A street; the starting line of the Race for Runts

(Milo and many others are standing at the starting line, while Melissa, Zack, and several other spectators stand behind barricades alongside the course.)

Milo: Maybe this is the year I finally finish this race!

Zack: You've run it before?

Melissa: Well, he runs it every year.  But just the beginning of it.

Milo: I've never crossed the finish line, what with Murphy's law and all.  I just can't carry everything I need to combat it while I'm running.  That's why you guys are carrying my backpack.

Zack: No problem!  So, what have we got to work with?

Melissa: (rifling through Milo's backpack) Let's see: bandages, electrolyte snacks, a bottle of sunblock as big as my head —

Zack: (goes over to Milo's backpack and begins rifling through it) Also, dissolvable sleeping bags, a metal detector, and — a stuffed elephant?  (Squeezes the elephant, which squeaks)

Milo: Those things may or may not make sense later.

Zack: (incredulous) When?

Milo: Well, I don't know!  It— it's just that, anything that can go wrong —

Melissa and Zack:will go wrong.

Melissa: But not today. (Dons Milo's backpack)  We'll get ahead on our bikes, (Melissa and Zack mount their bikes; Melissa dons her helmet) scope out any situations, and be ready for you.

Zack: With this stuffed elephant. (Squeezes the elephant)

Milo: You guys will have the backpack, and I'll have my motivational mantras, like this one: (Inspirational music plays) "Don't stop swimming, or you'll die." (Music fades out)  Or maybe that's just sharks.

Melissa: (produces a book from Milo's backpack) Did you read that in this book?  Inspirational Shark Mantras?

Milo: Yeah! Sharks are surprisingly positive thinkers!

Referee of the race: Ready!  Set!  Go, runners!  (All the runners except Milo start; a bell rings)

Milo: Oops!  Gotta go! (Starts running in place) You know what they say: "If everyone's running, they're probably running from you!" (Runs off)

Zack: Another shark mantra?

Melissa: Or maybe a Milo mantra.

(Cut to ahead of the starting line, looking back.  Milo brushes against a cart of fireworks while running.)

Milo: Whoops!  Sorry!  (Continues running; a firework ignites and hits the Start banner, which catches fire.)

Zack: It's gonna be a long race.

(Melissa pulls out a fire extinguisher, and she and Zack turn toward the fire to handle it.)

The finish line

(There are three fabric shelters.  Brick and Savannah, dressed in pistachio servers' uniforms rather than their ordinary expensive attire, man a pistachio cart under one. They are resentful.)

Brick: I can't believe we're stuck with Cavendish and Dakota's nut mission.

Savannah: We can check it off in a couple hours and then get back to saving the world.

Brick: So how does selling pistachios keep them from becoming extinct in the future?

Savannah: We just stand here and make sure nothing happens to the shipment.

Brick: So we're nut guards.

Savannah: Seed sentries.

Brick: Legume lookouts.

Savannah: They're not legumes.

Brick: (mocking Savannah) "They're not legumes." (Speaking normally) That's what you sound like.

An alleyway along the race course

(Cavendish and Dakota's time vehicle pulls to the end of the alleyway.)

Cavendish: (reading) "Race for Runts." So they're raising money for dogs that are smaller than other dogs?

Dakota: I guess they gotta buy 'em more food so they can grow.

Cavendish: Yes. (Pulls out a "Race for Runts" pamphlet) Well, we can't let pistachios survive and take over the world, so we have to stop Brick and Savannah. (Turns to a spread advertising "B&S Pistachio Sale!") This is not going to be easy.

Dakota: Yeah, but it's better than cleaning outhouses in the Renaissance.  All you ever hear about are the paintings; they don't tell you about the stench.

(The runners pass by. Milo notices them.)

Milo: (passing them) Oh, hi! Cavendish, Dakota.

Cavendish: Hello, Murphy!

Dakota: (waving) Hey, Murphy!  (The rear view mirror falls down and hits a button on the time vehicle's dashboard)  Uh-oh.  Murphy's Law(They fall into the time-stream)

Cavendish: (as they careen through the time-stream) Where are we going?  When are we going?

A town in the Old West

(The time vehicle lands on a street in a town in the Old West.)

Cavendish: Hm. Looks like we've travelled to the 1870s.

Dakota: Yeah; you're finally in style. (Cavendish grunts, nonplussed) Okay, let's pull a youie and go back.

(A sheriff with a thick Southern accent leans into Cavendish's window.)

Sheriff: Howdy there, partners.

Cavendish: Oh! (clears throat) Hello! Um, we're just passing through.  Don't mind us.

Sheriff: Oh, I don't mind nothin'. If I spent time mindin' things, I'd be mindin' all the time.

(The Sheriff walks away; the post to which a horse is hitched falls into the horse's drinking trough, startling it. It whinnies and kicks the time vehicle, wrecking it. Cavendish tries in vain to start it.)

Cavendish: (grunts) It won't turn. Now it won't start. We're stuck. (Gets out)

The same

(Transition to Cavendish and Dakota pushing their time vehicle into an alley. Dakota grunts as he pushes.)

Cavendish: We're stuck, the future is doomed, (he and Dakota cover it with a cowskin rug) and the Renaissance potties are going to have to clean themselves.

Dakota: Well, if we're going to be stuck here for a bit, maybe we should get some new outfits so we can blend in.  Uh. (Looks at Cavendish)  Oh, I guess just me.

A water stop along the race course

(The runners go between two tables.)

Melissa and Zack: Go Milo!

Melissa: How are you feeling?

Milo: (panting) Great!  Just a little thirsty.

(Milo stops to pick up a cup of water; the bottom falls out of it. He casts it away and picks up another one, but a passing hawk seizes it. He moves to take a third, but the table collapses, spilling all the water cups on it.)

Milo: Throw me my towel!

Zack: (takes a trowel out of Milo's backpack and throws it at him) Okay! Heads up, Milo!

(Some approaching runners notice the trowel flying at them and scream; Milo raises the top of the collapsed table, and he and they duck behind it.  The trowel stabs the table top.)

Milo: No, not a trowel, a towel!

Zack: Oh. Sorry! (Takes out a towel and throws it at Milo) That makes much more sense.

A drawbridge

(The runners pass over the drawbridge. Melissa and Zack stand beside the course.)

Zack: Milo! Bridge ahead!

(Zack and Melissa come up behind Milo as he runs.)

Milo: Get the discus and the bandage ready.

(A seagull flies into the control tower of the drawbridge and perches on a lever, causing the drawbridge to rise.  All the other runners make it over the drawbridge before it rises fully.)

Milo: (to the other runners) Watch out! (Hangs from the drawbridge) The discus! (Addressing Melissa) Throw it at the lever!

(Melissa throws the discus, which lands right in front of her. Irritated, she takes the stuffed elephant out of the backpack and throws it; it hits the control tower, startling the seagull. The seagull gets off the lever, which springs back to its original position. The drawbridge goes down again. Milo slides down it toward Melissa and Zack.)

Melissa: Amazing, Milo! (She and Zack ride in from screen left)  What were you gonna do with the bandage? (holds it out)

Milo: (rises) Oh, yeah. I've got a blister. (Holds out his blistered finger) Thanks. (Bandages his finger)

Melissa and Zack: Ohhh.

A tailor shop in the Old West town

("1875" appears on screen briefly.  Phillip, a tailor, is measuring Dakota, fitting him for period-appropriate clothing. Cavendish stands aside.)

Dakota: So. How soon before I can start saying "reckon"?

Cavendish: Preferably never. We just have to fix our time machine and get back to the future to stop Brick and Savannah from saving those pistachios.

Phillip: I reckon I need more thread.

Dakota: See, it sounds so cool when he says it.  How are we gonna find parts for a car built a hundred and fifty years in the future?

(The Sheriff walks in.)

Sheriff: Did I hear "150 years in the future"?

Cavendish: Oh, hello, Sheriff (stoops to read the Sheriff's badge) Murphy, is it?  Oh, funny! As in Murphy's Law!

Sheriff Murphy: Well, I am a Murphy, and I am the law. (Goes further into the shop)

Dakota: I reckon you are. (To Cavendish) You hear that? I said "reckon". Reckon you are.

(Sheriff Murphy stops at some shelves and starts to pick out a hat, standing on Phillip's tape measure. Phillip is unable to move it, and the Sheriff, noticing this, takes his foot off the tape measure. Phillip, having exerted force on it, stumbles across the shop, holding parts of Dakota's trousers in his hands, which unravel. Phillip crashes, and Dakota is left in his underpants.)

Dakota: Oh, look at that. Good thing it's not Sunday!

Sheriff Murphy: (helping Phillip up) New clothes, eh? Phillip here is the best tailor in these here parts. 'Course, he's the only one. If y'all are from the future, I reckon that means you're time-travellers. (Starts to exit the shop)

(Dakota is changing into his usual tracksuit. He and Cavendish stammer as Sheriff Murphy walks past.)

Sheriff Murphy: We get a lot of those down here.

Cavendish and Dakota: You do?

Sheriff Murphy: They hang out at the So-and-So Corral, best saloon in these here parts. 'Course, it's also the only one. (His hat blows away in the wind, and he goes after it.) Place is just down the street!  This street, that is! The only street! (Continues chasing his hat)

Cavendish: If there are time-travellers here, they may have the parts we need.

Dakota: I wonder if they have cold-press juice!

Cavendish: It's 1875.

Dakota: What, you think juice is new? They had fruit in the past. (He and Cavendish start out.)

An overpass

(A foreman and a construction vehicle with a wrecking-ball are beneath the overpass.)

Foreman: Hang on, are we sure that this is the —

(The wrecking-ball demolishes the overpass.  Some rubble falls, along with a banner reading "RACE ROUTE".)

Wrecking-ball operator: Right, what's that now?

Foreman: I said, are we sure that this is the right overpass?

Wrecking-ball operator: Oh! (beat) No.

(Cut to Zack and Melissa standing on the overpass.)

Zack: We've got an overpass demo up ahead.

Melissa: (to Milo, who is running up) What do you think you'll need?

Milo: I don't know; use your instincts!

Melissa: I'm thinking inflatable Santa! (Pulls one out of Milo's backpack)

Zack: What would he do with that?

Melissa: What does he ever do with it?

Milo: You can do it, guys! The only thing we have to fear is harpoons and feeding frenzies!

Melissa: Enough with the shark mantras!

(Zack pulls out a tape measure, and Melissa pulls out a bottle of sunblock.)

Zack: Too obvious. (They put their items back)

(Zack pulls out an alien figurine, and Melissa pulls out a sandwich.)

Zack: Too weird. (They put their items back)

(Zack pulls out an eggbeater, and Melissa pulls out a roll of aluminum foil.)

Zack: Too eggbeater-y.

(Milo is at the breach in the overpass, running in place.  Melissa and Zack go up to him, and Melissa hands Milo his backpack as the overpass crumbles.)

Melissa: I have no more instincts. I'm running on fumes here. (Sits down, dejected)

Milo: (as he pulls out a small rod and extends it) Both good mantras.

Zack: What if we can't get you to the finish line?  (As Milo runs off) Wait, Milo!

Milo: Come on, guys! It's time to go full Megalodon(As he runs toward the breach) Nothing can break your bones when you're cartilaginous! (As he vaults over the breach with his pole) That's not a seal; that's a surfer! (He lands on his seat on the other side.)

Melissa: You've really gotta get another mantra book.

The So So Saloon in the Old West

First patron: And that's when we realized we were stuck here!

Second patron: And that's how it happened to us, too!

Dakota: Hang on. (Addressing the room generally) All of you are time-travellers who got stuck here?

Patrons: Sure enough! You better believe it!  You're darn tootin'!

First patron: The only person I know personally who's really from here is Sheriff Murphy. Personally.

Dakota: Sheriff Murphy.  That's it! He's a Murphy, and he's the law; he is —

Cavendish: — the original Murphy's Law!

Dakota: You're a real conclusion-stealer, you know that?

Cavendish: That man is Milo's great-great-great-great-grandfather!

Dakota: That's why this place is like a time-travel Bermuda Triangle. (To all the room)  So all of you are stranded here like us, huh? So what happened to your time machines?

A lot

(The lot contains various vehicles futuristic in appearance. Dakota, Cavendish, and several others are standing in it.)

Dakota: Wow. These are some snazzy vehicles. How come we always get stuck with the outdated lemon?

Cavendish: Well, because the last time they gave us a new car, we destroyed Earth's second moon.

Dakota: Yeah...

Cavendish: (to first patron) You're sure that you can't get any of them working?

First patron: Personally, I stopped lookin' for the gas. I like it here, personally.

Second patron: Oh yeah. Me too. Our machine needed batteries.

Time-travelling woman: Diesel fuel.

Time-travelling man: Mine takes gingerbread lattes.

Cavendish: Your time machine uses gingerbread lattes for power?

Time-travelling man: Well, not exclusively. All the holiday flavours are used. (Zoom and pan to reveal his time machine, which is a snowman with candy canes flanking a fallen Christmas tree, all on wheels.)

Cavendish: Ugh. What are we going to do? We're going to be stuck here like these people for all eternity, chewing straw and saying "reckon" a lot. (pauses) Ooh! That does feel good!

Dakota: Yeah, reckon.

Cavendish: Reckon.

Dakota: Reckon.

Dakota and Cavendish: (long, low and satisfied) Yes.

Dakota: But if we don't get back, the future will be ruined by those plants!

Cavendish: I suppose there is the possibility that Brick and Savannah will fail the mission just like we always did.

(After a beat, Cavendish sighs, unsatisfied with that. He and Dakota make further sounds of dissatisfaction.)

The main street

(The hood of Cavendish and Dakota's time vehicle is open. Dakota is standing before it, while Cavendish is inside, cranking the starter in vain.)

Cavendish: Every moment we're stuck here, we come closer to a pistachio-dominated future.

Dakota: Maybe we can find a working starter switch in one of those abandoned machines and jury-rig it.

Cavendish: Capital idea!  Let's push. (He and Dakota push the time vehicle as Sheriff Murphy rides up.)

Sheriff Murphy: Uh!  Let me give you a hand gettin' that to the time machine junkyard.

Cavendish: Uh! Why, thank you! (Sheriff Murphy rides ahead, hitching his horses to their time vehicle) Oh! Wait! No! Don't help; Murphy's Law!

(A serpent slithers up to a donkey standing by; the donkey is frightened and brays, startling a nearby woman near a butter-churning apparatus. She cries, and Murphy's horses are startled; they rear and gallop off apace.  Cavendish and Dakota scream as they struggle to keep up with Murphy's horses.)

Dakota: Hey, hey! If we get them running fast enough, our old, crummy standard transmission will let us bump-start! We just pop the clutch, and it should start.

Cavendish: Ah! You're right! (He and Dakota get into the vehicle)

(A man in the street exclaims as he leaps out of the way.)

Dakota: Pop it!

(Cavendish puts the vehicle into gear; it starts.)

Cavendish and Dakota: Yes!

(Sheriff Murphy's horses un-hitch from the time vehicle and stumble about as he tries to keep on the one that he is riding.)

Dakota: (looking back) Why did they stop — (looks ahead and screams as he and Cavendish go over a cliff)

Cavendish: (quickly) Since we're going to die anyway, I'd like to air some grievances!

(Dakota pushes a button, and they time-travel.)

Dakota: (as they enter the time-stream) Yes!  Ye-hes!

Sheriff Murphy: (lying on the ground with one foot in a stirrup, waving at Cavendish and Dakota) Safe travels now!  Oh!  Say hello to my great-great-great-great-grandkids!

The finish line of the race

(Melissa and Zack pull up to the finish line on their bikes and dismount.)

Zack: Uh-oh. A lot of possible hazards here. Dig deep.

Melissa: (going through Milo's backpack, taking items out as she names them) Rubber cement glue, fish-bowl pebbles, and, uh, nail scissors.

Zack: (also going through Milo's backpack) Badminton racquet, tinfoil ball, picture frame.

Melissa: Bacon bits, stapler, paint thinner...

Zack: I don't know. I just don't know!

Melissa: He's almost here!

Zack: Game over, man! (Kneels on the ground; Melissa bows in dismay) We're finished!

Melissa: (looks up) "Finished". (Simultaneously with Zack) I have an idea!

(Cut to Brick and Savannah's pistachio cart.)

Brick: Well, the nuts are still safe.

Savannah: Yup. Still safe.

(Cavendish and Dakota come in from the time-stream, falling from high in the sky.)

Dakota: Look out!

Cavendish: The steering is gone!

Dakota: We are in mid-air!

(Their time vehicle lands and snags on the finish line, dragging it away. It demolishes the shelters and the pistachio cart.)

(Cut back to Milo.)

Milo: (short of breath)!  Just...just a little...further!

(Cut to Cavendish and Dakota.)

Cavendish: We destroyed the pistachios!

Dakota: Mission accomplished!

(Milo stops chasing after the finish line, exhausted.)

Milo: So, so close.

Melissa: Milo, over here!

(Milo looks behind him to see a makeshift finish line that Zack and Melissa built of materials in his backpack.)

Milo: (runs toward them) You guys have a backup finish line! (still a bit short of breath) Ha! Brilliant!

Melissa: Milo 101! Always have a backup.

(Milo runs through the finish line in dramatic slow-motion)

Melissa: Yes! Yes!

Melissa and Zack: We did it! (they stop exulting)  And you too, Milo!

Zack: You finished!

Melissa: Yes!

Milo: That's right! (Takes a medal from Diogee, who just arrived on the scene, and puts it around his own neck)  But you guys built this pretty fast, and we should probably... get out from under here.

(They run back from the finish line, which collapses. Pan to Brick and Savannah standing by the wreckage of their pistachio cart. Savannah puts her face in her hand.)

Brick: Aw, nuts!

Savannah: (mocking Brick) "Aw, nuts!" (Speaking normally) That's what you sound like. (Brick raises an eyebrow.)

(The end.)

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