Teacher Feature/Transcript

The underground

(Scene starts with Scott hanging out with the milk carton Mildred. While he is dumping bags of garbage outside, he accidentally leaves Mildred outside, and a worker takes her into the garbage truck, and driving away.)

Scott: Mildred? Mildred? (sees the truck) Mildred! Mildred! (starting to cry) I'm sorry, Mildred! I'm sorry!

(Cutting back to the underground with Scott lonely sitting on a chair)

Jefferson County Middle School

(The marquee says, "DON'T CRY OVER SPILT MILK... It'll taste TEAR-able")

(Inside the school)

Milo: Remember, when using dangerous chemicals, safety first, and second, and third.

Zack: (wearing a protection suit along with Melissa) Way ahead of you.

(A ceiling tile falls out, making chemical substances fall out and dissolve a hole into the sewer)

Ms. Murawski: My desk! (She jumps on her desk as it falls through the hole. She lands in the water of the sewer) Ow! Desk? Desk?

(She sees a big rat coming and jumping towards her. Scotts saves her by catching and wrapping it inside a bag.)

Scott: Well, that takes care of dinner.

Ms. Murawski: (impressed) Oh, my! You saved me.

Scott: Did I? Well, in that case let's get you out of here.

(Scott lifts Ms. Murawski off her feet.)

Ms. Murawski: Oh, my. Thank you, kind sir.

(Scott pulls Ms. Murawski up to the classroom, to everyone's cheering)

Ms. Murawski: He was so solid and strong like a well-built desk. (worried) My desk!

Scott: (pulling the desk up) Whoop! I almost dropped its drawers.

Ms. Murawski: (turning more impressed) Ah, you're my hero. I... I don't know if this is the adrenaline talking, but um, would you like to have dinner tomorrow night?

Scott: Oh, I have dinner 'most every night.

Ms. Murawski: (flirting) I mean, with me.

Scott: Sure. Why not? (jumps back to the sewer) See you tomorrow night!

Ms. Murawski: (laughing) Oh, uh, class dismissed.

(She walks off to everyone's cheering except for Milo, Melissa and Zack.)

Melissa: Uh, Miss Murawski, we're supposed to have an exam?

Ms. Murawski: Mmm, you gotta get out more, girlfriend. (closing the door)

Zack: Okay, that was weird.

Melissa: Scott the undergrounder on a date?

Milo: Maybe we could find someone to coach Scott a little about dating and the surface world.

Melissa: Good idea. Let's go. (walks off)

Zack: No. We're the last people to give dating advice.

Melissa: As a teenager I'm a self-appointed expert on everything.

Milo: Can't argue with that.

The sewer

(Milo, Zack and Melissa climb down to the sewer to meet Scott)

Scott: Children of the overland!

Milo: Hey, Scott.

Melissa: We came to help you get ready for your big date.

Scott: But, uh, I'm already ready already. See? This is my good poncho. (guitar sting) Sansa!

Zack: See, Scott. See, right there. That's a "not ready." Surface people rarely name their clothes.

Scott: Really? Tell me more. (starts to comb a fake sheep)

Zack: Yeah, not everyone lives below ground, eats rats, and combs weird, fake sheep like that.

Melissa: Miss Murawski, for example, likes sunshine and clean air and bathing.

Scott: Wow, (stops combing) looks like I have a lot to learn about surface dwelling customs.

Milo: Don't worry. We got you covered.

Subterranus

(Cuts to a game show called "Surface Dweller Game Show")

Melissa: (announces) Welcome, contestant, to the "Surface Dweller Game Show". Just throw out as many answers as you can as fast as you can.

Zack: (asks the question) Name things you might bring on a date.

Scott: (answers) A pickaxe. Soil. A rat? Pass! Pass! Pass!

Zack: Okay, pass. How would you finish this compliment: "Wow! You have such lovely blank."

Scott: Bone density? Bacteria. Milk!

Melissa: Look, guys, as much fun as this is...

Scott: Escalator!

Melissa: And it is fun. I don't think you can cram a lifetime's worth of social intelligence into one evening.

Milo: She's right. We should just stage a mock date and see how he does.

(Song: He's Coming Up)

(Scott fixes on a banana peal as a tie and knocks on a door)

Singer: ♪ We can all agree ♪

(Milo answers in a wig and tries to act feminine)

♪ He'll never be the height of fashion ♪

(Scott offers Milo an angry badger as a present)

♪ And what's more it's a chore ♪

(Melissa stops him and points to a blackboard that has a badger with the word NO! under it and flowers with the word YES! under it)

♪ Just teaching him basic social interaction ♪

♪ He's a serious fixer-upper ♪

(Scott changes out the badger for some flowers but he decides to eat them after a fly lands on them)

♪ That might be cruel but it's not wrong ♪

♪ And you know he's been down for oh, so long ♪

(Scott leads Milo to some tables made to represent a fancy restaurant)

♪ (But) He's coming up! ♪

(Scott takes out a chair. Milo moves to sit in it but Scott quickly moves it to another table so he can sit on it there, leaving Milo on the ground.)

♪ Quite literally, he's coming up from underground ♪

(Milo shows Scott how to tuck his napkin into his shirt, which he does)

♪ He's coming up! ♪

♪ And now for better or worse ♪

(While eating spaghetti with Milo, Scott is distracted by a racoon and runs after it. It is revealed that he had instead tucked the table cloth into his shirt and his movement throws their food off the table, Milo's landing on his face.)

♪ He's ready to paint the town ♪

♪ He's got a good heart, and that's a start ♪

(Zack places the check on the table. Milo moves to take it but Scott insists he take it instead, leaving Milo impressed.)

♪ But his mind's a bit unsound ♪

(Milo's smile drops when Scott covers it in mustard and continues to eat the check)

♪ And we're not lying, he's really trying ♪

♪ so nothing's gonna keep him down ♪

(Scott looks up and finds both Melissa and Zack pointing to a blackboard with a picture of him eating the check with the word BAD! written on it. Scott spits out the check.)

♪ He's coming up! ♪

(Scene cuts to Milo, Zack and Melissa waiting for Scott to dress, with Diogee barks and comes later)

Milo: Diogee, go home. (flatly) Oh... I don't care.

Scott: (inside the change room) Okay, guys, I think I'm ready.

Zack: You're not wearing poncho Sansa, right?

Scott: No, it's an entirely new outfit. You're gonna love it.

(Scott brings a tape outside and turns it on. He then comes out later with a sieve bowl on his head, an old torn outfit, a inner tube around his waist, a mitten on one hand, one foot in a boot and the other in a sneeker, while dancing to the music, much to the trio's disappointed)

Scott: I wanna make a good first impression. What do you think?

Zack and Melissa: (indistinctly) Oh, Scott...

Milo: That's not quite it.

(Scott keeps dancing)

Zack: Scott. We talked about this. Scott? Scott. Okay. (Diogee runs off) Scott?

Melissa: Just... Just stop.

Zack: Scott.

Milo: Scott that's...

Zack: Scott. Scott.

Melissa: Why won't he stop?

Milo: ...not what we want.

Melissa: Why won't he...

Zack: Ok Scott.

Milo: Scott.

Melissa: Why won't he stop?

Zack: Ok, you're kind of freaking me out.

(The tape breaks)

Melissa: Oh, thank goodness, the tape broke.

(Scott still dances)

Milo: Scott. Scott?

Melissa: Oh, my gosh, he's not stopping. He's not stopping. He's not stopping!

Zack: Scott. Scott!

(Zack starts freaking out)

Milo: Can you hear the sound of my voice?

Milo, Melissa and Zack: (yells) SCOTT!

(Scott then stops)

Scott: What? Too formal?

Milo: No. I think we're looking at a total makeover.

Murphy house

(The song continues)

♪ He's coming up! (He's coming up and there'll be no doubt) ♪

(Scott rubs himself with soap before Zack blasts him with a hose)

♪ He's coming up! (He's coming up and he's going out) ♪

(Milo looks through clothes and Melissa gives Scott a haircut)

♪ He's coming up and he's going out tonight ♪

(Scott walks up to Ms. Murawski's house and rings the doorbell)

♪ He's coming up! ♪

Outside Murawski house

(Scott rings the doorbell of Ms. Murawski's house, and the two meet)

Scott: What a lovely night! You look beautiful?

Ms. Murawski: Why, thank you, Scott. You cleaned up pretty nice yourself.

(Akward pause, with crickets chriping)

Scott: Sorry, it's been a while. My last date was with a milk carton...

(A bell of a carriage rings, and its driver is Milo dressed up)

Milo: Your carriage awaits, guv'nor. What?

Ms. Murawski: Oh, my! How fancy!

(Milo bikes Ms. Murawski and Scott on the road)

Ms. Murawski: So, Scott, where are we headed tonight?

Scott: To eat. But not rat.

Ms. Murawski: Oh, you mean those little rat trap restaurants where all the tables are cramped together? I hate those, too.

Scott: No. I mean, normally for dinner, I would catch and eat a great big... (Melissa throws flowers on him) Oh! Uh, for you. (he gives it to Ms. Murawski)

Ms. Murawski: Oh! (chuckles) They're lovely.

Scott: You like things that grow? We have lots of things that grow down in the sewers. Here, I brought some.

(He brings out a jar of worms, then it is replaced by papers of note which Zack gives to him)

Scott: Oh uh, thank you. (looks at it) I hear the stars will be beautiful tonight.

Ms. Murawski: Oh, you don't say.

(The carriage crashes a hole on the road, and it looses a wheel)

Milo: Guess we walk from here, guv'nor. Pip, pip, bangers and mash.

No Regrets Restaurant

(Ms. Murawski and Scott sit on a table, with Zack eavesdropping the conversation beneath)

Ms. Murawski: So, have you been here before?

Scott: Me? Oh no. I rarely venture out of (acting) subterranus... (Zack kicks his foot) Ow! Oh, I mean, no. It will be a surprise for both of us.

(Milo and Melissa obeserve from a table far away)

Milo: So far so good.

The waiter: Bonsoir. Good evening and welcome to the... (the waiter slips over and lands on a tank of crabs. As a result, the crabs grab him) Argh! Oh! Get 'em off me! Get it off me! Get it off me! Oh! It's pinching me!

Melissa: That might be a problem.

Ms. Murawski: Where is our waiter?

(Another waiter comes in. He's Milo dressing as a waiter and wearing a mustache, talking in a foreign accent)

Milo: Bonsoir, senor and senorita. Welcomen a las Restorante. Konichiwa.

Ms. Murawski: Ooh, a foreign place. How fancy!

Milo: (laughs) May I get you something to drink.

Scott: Uh, just the hose is fine. (Zack kicks his foot again) Argh! I mean, water for me. In a cup, like a person.

Ms. Murawski: You know what? It's a special occasion. I'll have your best sparkling soda. (laughing) Oh, what the heck!

Milo: And for your main course, may I suggest steak?

Scott: You mean, like, from a cow? (chuckles) Okay.

Milo: And how would you like that prepared?

Scott: Uh, not grilled on a toilet. (his feet is kicked) I mean, grilled on a toilet. (and again) I mean, cooked in an oven.

Milo: Mmm, ah! Medium well. Very good, sir.

Ms. Murawski: Make that two.

(Milo walks off)

Ms. Murawski: You know, his oddly non-specific foreign accent reminds me of that movie that just came out, Vaguely European. I wanna see that.

Scott: Well, let's do it. I can take you there. I shall be your leader! (leads Ms. Murawski outside)

Zack: (comes outside, reporting) Danger level alpha. Repeat. The bird has left the roost. (The trio runs after them)

A cinema

(Ms. Murawski and Scott watch "Vaguely European")

The actor: It's not that easy, Helena.

Scott: Oh, free gum!

The actor: You can't simply give up the life of a miner. (puts on his hat) I've lived so long underground. The mines call to me. I must go back to the mines.

Scott: Seeing this movie makes me feel something about who I am and where I might belong. It's stirring something inside me. (his burp interrupts his speech) Oh, no! It's just gas. I'm fine, everybody. I'm good.

Zack: (above the audience seats) We didn't prep for a movie.

Melissa: It's a movie, Zack. They sit quietly, not talking or facing each other. This is better.

Zack: You're right. What could go wrong? (A speaker comes loose) Oh, right.

Milo: (calmly) It's just a speaker. (the speaker swings to a beam, makes it break) And a support beam. And the ceiling (a ceiling tile falls, following by a sign) And here comes the stores from the mall above. And some rock walls. (a bat wall sign falls, breaking the screen) Oh, I like that pet store. (a boulder sign falls, following by a bunch of boulders) Well, yeah. I bought a boulder from there before. And that's... Yeah, okay, maybe you're right.

Scott: Hey, I know some of those bats.

A man: My gum! Someone ate my gum!

(Scott then sees a man stuck in the rock walls)

Scott: Uh-oh. Overlanders in danger. (He wears his signature helmet and goes off to help him, leaving Ms. Murawski who is sastified about it)

Melissa: (prevents Milo from helping) No. He's got this.

(Scene changes to a montage of Scott helping the people over the accident)

Outside the cinema

Ms. Murawski: Oh, hi kids. Are you guys okay?

Milo: Sure, but how about you?

Zack: How was your... date?

(Scott brings another woman outside, as a group of fireman applauses)

Scott: (to the woman) Right this way, ma'am!

Ms. Murawski: (upbeat music rings) Tonight I saw a man of courage, compassion, and ingenuity.

Melissa: Great.

Zack: That's awesome.

Milo: So, you're gonna see him again?

Ms. Murawski: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. (The music stops) He lives underground. He has to specify not to cook things on toilets. He's a wacko. A brave wacko, but a wacko. (she then takes out her phone with a picture of her desk) Besides, I think a person only has room for one true love in their heart. (to Scott) Thanks for a memorable evening, Scott.

Scott: (goodbyes Ms. Murawski) Sure thing.

Milo: Are you okay, Scott?

Scott: Oh, I'm delightful. But I don't think I'm quite ready for the surface world yet. See you in the sewers. (he whistles and goes back inside the sewer)

Zack: Well, I guess you can put a suit on an undergrounder, but that doesn't make him a desk.

Melissa: (glares at him before saying) Yeah. That's what we learned here.

Subterranus

(Scott comes back to his house with a new orange juice jug)

Scott: Okay, Cynthia. Welcome to Casa de Scott. It's not much, but...

(He gasps after seeing Mildred)

Scott: Mildred? (he hides Cynthia behind him, says with his deep accent) Well, this is awkward.

(The episode ends with Milo's sting)