Outside Jefferson Middle School Gymnasium[]
(A large banner is being put up for 'Speech and Debate League of Death and Destruction Crosstown Explosion Event'.)
Chad: This is Chad reporting for the Jefferson G County School Channel. It's only 8 hours still tonight's Speech and Debate League of Death and Destruction Crosstown Explosion Event. So preparations are underway.
Jefferson Middle School Gymnasium[]
(Milo and Zack walk inside, everyone is preparing with Melissa, Bradley and Lydia practicing.)
Zack: Milo, isn't this speech and debate? Why is there a wresting ring here?
Milo: After all the excitement of Athedecamathlon and Cake 'Splosion, most scholastic competitions have added an atheletic element. Look. (Points towards the ring) There's Melissa and her team practicing.
Bradley: Pro. (points to Lydia) Con. (points to Melissa) Practice topic is 'running water on your toothbrush before you brush them.' Go! (Melissa and Lydia start to fight.)
Lydia: Pro, getting your toothbrush wet first makes the toothpaste stick.
Melissa: (pins Lydia) Con. The water soften the bristles so they don't clean as well.
Zack: Wow. I had no idea speech and debate was like this. (Milo climbs in the ring.)
Milo: (As Melissa takes a drink) It really got my heart rate up to aerobic levels. (Melissa spits out her water.) And I was just watching!
Melissa: That's the idea, actually.
Lydia: (As her and Bradley walk over) We've been training for months.
Bradley: Yes, months. (Points at Milo) And Milo's mere presence here at this practice, could blow the whole thing.
Milo: Aw, come on, Bradley. (The ring under Bradley and Lydia tears sending them through a hole, they scream as it happens.)
Hospital[]
(Lydia and Bradley are in for multiple injuries.)
Bradley: See?
Melissa: (turns to Milo and Zack) Milo, Zack, please. I need you two to fill in on the team.
Milo: Gee, I don't know Melissa. Arguing just doesn't come naturally to me.
Melissa: (hands on her hips and goading Milo) Yeah, it does.
Milo: No, it doesn't.
Melissa: Yeah, it does.
Milo: No, it... (realise what Melissa did) Oh. (Chuckles) Hey.
Melissa: It'll take that as a 'yes.' (A spring squeaks in Bradley's bed and it folds up with him still on it.)
Bradley: If you don't mind, (points at the door) please get Milo as far away as possible. Like, Alaska.
Jefferson Middle School - Small Gym Room[]
(Milo and Zack are jogging on a large mat whilst Melissa watches.)
Melissa: (blows whistle) All right, boys, in each debate, one of us gets the pro side and one of us gets the con, but you're need to do it using your body, not just your mouth. (ties her hair back) Points are distributed for verbal acuity as well as physical technique. Let's get to work.
(Instrumental version of Way of the Platypus.)
Milo: (on a treadmill, Melissa is hold a pro sign) An apple a day keeps the doctor away.
Zack: (Also on a treadmill, Melissa switches to con) Oranges have more vitamin C.
Jefferson Middle School Gymnasium[]
Zack: (punching a con punching bag) Cats are more self-sufficient. (turns to Pro) But dogs can fetch your slippers.
Outside[]
Milo: (skipping on a tight rope) Sport montages are overused. (Melissa throws a pro ball at him) But they're an economical way to further the story. (Melissa's con ball knocks him off the rope.)
Somewhere Snowy.[]
(Zack and Milo are holding wood over their heads with Pro and Con.)
Milo: Yes.
Zack: No.
Milo: Yes.
Zack: No.
In a barn of some sort.[]
(Milo and Zack are doing sit ups whilst hanging.)
Zack: (Con) Golf's not a sport, it's a past time.
Milo: (Pro) I agree.
Back in the ring.[]
(Milo and Zack are running from rope to rope.)
Zack: Country music is better than western music. (Picks up rubber dummy and brings it to the floor)
Milo: (Under the dummy on the other side) I did not know there was a difference. (taps out)
Outside Jefferson Middle School Gymnasium[]
(It's time for the event.)
Melissa: You guys ready?
Zack: It seems like we've been training for days, (looks at watch) but it's only been 32 minutes.
Milo: (arms up to his shoulders) I'm still not sure I got enough practice debate in.
Melissa: (points at Milo) You got this, Milo. (puts her arms out) We got this. Now let's get into character.
Jefferson Middle School Gymnasium[]
(Crowd cheering, Mr Drako, Ms Murawski and Coach Nolan are sitting to one side, the lights are dimmed with some focusing on the ring.)
Ms Murawski: Hello, all 17 of you tuning into Jefferson G County School TV, and welcome to today's speech and debate event. Joining me is my fellow judge Mr Drako.
Mr Drako: Good evening, debate-wrestling fans.
Ms Murawski: And our guest host for this evening, Coach Nolan Mitchell.
Coach: It's Coach Cobra Big Bowlin' Nolan (Ms Murawski's face drops a little), thank you very much. Oh, (chuckles) the air in here is electric. Coach Cobra Big Bowlin' Nolan is super excited about tonight's event.
Ms Murawski: Okay, coach. For you viewers out there I guess it's not hard to tell whose idea this incredibly expensive event was. Thank goodness we started to sell ads on this channel.
♪ Announcer: Sports, Fuel, Power, Sports Extreme Drink! You'll never sleep again! ♪
Ms Murawski: I am sure there are better ways to spend this money.
Coach: (Stands up) If the vampire here got to blow up the sports field for his event, Coach Cobra Big Bowlin' Nolan can have this.
Ms Murawski: Geez, Nolan, bring it down a bit.
Coach: (sits down) Yeah, all right.
Mr. Drako: And referring tonight's event is our own shop teacher Mr. Menke. (Crowd cheers) First up from Jefferson G, they're smart and crazy. Please put your hands together for (Camera moves to a large screen with 'Jefferson County Middle School' on it, Melissa, Zack and Milo walk out from behind the curtains) Intellectual Insanity Plea. (Melissa, Zack and Milo run towards the ring, Melissa enters the ring.)
Coach: Please welcome the Melissanator. (Cheering, Melissa taps Zack in.)
Mr Drako: Beware the Zack Attack, ha-ha-ha.(Crowd cheers, and Zack taps Milo in.)
Ms Murawski: And finally, hmm, Milo Murphy.
Girl in the crowd: Uh-oh.
Guy in the crowd: Yeah, are we at a safe enough distance?
Coach: Murphy! He's planning on bringing the awe and destruction of Murphy's Law. If I was the other team, I'd expect pain. (Realises the issue) Hmm, that goes for anyone else in this building actually. I, uh...maybe this was a bad idea.
(Church bell tolls and low smoke enters the gymnasium.)
Zack: Did it just get cold in here?
Ms Murawski: And now, prepare yourself (switches over to the large screen, which says 'Middletown Middle School.') for the nightmare-fueled world of Los Debators Gigantes. (The team exit the smoke and move towards the stage.)
Mr Drake: Bow down to Infinitive Splitter. (He does a jump into the ring.)
Zack: Whoa.
Melissa: (whispering) Don't let them intimidate you. They're trying to get into your heads.
Infinitive Splitter: Howls. (The crowd cheer)
Zack: Too late, they're in. They're in. (Infinitive Splitter tags in The Retorter.)
Ms Murawski: The Retorter, back from the grave, to carry you off to yours. (The Retorter enters the ring in a zombie like pose, the crowd cheer and the Retorter tags in Wendy.)
Mr Drako: And finally there no mercy from (Wendy jumps in from the top rope) La Locutora. (Wendy waves the cape in front of her before showing her fangs, the crowd cheer.)
Milo: (Walks over to Wendy) Hi, nice to see you guys again. I really love your outfit.
Wendy: (point at Milo) You're going down, Murphy.
Milo: I'm not really sure how this all works. (Melissa yanks him back.)
Melissa: Stop being so nice.
(Opening bell rings, Mort walks past with a Round 1 sign. Melissa and Infintive Splitter are on elevated platforms with a thin post supporting it, they're both hold rope between them.)
Mr Drako: First debate, 'front lawns, right or reckless'?
Ms Murawski: Infinitive Splitter, you have the pro argument.
(bell rings)
Infinitive Splitter: (As he and Melissa start pulling) A well-manicured lawn can increase kerb appeal and property values, which contribute to a healthy local economy.
Coach: (on his feet) Oh! (crowd cheer) He opens with a verbal clothes line.
Melissa: A lawn converted into a front vegetable garden could provide food for your family and friends and there's no greater value than that. Boom! (pulls Infinitive Splitter off his stand.)
Coach: Supplex to the brain! (5 points goes on Intellectual Insanity Pleas' score.)
(Mort holds a Round 2 sign.)
Ms Murawski: Okay, debate number two. 'Boy bands, blessing or a blight?'
Zack: (glancing over the the teachers) Seriously?
(Funky music plays)
Coach: Oh no. Coach Cobra Big Bowlin' Nolan knows that music.
(Murray the Middleman appears from the curtain holding a briefcase.)
♪ Murray The Middleman ♪
Coach: It's Murray the middleman, the Middletown school mascot!
♪ Murray The Middleman ♪
Coach: (As the crowd boo and cheer) He buys product from wholesalers and then sells them to retailers at a hefty price. What's he doing here?
♪ Murray The Middleman ♪
Mr Drako: Who knows? Back to round two, 'Boy bands.' (The round is set up like a game of hopscotch.) The Retorter will kick us off.
The Retorter: (whilst jumping along the 'field') Boy bands are a joke, the kids have no real talent.
Coach: The Retorter is raising them over his mental hand.
The Retorter: The songs are paper-thin, radio-bait and like losers. (Lands on the end square.)
Coach: Could it be?
The Retorter: They always peak early.
Coach: Yes! (the crowd cheer) The zombie lands the power slam!
Ms Murawski: Ouch.
Zack: (starting his play of the field) Well, the joke's on you, Retorter. (an instrumental version of Chop Away At My Heart plays) Boy bands are a great proving ground for young talent, plus their images have improved teen magazine sales by 23%, thus simulating the national economy.
Coach: And Zack attack has landed a stunner on that zombie, and this crowd is eating it up. Wait! What is Murray the Middleman up to? (It's revealed Murray is distracting the ref with a sale on ref jerseys) Murray's distracting the ref with a sale on referee jerseys. (The Retorter throws something at Zack, which he trips over as the Crowd groans, Zack hits the ropes next to the ref who blows his whistle.)
Mr. Drako: Out of bounds. (5 points get added to Los Debators Gigantes' score) 5 points.
Coach: What! Coach Cobra Big Bowlin' Nolan doesn't like this one bit. How could Murray the Middleman get away with it? (Murray slips on a puddle of water) Where did that come from? Is it...(the janitor appears from under the ring with a wet floor sign, wheeled bucket and mop) Yes. The Janitor is in the house! (The Janitor places the Wet floor sign over Murray's head) Ha! (the crowd cheer) How are those profits looking now middleman?
Ms Murawski: (having reached her limit) Drako, trade seats with me.
Zack: (walks over to Milo and Melissa) Sorry about that, guys.
Melissa: It's all right, Zack, we have several rounds to go.
(Song: Defend Your Argument)
♪ You've done your best to prepare for this
You've been training like a man for this
You've been worn down, dragged down,
poked, prodded, pushed, and pressed
This training regiment is quite confusing
Is it your brain or body that you're using?
You'll put your battle stricken,
argumentive reasoning to the test
It's a gruelling test of iron wills
or just a bunch of unrelated skills
you're utilising
It's a Speech and Debate League
of Death and Destruction
Cross Town Explosion Event
Defend your argument
Defend your argument
Defend your argument
So if you wanna take home the prize
Defend your argument ♪
(Bell clangs, the ring is now a raised circular platform with an open centre.)
Melissa: It's the last round. Now it's up to you Milo.
Ms Murawski: (lifts a piece of paper up) Our final topic today, what's more important. 'winning awards or participation trophies'? Los Debators Gigantes won the coin toss, and have selected 'winning.'
The Retorter: (as his team wave their arms up and down) We're all about winning!
Wendy: (point at Milo, Melissa and Zack) Oh you are definitely going down, Jefferson.
Milo: (gulps)
Coach: (Stand up) And this last showdown for the win will be a cage match! (A cage comes down from the ceiling, but remains suspended above the ring.)
Mr. Drako: (Stands up) Ooh, this is so cool.
Ms Murawski: Ugh.
Melissa: (As Milo goes to get in the ring) Wait, Milo. That fact that you even agreed to do this and all the crazy events we've been through together tonight, has made me see that the win isn't what's important. (Holds her arms out by her side towards Milo and Zack) This. This is important.
Zack: Being in a cage match with those crazy, Middletown kids? (Melissa punches Zack in the arm.) Ow.
Melissa: No, spending time with my friends.
Zack: (puts his arm to where Melissa punched him) Thanks.
Milo: Thanks Melissa.
(Milo and Wendy are now in the ring in sacks, on the raised ring. The cage lowers making a noise as it does.)
Mr. Drako: Los Debators Gigantes, you're up first. Begin. (Both Wendy and Milo starts jumping.)
Wendy: Winning is everything. Without a winner, how can there be goals for students to strive for? Participation trophies only encourage mediocrity. (The ref whistles)
Coach: Vicious intellectual pile driver.
Mr Drako: (Stands up, now with his tie round his head and having ditched his jacket, with a now sleeveless under shirt) She mentally climbed that and brought down her full fury on Murphy's brain. Can he recover?
Ms Murawski: (Turns to Mr. Drako) Oh, for crying out loud. (Turns back to audience) And now, Milo will make his final argument.
Milo: I would like to start off by saying what a good job you and your team have done tonight.
Wendy: What?
Coach: Murphy is staggering to his mental feet, but clearly he's still stunned.
Milo: Participating with your friends is what's important, not winning. I'm just glad I had the opportunity to try. (Murray appears from under the stage and the crowd gasps.)
Coach: Oh, my word. Murray the Middleman was hiding under the ring! (Murray grabs the ref by the foot and who holds onto the corner post.) He's in the cage and attacking the ref. What can anyone do?
Milo: Every time you have to label someone a winner, you're labelling the rest losers, and no one here today is a loser.
Wendy: Except you guys, Murphy.
Coach: (As the janitor runs up to the cage door with the keys) It's the Janitor and he's got the key to the cage, Oh thank goodness!
Milo: Just by participating I've already won. (Coach runs over to help the Janitor) If I had my way, everyone here in this gym tonight (The Janitor gets the door open) would get a participation award.
Coach: (As he and the Janitor chase off Murray) Oh, Middleman!
Milo: In fact, I'd be fine forfeiting so you can have the win. (Stops)
Wendy: You're gonna forfeit? Oh no, you don't get to be the better man, I'm twice as good as you. I'm forfeiting twice as hard. (Jumps off the raised platform, the Ref comes over and blows his whistle. Wendy realises what just happened.)
Mr Drako: (As the cage raises) Murphy's done it! Jefferson wins! Jefferson wins! (Milo jumps off the platform, Zack and Melissa walk over to him)
Ms Murawski: This slipped into utter nonsense. (glances round) I'm not even sure what I'm still doing here.
Coach: (He and the Janitor have picked up Murray, upon spotting people are leaving) Bill, Stan, this was a lot of fun tonight. Thanks for doing this.
Stan (Murray): Hey, no problem. (The lights come on, the superintendent walks out from behind the curtains)
Coach: The superintendent!
Stan: Another wrestler?
Coach: No, that's the school's actual superintendent. None of this was approved. We might be in a lot of trouble here.
♪ It's my world and we're all livin' in it. ♪