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Desert Landscape

(The scene is a desert landscape. A lizard is sunning itself on a rock, and Diogee comes to inspect it. Milo, Melissa, and Zack are off-screen.)

Melissa: Okay, Milo. How about on a scale from one to ten?

Long Branch

(As the children talk, tilt upward to reveal Milo, Zack, and Melissa hanging from a long branch overhanging a high cliff.)

Milo: I would rate this a six.

Melissa: I would say it's at least a seven or eight. Wait, is ten the best or the worst?

Zack: Uh, maybe we could rate this adventure later, you know, if we survive.

Melissa: And if we don't?

Zack: Then we don't rate it. For now, can we just figure out the surviving part?

Melissa: Well, we might be able to llama our way out of this.

Milo: Oh! Just like the llama incident.

Zack: Aha ha! Okay, that's it! You guys are always talking about the llama incident! What is the llama incident?

Milo: Well, I don't think we're always talking about it.

Melissa: Yeah, what conversations would that even fit into?

Zack: A lot!

Subway (Flashback)

(Transition to a clip from "The Undergrounders", where Zack, Melissa, and Milo are in a runaway subway car. Milo alone has seat-belted himself to a pillar.)

Milo: I would have had extras, but, you know, the llama incident.

Outer Area of Jefferson County Mile School (Flashback)

(Cut to a clip from "Rooting for the Enemy", where Milo, Melissa, and Zack [in his football uniform] are walking outside Jefferson County Middle School.)

Melissa: Last time he came, there was a llama stampede.

Danville Zoo (Flashback)

(Cut to a clip from "We're Going to the Zoo", where Milo is riding an ostrich.)

Milo: My T-shirt launcher is still filled with knockout gas from the llama incident.

Lard World Doughnut Ride (Flashback)

(Cut to a clip from "Murphy's Lard", where Milo, Zack, and Melissa [who is off-screen] are riding in a giant doughnut.)

Milo: (to Melissa) I've seen you walk a tightrope over stampeding llamas.

Fish Hatchery (Flashback)

(Cut to a scene during "Worked Day", where Milo is being flung about by a pressurized water-hose, while Melissa and Zack talk in the foreground.)

Melissa: Llama incident.

Jefferson County Middle School Roof (Flashback)

(Cut to a scene during "Sunny Side Up", where Milo and Zack are looking at the drop zone for their egg-protecting contraption.)

Milo: Llama incident.

(Cut to many other clips, one for every time Milo or Melissa says a syllable.)

Stage for Can-Can Dancers (Flashback)

(Milo dances on stage with a line of dancers with a matching dress)

Milo: La!

Murphy Home Staircase (Flashback)

(Melissa, Zack, and Diogee being held by Zack look on as a wave of bubbles approaches them down the hall)

Melissa: Muh.

Entrance to Murphy Home from "Rooting for the Enemy" (Flashback)

(Diogee tries to follow Milo out of his house with a number one foam finger covering his head. Milo is pointing back into the house.)

Milo: In!

Taco Place (Flashback)

(Melissa is holding some tacos and has a Mexican hat on while she stands outside a shop with a banner reading Taco Tuesday)

Melissa: ¡Sí!

Danville Road (Flashback)

(Milo points out a dent in his bike helmet while he, Melissa, and Zack are all on their bikes)

Milo: Dent?

Henge (Flashback)

(Cut to a henge, where Zack is tied to a giant totem resembling a llama before a bonfire, and Milo and Melissa are dressed in ancient cultic robes.)

Milo and Melissa: (chanting) Llama incident.

Long Branch (Flashback)

(Cut to a clip from earlier in "The Llama Incident".)

Melissa: Well, we might be able to llama our way out of this.

Milo: Oh! Just like the llama incident.

Long Branch

(Transition back to the episode proper.)

Melissa: Oh, I hadn't realized we talk about it so much. Looks like we're gonna have to let him into the llama club, Milo.

Milo: All right, then. Sit back, relax, and get ready to hear the llama story. Actually, don't sit back because you'll fall to your doom.

Jefferson County Middle School Football Field (Flashback)

(Cut to a flashback. The scene is a football stadium. Melissa is balancing on a tight-rope while holding a semaphore flag.)

Milo: (in voice-over) It was last fall. Melissa was stuck on a tight-rope over the football field.

Melissa: Milo, I can't do this much longer! What's the plan?

(Cut to Milo, who is running against a circular stampede of llamas.)

Milo: Not sure yet, but I'm working on it!

Tigers football player: Why are there all these llamas at the football game? (Grunts as he is trampled by llamas)

(Freeze-frame.)

Milo: (in voice-over) And that was the llama incident.

Long Branch

(Cut to Zack in the present.)

Zack: Hold on. How did the llamas wind up at the football game?

Milo: Okay, let me back up.

Office in 1900 (Flashback)

(Transition to an office in the year 1900.)

Milo: Back at the turn of the century —

Zack: Really? It starts in 1900?

Milo: No, this century. The year 2000.

Office in 2000 (Flashback)

(A bell rings; the office changes to a more modern style.)

Zack: Oh, okay. Go on.

Milo: A man named Edwin Garner came into a large inheritance.

Edwin Garner's House (Flashback)

Melissa: But the inheritance wasn’t money.

Mrs. Garner: What are all these llamas doing here?

Mr. Garner: (in thick Boston accent) I told you, Uncle Irwin left me the llama farm, just not the farm part.

Zack: Stop. Stop there.

Long Branch

(Cut back to him et al.)

Zack: Why does he have such a thick Boston accent?

Milo: Oh, he was originally from Boston.

Zack: Oh, okay. But I think you backtracked too far. Jump ahead.

Milo: Oh, okay. So Garner bought a little theatre in town,

Street Next to "Equity Waiver"

(cut to a street full of marquees advertising "LLAMA") a little ninety-nine-seat place, Equity Waiver. Anyway, fifteen years later he had a whole string of them, and there was an avant-garde play festival using Garner’s llamas in the cast.

(Cut to a street corner, where are many signs advertising llama variations on popular musicals. Milo and Melissa round it.)

Melissa: (in voice-over) There were shows like Hello Dolly Llama, Annie Get Your Llama, Death of a Sales Llama. Some of the titles were better than others.

(The sign advertising Death of a Sales Llama falls down. They stop under a sign, which Milo reads.)

Milo: "Llamalet: 'It's Hamlet, but with llamas." Well, I guess that quote says it all.

Melissa: I always confuse camels and llamas. Are llamas furry? Or is their skin like a briefcase?

Milo: Furry. Neither is like a briefcase.

(Milo and Melissa enter the theatre.)

Melissa: I wonder what I’m thinking of.

Milo: A briefcase?

Melissa: That’s it!

Melissa: (in voice-over) So, we’re at Garner’s theatre,

"Equity Waiver"

(cut to within the theatre, where a sparse audience including Milo and Melissa is watching Llamalet) and all things considered, the play was going pretty well. Hamlet had just asked for forgiveness, but Laertes wasn’t having any part of it, (a llama drops a sword which it was holding in its mouth, and another picks it up and chews it) I think.

Melissa: And I thought it was hard to understand Shakespeare in human.

Melissa: (in voice-over) That’s right about when Murphy's Law kicked in.

(A llama pulls on a rope, dropping many sandbags onto the stage, frightening all the llama cast. They stampede and flee. Melissa and Milo have gotten up, and Milo is putting on his backpack. A llama runs away with it before he can finish, however.)

Milo: My backpack! Stop that llama!

Street Next to "Equity Waiver"

("Llama, Llama" begins. Milo and Melissa pursue the llamas.)

Singer: ♪ Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama ♪

♪ Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama ♪

"Swan Llama Ballet" Theatre

(They enter a performance of "SWAN LLAMA BALLET / TONIGHT".)

Singers: ♪ Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama ♪

(The llamas from Llamalet chase off all the llamas from Swan Llama. All the audience stand and applaud.)

Graduation Ceremony 2016

Singers: ♪ Llama, llama, llama ♪

(Milo, Melissa, and all the llamas stampede through a graduation. One llama with a mortarboard on its head eats a graduate's diploma, and she moves its tassel to the left.)

Street Near Auditorium and Salon

Singers: ♪ Llama, llama, llama ♪

Salon

(Milo, Melissa, and all the llamas run into a "SALON". The llamas are getting their hair done and receiving pedicures.)

Singers: ♪ Llama llama llama llama llama llama llama llama ♪

(As the song continues, Milo and Melissa continue pursuing the llamas.)

Primary singer: ♪ Here's a llama, there's a llama, and another llama over there ♪

♪ We've got llamas to spare ♪

Street Next to Salon

♪ There's a baby llama and a papa and a mama llama in a llama mini-drama ♪

♪ Better beware ♪

Danville Street

♪ ¿Como se llama, llama? What's the trauma? ♪

♪ Oh, llama, you're the bomb-a, and you're blowing up; you're everywhere ♪

Prom Picture Taking Area

♪ Formal-looking llama; is he on his way to prom-a? ♪

Danville Street

♪ It's hard to remain calm-a when you're overrun by llamas ♪

Singers: ♪ Llama llama llama llama llama llama llama llama llama ♪

Boarding Area of a Cargo Ship

Primary singer: ♪ Hey, llama, you're the bomb-a, and you're blowing up; you're everywhere ♪

(The llamas board a cargo ship.)

Singers: ♪ Llama, llama, llama ♪

(Milo and Melissa follow, but the ship is already leaving, so they shriek as they fall into the sea. They are drawn up with the ship's anchor.)

♪ Llama, llama, llama ♪

Cargo Ship

(Milo and Melissa board and chase the llamas around the deck.)

♪ Llama, llama, llama ♪

(The ship lands at a glacier, and the llamas, Milo, and Melissa disembark.)

Salon, Danville Street and "Swan Llama Ballet" Stage

♪ Llama llama llama llama llama llama llama llama llama ♪

Glacier

("Llama, Llama" ends; Milo, his backpack, and Melissa are under a polar bear. They shriek as it roars at them. Freeze-frame.)

Milo: (in voice-over) And I got my backpack back!

(Cut to Zack in the episode proper.)

Long Branch

Zack: Hold on, hold on, hold on. What's with the polar bear? And how did you get from the glacier to the football game?

Milo: Well, we couldn’t just leave those llamas out there on the iceberg.

Glacier

(Stills appear to illustrate the scenes Milo is describing) So I used my T-shirt cannon to shoot knockout gas at the polar bear, which we used to frighten the llamas in a southerly direction. From there, it was a simple matter of a dogsled,

Seaplane

seaplane,

Public Bus

and public bus system back to town.

Bus Stop

(The buses arrive at a stop. All the llamas, Milo, and Melissa disembark.)

Street Next to "Equity Waiver"

Milo: Okay, mission accomplished. We just have to get these quadruped thespians back to their respective theatres.

Milo: (in voice-over) But they seemed confused and unmotivated.

Melissa: How do you motivate a llama?

Milo: Well, we could lure them with pistachios.

Melissa: Pistachios?

Milo: Didn't you know that llamas love pistachios?

Melissa: You’re asking me? I thought they had skin like a briefcase!

(Cut to Dakota and Cavendish loading a large drum of pistachio gelatin onto a flat-bed truck.)

Dakota: Who knew pistachio gelatin was so heavy?

Cavendish: Who knew pistachio gelatin existed?

(Cut back to Milo and Melissa.)

Milo: (rifling through his backpack) I could have sworn I had pistachios in here somewhere.

(A woodpecker lands on a doughnut shaped cereal advertisement on a billboard, dislodging the giant doughnut. The bird is startled and flies away. The giant doughnut crushes the drum Dakota and Cavendish are loading, squeezing out all the pistachio gelatin, which lands on Melissa and engulfs her.)

Milo: Hey, I found them. (as the gelatin engulfs Melissa) Oh, that works too.

Melissa: Milo, what do I do?

(The llamas all grunt curiously and dash rapaciously at Melissa.)

Milo: If I were you I’d probably run.

(Milo pushes Melissa, and her legs come free of the gelatin. She runs, and the llamas give chase. Cut back to the present.)

Long Branch

Zack: So, then you went to the football game?

Milo: Let’s see. (Stills illustrating each item appear as Milo names it)

"Equity Waiver", "Swan Llama Ballet" Theatre, Graduation 2016, Salon, Cargo Ship, Glacier, Public Bus, Street Next to "Equity Waiver" and Jefferson County Middle School Football Field

Hamlet, ballet, graduation, beauty salon, cargo ship, glacier, bus, pistachio gelatin, giant spool of wire.

Zack: Giant spool of wire?

Long Branch

Milo: Oh, right. Heh. Got ahead of myself.

(Cut back to the llama incident.)

Jefferson County Middle School Football Field

Milo: (in voice-over) So Melissa ran as fast as she could, but the llamas were closing in. She ran right into the football stadium.

Box office staffer: Hey!

Milo: (in voice-over) With the llamas hot on her heels.

("Llama, Llama" starts up again.)

Milo: (dumping money on the counter) She’s with me!

Box office staffer: So who are the llamas with?

(Cut to the field, where a game is currently in progress.)

Mort: Hut! (Mort tries to pass the football, but Melissa takes it instead.)Hey!

(The llamas dash past, obscuring our view. Mort is given a tutu and mortarboard.)

(The llamas continue chasing Melissa. She strafes to the right.)

Melissa: Take this!

(A Tigers football player takes the football, but he is caught in a collision of two llamas and knocked down. Melissa runs past the referee. He blows his whistle, and the llamas stop.)

(Melissa groans as she continues to flee the llamas, which buffalo the Tigers cheerleaders. Another Tigers football player is trampled by the llamas. A llama holds the referee while another punches him.)

Referee: Your hooves are hard and leathery like a briefcase.

(The llamas continue to terrorize the football game.)

Primary singer: ♪ One thing I can promise: I've been all across this nation ♪

♪ Never seen so many llamas, so here's my punctuation ♪

♪ It’s Llama, comma, llama, comma, llama, comma, llama, comma, llama, comma, llama, Oxford comma, and llama ♪

(A Tigers fan tears his shirt off.)

Tigers fan: Yeah! (Whoops)

(Two llamas tear his trousers off, and he cringes and shrieks in embarrassment. Melissa runs past, pursued by llamas. The llamas buffalo a football player and carry a Pistachion on their backs. "Llama, Llama" ends.)

(Two deliverymen are bringing a huge spool of cable up the steps to the press-box, where the Geckos marching band is sitting.)

Deliveryman: That’s right, bring it up here. Now tie it to the railing. There you go: one drum of cable.

(A llama emerges from behind the spool of cable.)

Band director: No, I said "One drum for Mabel". She left hers at home.

Deliveryman: (takes out a piece of paper) Oh, I get it. (The llama mounts the drum of cable and rolls it down the steps) Drum of cable, drum for Mabel. Boy, is my face red. (The llama crosses the football field, and Melissa and the other llamas run over the cable laid down) I mean, they sound a lot alike and then they rhyme and all, (The llama continues laying cable across the field and up the other bleachers) but why would I think you need a big drum of cable up here?

Dump-Truck Next to Football Field

(As the llama reaches the top of the bleachers, the drum drops into a dump truck) And it was a lot of effort getting it up these stairs.

Jefferson County Middle School Football Field

Milo: (in voice-over) This went on for several hours. (A hollow, rapid, wooden drumming.) And... Wait, what's that noise?

Long Branch

(Cut back to the present to show that it is a woodpecker.)

Melissa: Shoo! Stop that.

Milo: Go away, woodpecker.

Zack: Maybe we can distract him. What do woodpeckers like to eat?

Milo: Uh, branches.

Melissa: Pistachio trees.

Milo: Yes, but the Pistacia vera is a very sturdy wood. That should leave me enough time to tell you about the seat-belts.

Zack: (after looking up worriedly at the woodpecker, which continues tapping) Keep going.

Milo: Anyway, Melissa was getting pretty tired of running from llamas.

(Cut back to the llama incident.)

Jefferson County Middle School Football Field

Melissa: Milo! A little help here? I’m about to be llama chow!

Milo: (riding a llama, reaching into his backpack) I’ve got it! Seat-belts!

Melissa: Whatever you’re doing, do it better!

(Milo connects a seat-belt around himself and throws another one at the suspended cable, where it winds tightly around it.)

Milo: Melissa, grab the seat-belt!

(She does, and she is taken up and whirled around off the ground. The llamas stop and turn round. Melissa weighs the cable down.)

Melissa: Milo, this isn’t working!

Dump-Truck Next to Football Field

(The dump-truck in which the drum of cable is drives off.

Jefferson County Middle School Football Field

(The cable, accordingly, is tightened, and Melissa is flung high into the air and out of the gelatin, exclaiming.)

Melissa: Whoa!

(Melissa lands on the elevated wire and flails to regain her balance. She receives a semaphore flag from below.)

Geckos cheerleader: Oops. Sorry. I didn’t mean to throw it that high. I was just startled by all these llamas.

Melissa: Milo, I can’t do this much longer! What’s the plan?

(Cut to Milo, who is running against a circular stampede of llamas.)

Milo: Not sure yet, but I’m working on it.

Tigers football player: Why are there all these llamas at the football game? (Grunts as he is trampled by llamas)

(Freeze-frame.)

Milo: And that’s basically it: the llama story. The end.

(Cut to the episode proper.)

Long Branch

Zack: "The end"? What do you mean? She's about to fall into stampeding llamas. That's how we started!

Milo: Oh, well, you know she got down because she's right here.

Zack: Look, by that logic, the only stories you would ever wanna hear would be told by dead people. Just tell me how she got down.

Milo: Okay.

(Cut back to the llama incident. Diogee barks.)

Jefferson County Middle School Football Field

Milo: Melissa, I just remembered that Diogee is one quarter llama-dog.

Melissa: What does that even mean?

Milo: He herds llamas like a sheep-dog herds sheep.

Melissa: I’ve never seen him do that.

Milo: Oh, yeah. It just doesn’t come up very often. (to Diogee) Perrito, ¡arear las llamas! ¡Arear las!

Zack: Wait, wait, wait! (Cuts back to episode proper)

Long Branch

Since when do you know Spanish?

Milo: Well....

(Cut to a Spanish class.)

Spanish Class

Teacher: Buenos días, clase.

Students: Buenos días.

(Cut to the present.)

Long Branch

Zack: Okay, okay, okay. But how does Diogee know Spanish?

Milo: Well....

(Cut to the Spanish class.)

Spanish Class

Teacher: Buenos días, clase.

Students: Buenos días.

(Diogee, who is also present, barks. Cut back to the present.)

Long Branch)

Zack: Just finish the llama story!

Milo: Okay.

(Cut to the llama incident.)

Jefferson County Middle School Football Field

Milo: Diogee, ¡arear las llamas!

(Diogee, barking, herds the llamas and organises them into standing together in a circle below Melissa.)

Milo: Good boy. (Dismounts his llama, which runs off) Now jump!

(Diogee and the llamas jump.)

Milo: No, I meant Melissa. But you’re right; that was ambiguous. Melissa, jump!

Melissa: Are you sure?

Milo: Trust me!

(Melissa hollers as she jumps off the cable and lands on the llamas.)

Melissa: (feeling a llama) Oh, they’re so soft. They’re not like a briefcase at all.

Milo: I know, right?

(A llama dressed in a referee's costume blows a whistle, and two Tigers players whoop.)

Milo: And that was the llama incident.

(Cut to the episode proper.)

Long Branch

Zack: Wow, no wonder you guys made a big deal about that story.

Melissa: Yeah, it was legendary.

(The woodpecker continues pecking at the tree. Wood starts to snap.)

Zack: Guys, I got it. Seat-belts, pistachios, Diogee, llamas, woodpeckers — I know how we can get down.

Melissa: Hurry, the branch is about to —

(The branch breaks, and they all fall down and scream.

Rock Quarry

(Cut to Diogee and the lizard; they dash out of the way, three blurred figures impact the ground and deposit gore on nearby rocks. Dark music plays but winds down as we zoom out to see Zack, Melissa, and Milo walk in from screen right, perfectly all right. We also see Mort in a forklift.)

Milo: Hey, Mort, how's it going?

Mort: Not great. I just got this job and I already dropped three of these flesh-coloured bags of red paint. Hope you're having a better day than me.

Milo: We sure are. A few minutes ago, we were falling from a cliff.

Mort: Whoa! How did you survive?

Zack: Oh. (chuckles) You mean the woodpecker incident.

Sky, Statue of Liberty, Bog, Shark Tank

(A variant of "Llama, Llama" [which may be rightly called "Woodpecker, Woodpecker"] plays as several stills appear. In the first, Milo is unspooling a ball of twine, Melissa is holding a sort of tiny lasso, and Zack is blowing expectantly on a woodpecker whistle. In the next, they are all hanging from flocks of woodpeckers. In the third, they are all dangling from the Statue of Liberty. In the fourth, they are on stilts in a bog, trying to avoid alligators. In the fifth, they are flying over a shark tank in a shopping cart. Zack is directing them frantically with a map, Melissa is holding a vacuum cleaner over her head, and Milo is hanging on to the shopping cart. Four monkeys, a clown on a unicycle, and many woodpeckers are following them.)

Woodpecker, woodpecker
Woodpecker, woodpecker
Woodpecker

(A title card appears: "THE END / ?". The episode ends.)

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