danville.[]
(Grandpa, Milo and Martin are singing)
♪And the wall falls down,
and the wall hits a tree,
And the tree hits a pole,
and the pole hits a bee,
And that's how you know you're a Murphy! ♪
(Milo, Martin and Grandpa laugh after finishing the song, there's a rumble)
Grandpa: Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Martin: (pulls the car over) And getting a flat is another way to tell. Luckily, there is a spare in the trunk. (The trunk flings over and sends the spare flying, as the tire now on the road rolls away) Well, there was and there it goes. Yup, looks like we're walking.
Art Gallery[]
(The tire rolls across the entrance)
Grandma: Oh, isn't this delightful?
(Brigette, Sara, Grandma and Doof are looking at a piece of art)
Sara: What do you think, Dr. D?
Doof: Looks like Jackson Pollock threw up on a Picasso. Anybody can make modern art these days. (The camera pans back to show a statue of a centaur with a toilet for a head, and plungers for arrows) I mean, look at this! 'Look at me. I'm a horse with a toilet for a head.' What's that even mean?
Brigette: Well, you know, if you're not enjoying it, maybe you should go check out the gift shop?
Doof: Ooh, good idea. I think I have a dollar in change...(digs around in his labcoat pocket and finds an inator) Oh, look at this. I didn't even know I had this. I wonder what it does? (Fires it, Animating the Centaur statue which automatically starts firing the plungers) Oh, now I remember, it does that.
Brigette: Wait. How is that alive? (The centaur starts chasing people)
Doof: Well, technically 'alive' implies the existence of a soul, free will, the ability to enjoy fondue. I would just call this 'animated' and (breaking the four wall) expertly story-boarded
♪ James Kim ♪
Doof: He just became a daddy! (plunger hits him in the face)
Danville Forest:[]
(Colonel Niblet and Lieutenant Tenant are standing next to cage that has clearly been ripped open.)
Colonel Niblet: I'm beginning to think it might have been a mistake to put a cyborg brain into a wounded grizzly and give it one instruction: Destroy man.
Lieutenant Tenant: Well, luckily, there's no man within a hundred miles of here.
Colonel Niblet: Except for us. I think we better get out of here. (Ropes descend from the chopper above)
Lieutenant Tenant: Yes sir. (Both he and Colonel Niblet grab a rope and they're winched up)
Martin: (Walks into the area looking at a map) We should have turned left at this tree, unless that was the first tree which means this is the second tree.
Grandpa: (frustrated and snatches the map off Martin) Oh, let me look at that map. (The sun reflects off Grandpa's glasses and the map catches fire)
Martin: Jebediah's map! (takes backpack off and starts using it to put out the fire) It's okay. It's okay. I took a picture of it with my phone.
Milo: You mean the phone that was in this (picks up the remains of Martin's backpack) backpack. (The backpack catches fire, Milo drops it and starts stomping on it to put the fire out. There's more and more pieces breaking)
Grandpa: (putting his head on his hands) Oh, this is just great! Now how are we going to find the secret spot? (holds his hands out in Milo's direction) How's Milo going to become a Murphy man? (puts his hands up in fists) Murphy man...
Martin: Still not liking the sound of your own voice?
Grandpa: It's freaking me out.
Milo: We can start our own tradition and choose a new spot.
Grandpa: (Excited by the idea) Okay Milo, we'll pick our own spot. (Starts wigging his fingers in a 'monster' like way) A spot where there's monsters.
Milo: (fails to be scared by it) Oh, Grandpa, stop trying to scare me. I know there's no such thing as monsters.
♪ You've seen him before,
You're gonna see him soon-
(Recurring Raccoon gets pulled into the bushes)
O-kay, maybe not. ♪
(The Murphys walk into a clearing with an log already laying on it's side.)
Milo: How about this spot, Dad?
Martin: Good choice! I hereby dub this the new secret spot.
Milo: Hey, where's Grandpa?
Martin: Oh, don't worry. He just had to make a quick, um, yeah, pit stop. It's an old guy thing.
A short distance away.[]
Grandpa: All right, let's see. Here we are! (pulls out a monster costume, groans after catching a wiff) Smells like the inside of a Halloween mask, which is weird because it's the outside of a Halloween mask.
Art Gallery[]
(The centaur is still firing plungers as people run out)
Man: This is why I hate museums!
Doof: (As the centaur runs past him and the Murphys.) If I shoot it with the inator again, it should go back to normal. (attempts to fire as it runs) All right. Hold still, Hold still. (keeps firing) Stop it! Stop it! (He his a 'sharp' sculpture) Oh great. Now I hit this guy and he's coming a live. (The sculture prepares to charge) Excuse me, he hasn't come to life he has become animated. (The Murphy women back up sensing the danger) (oblvious) I think we went over this earlier right? He has no soul. (The sculpture charges) I just got to hit him again and it will turn it off. (Fires several times at it, eventually hitting it) Yeah I got it. (The now unanimated sculpture pins him to a painting) See, now he's unanimated.
Sara: (off screen) Uh, Dr. D I don't think we're out of the woods yet.
(Several statues are running around, with one throwing it's discus at a hand foot, there's screaming.)
Man 2: (As he's jumped by a painting) I hate Monet!
Danville Forest:[]
(Martin and Milo are sat on the log. )
Martin: All right, Milo, it's time for your initiation. (Picks up the torch and ethereal music plays, he turns the torch on) Murphy's Law is all around us, but it's stronger in us Murphy Men. It is a force that we must...(glances at the boombox)
Milo: (turns the boombox off) Oh. Go ahead.
Martin: (camera pans a nearby bush) In those bushes, is the spirit of Murphy's Law, and you must wrestle it and defeat it. (Nothing happens, so he clears his throat loudly) (gets up) (loudly) In those bushes, is the spirit of Murphy's Law, and you must wrestle it and defeat it. (Sighs) (whispering) Where is he?
A short distance away.[]
(Grandpa is struggling with the costume.)
Grandpa: Ugh. Dang monster costume. (The costume flings off)
Martin: (off screen) (now shouting) In those bushes, is the spirit of Murphy's Law, (the costume lands in a bush with the robot bear) and you must wrestle it and defeat it!
Art Gallery[]
(Benny Hill music as the hand foot messes someone's hair up, before stealing the guy next to her's toupee. The toupee lands on another sculpture who animates and chases two people, he throws a discus and hits one of them on the back of the head a nearby painting jumps off the wall and jumps up and down on that person)
Sara: Doof, do something! (A plunger lands just above her head)
Doof: I already did something. I made things worse! (A plunger ends up over his face)
Grandma: (hands on hips) Oh, for Pete's sake. Give me that thing. (Grabs the inator off Doof, she takes off running firing the inator at several animated pieces of art, she slides under the centaur and hits him, it skids to a stop now a normal statute. Doof, Sara and Brigette are wide eyed, Grandpa blows the 'smoke' off the inator) Yeah. I used to work at an arcade.
Brigette: Going back to Murphy's Law's gonna be a piece of cake after this.
Danville Forest:[]
(Martin is now shining the torch directly at the bushes)
Martin: In. Those. Bushes! (there's a growl) Ah, there he is. (Milo gets up) I mean there it is. It is, the spirit! Now go! (He pushes Milo forward)
Milo: Oh, come on, Dad. Really?
Martin: (pushes him into the bushes) Just go and confront the spirit!
Milo: (puts his head out of the bush) There is something in here, and it's really strong. (Gets pulled back in)
Martin: (Unphased) Good, son! You're doing it! Good! (leans back) Wow, Dad's putting on a good show in there.
Grandpa: (stands next to Martin) Woah, I guess I am. How exactly am I doing that? (Martin realises and he and his father both panic)
Martin: Milo, get out of there!
Grandpa: Milo!
Milo: (as 'monster arms reach out of the bushes) I can't! Something's got me. (There's a growl and the monster suit is thrown at Grandpa who stumbles back)
Grandpa: (pulling it off him) Ah! Hey, that's my monster costume.
Milo: (walks out with Diogee who has the monster mask on) Diogee! I'd recognise your Diogee breath anywhere! (puts him down and Diogee gets out of the mask)
Martin: If you knew it was Diogee, why were you screaming so much?
Milo: Because I knew it'd scare Grandpa.
Grandpa: Back in my dad, kids didn't scare their elders.
(In the bushes the bear growls)
Martin: Milo, I'm proud of you. (The bears clears the bushes infront of him) You went into the woods, battled the unknown and defeated it. (The bear zooms in on Milo) Even if it was just Diogee. I think I speak for both of us (the Bear target locks on Milo) when I say, you are now a Murphy man.
Milo: Thanks, Dad. (The bear emerges snarling from the bushes)
Diogee: (Barks and Milo picks him up)
(There a rumble and it's revealed the bear is ontop of the Ol Spewie Geyser, which shoots him award, he growls angry)
Helicopter[]
(The bear hits the windscreen of Colonel Niblet and Lieutenant Tenant's helicopter)
Colonel Niblet: Ah! It flies! (Lieutenant Tenant presses a button for the window wipers) Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! (The bear screams as he's thrown off, he crashes in the woods, gets up now angry. He falls through a sink hole, revealed to be Ol' Sinkie Sinkhole.')
The Murphys: (as they walk past the sink hole)
♪ And the wall falls down
and the wall hits a tree,
and the tree hits a pole
and the pole hits a bee.
And that's how you know you're a Murphy ♪
(Having all walked off screen)
The Murphys: ♪ It's my world and we're all livin' in it ♪