Announcer: LIVE from Lydia’s basement, it’s LYDIA HOLLOWAY and BRADLEY NICHOLSON!
(Crowd applauds as Lydia and Bradley wave to the crowd, Lydia enthusiastically, Bradley a little more reserved)
Lydia: Hey all you beautiful people! How ya doin’?
(She puts her left hand around Bradley’s shoulder)
Lydia: As you all know, I’m LYDIA and this is my boyfriend, Bradley Nicholson!
(She moves in to kiss him but Bradley hurriedly whispers)
Bradley (Whispers): Lydia! We talked about this!
Lydia (Suddenly remembering, nodding sheepishly): Oh, right! (Turns to audience) He’s not my boyfriend! He’s just a friend who’s a boy with whom I do not have dreams about marrying him in a warm, sunny grove.
Bradley: Right!... Wait, you have dreams about…
Lydia: BUT ENOUGH ABOUT US! You’re here for news about the BIGGEST production The Milo Murphy’s Law Wiki Guy AU has EVER undertaken!
Bradley: Personally I’d say Sunny and Grey 3 was bigger in a smaller way, but whatever.
Lydia: Yes, folks, after 9 whole months of teasing, this production is finally on!
(Crowd cheers, Lydia does her victory dance on the table)
Lydia: Oh, sorry. I didn’t realize I shouldn’t dan…
Bradley (holding out castanets): You forgot these! How can you flamenco without castanets?
Guy: HOW CAN I HAVE THIS PIZZA WITHOUT MY DRINK?
Bradley: Ignore the gratuitous reference!
Lydia: Anyhow, yesterday, The Milo Murphy’s Law Wiki Guy, our lovely and caring author who is always such a great guy…
Bradley: Some weirdo who has way too much time on his hands and yet spends it all on fluffy venting work in the hope that somehow he could ever redeem himself…
Lydia: Started working after finishing some other projects…
Bradley: Remembered that he had to do this, took his finger out and stopped thinking about Loud House angst and how he’d make a Scooby Doo show…
Lydia: And he’s right at it, working hard!
Bradley: What? That is true!
Lydia: Whatever. Anywaysies, today on the show we will report to you a few interesting things, by showing you the very first filming locations…
Bradley: Interviewing the star of the story, Balthazar Cavendish (Jeff “Swampy” Marsh)…
Lydia: And revealing to you how many pages we’re in, because trust us, it’s going to be VERY VERY LONG!
Bradley: So, without further ado…
Lydia: Let’s take you to the scene!
Bradley: But Lydia!
Lydia: Yes, sexy… I mean Bradley?
Bradley: We can’t go! We don’t have plane tickets, and, frankly, I am not dressed properly for the occasion!
Lydia: Bunny slippers and a “Honk If You Love Goulash” V-Neck are EXTREMELY FANCY!
Bradley: …IN WHAT WORLD?!
Lydia: Well, whatever. It doesn’t matter, because I have a little surprise of my own!
(The camera begins to zoom out, and then zoom in on the shooting location)
Lydia: LIVE from Marlborough Lines, Andover, Hampshire in merry old England…
Bradley (looking at Brexit news): Ix-Nay on the Erry-May.
Bradley: No thank you, I took my flu shot like a normal person does.
VACCINATE YOUR FUCKING KIDS!
Lydia: Anyhowsies, LIVE FROM ENGLAND, IT’S…
(Camera opens up in Hampshire to reveal…)
Lydia: AMANDA AND SARA, MY OLD COMMENTATING BUDDIES!
Amanda and Sara (smiling sheepishly): Lydia, we never got to, remember? That episode of the bracket is somehow still in production.
Lydia: Yeah, I wonder why.
(Everyone stares at Wiki Guy)
Lydia: Moving on! It’s great to see you too back together with microphones and stuff!
Sara: Yeah, it is great! Only this time, instead of standing by a wrestling ring interviewing weirdos…
Amanda: We get to do that same thing, but in shitty weather! Dios mios it’s so…
(Sara looks around)
Sara: …Cool and calm?
Amanda (pouting): England is supposed to be rainy! How did he pick the one place that isn’t trying to drown me?
Sara: Why do you want rainfall?
Amanda: THERE ARE THINGS THAT NEED TO BE EXPERIANCED, SARA!
Sara: Moving on…
(Sara and Amanda walk past a few houses and pedestrians, approaching what seems to be a complex of sorts)
Sara: Our sources indicate that the first shooting location, here in Hampshire, is home to the headquarters of the ENTIRE army of the United Kingdom! How impressive is that?
Amanda (reading a news report about how weak England is right now): ...Eh.
(The girls approach the door)
Sara: Now, usually, regular people like Amanda…
Amanda: And especially nutcases like Sara…
Sara: Can’t walk in here all willy nilly. But we’re not walking! We’re strolling!
Amanda (sighing): No, we were allowed inside since this is now a temporary filming site!
Sara: We can’t really talk to anyone, but we’ve been allowed to take some set photos!
(Opening the doors, men in dark blue high neck tunics and elaborate head wear march up and down, their thick facial hair doing most of the talking as they discuss military intelligence)
Sara: As you can see, the production has went for some VERY realistic extras! This guy’s beard looks so real!
(Sara tugs at one of the generals beards, removing it accidentally)
(Shock and silence)
Beardless General: They said at the Beard Adoption Clinic that no one would know!
(Runs off crying)
Sara: Poor man.
Amanda (eating some popcorn): Oh, very poor if this is what he spends his post brexit money on.
(As the two keep walking forwards, taking pictures, we see operators behind computers and phone lines, pictures of soldiers adorned with medals marching and saluting, and an open office door, where there is an imposing man sitting with his back to the girls on a chair)
Amanda: Who do you think tall, dark and crappy hair is?
Sara: I don’t know, but I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who ate a bear who was Secretary of The Envirorment for 5 minutes, who told me that people think they have seen Odin, but with a buzzcut here in the studio.
Amanda (blinks): …This trusted source sounds…
Amanda: Insane! Also, is he a bear that was also Secretary of the Enviorment for 5 minutes?
Sara: Well, not just that. He also has a primetime show every Friday!
Announcer: “Aliens and Dinosaurs Used To Get Bizzay and What Tie Is Hot?”, starring Actual Bear.
Sara: It’s a real ratings giant.
Amanda: Why am I here again?
(5 Minutes Later…)
(Now, in a grassy meadow)
Sara: And now we’re here!
Amanda: Where’s here?
Sara: I have no idea! We may be lost!
Amanda: You are surprisingly chill about this.
Sara: On the outside I may smile, but on the inside I’m screaming!
Amanda: Aren’t we all?
(Depression: It sucks)
Sara: Anyway, here we were allowed to take some more set photos!
(She takes pictures of the trees, the child actors a few meters away from them and of Amanda)
Amanda: What do you need pictures of me for?
Sara: Uh, duh! For scrapbooking and or faking our identities if we’re ever in witness protection.
Sara: I want my name to be Compressive Asphyxiation!
Amanda: Moving on from that… While we do not know the nature of this scene, we have been told that a battle occurs between a fair brown haired boy with a water pistol and a honey blond haired kid with glasses!
Sara: Sounds interesting!
Amanda: Sounds stupid, but that’s ok, we’re all wrong sometimes. Except for me.
(Sara and Amanda leave the meadow, the odd sound of “ORA!” being shouted out for some reason)
Sara: So we have our first two locations, but why? I get the feeling these scenes are set in the past… Or, well, future, since the we’ve never been to the UK before in this series!
Amanda: Pish posh, Sara! Obviously this is a pit stop on the way to save Dakota! He’s probably kidnapped by those Seven Hearts Club guys.
Sara: Oh, well, it’s ok to differ in opinion…
(Both of them turn bazuka’s on each other)
Sara: NO IT’S NOT I’M RIGHT!
Lydia: Well, that was informative! Up next, watch Bradley and I interview the star of the film, Balthazar Cavendish, here in the recording studio of TMMLWG AU!
(One chaotic drive later…)
(Bradley and Lydia leave the car, a little shaken)
Lydia: Ok, that’s the last time I let Diogee drive the car.
Bradley (spitting on the ground): Speed demon.
(Diogee winks and drives off into the gates of hell)
(Lydia and Bradley walk in to the studio, where the orchestra can be heard tuning its instruments)
Tugiacat and Cool Genius (who conduct the orchestra): Hey, guys! How’s it going?
(Lydia stops by and waves at them from behind the glass)
Lydia: Oh, hey! We’re just looking for Cavendish!
(Tugiacat points his baton to the right, which makes the orchestra play so hard he gets blown all the way to the wall)
Cool Genius: …We better call a doctor.
Eileen Underwood: I’M A DOCTOR!
Cool Genius: …Cool.”
Eileen Underwood: It is, isn’t it?
(Lydia and Bradley walk down the hall and reach the recording room, where Cavendish is warming up his voice)
(He gargles Serendipitacelys tears after reading “This Date Must Work”, and then he notices Bradley and Lydia)
Cavendish: Greetings, children!
Lydia: Hey-o, Cavendish!
(They enter the room, Cavendish now seated as the microphone is removed)
Lydia: So, we’ve come here to interview you since production has started for “Balthazar Cavendish Vs The World”!
Cavendish: Ah, yes, finally a movie about the best character in the show!
Bradley: And humble, too!
Cavendish: Why, yes! Yes I am!
(Bradley face palms while Lydia laughs, Cavendish confused as to the reactions)
Lydia: Anyway, may we ask you a few non spoilery questions?
Cavendish: Fire away!
(A bazooka blast nearly takes all their heads off, shattering some glass)
(The three, startled beyond belief, stare outside to see Sara and Amanda returning with their bazookas)
Amanda: Our bad!
(Cavendish just rolls his eyes affectionately and resumes his interview)
Cavendish: Well, what do you have for me?
Lydia: Well, for one, what is it like being the protagonist of what has been touted as the biggest story yet in the AU?
Cavendish: Oh, it’s a delight! Finally a chance for all the thirsty Cavendish stans to truly enjoy themselves!
(Cavendish-Sexuals knock on the doors wildly)
Bradley (disturbed): Oh Neptune.
Cavendish: I’m kidding! But I will say this: It is great to be making this story. It is going to be a very passionate, long and emotional journey about accepting and giving love, and… Well, it’s just about discovering your true self, forgiveness, selflessness… It’s a real package.
Bradley: Well, I was wondering if this is the only time you’ll have such a big story.
Cavendish: Well, yes and no. Each character in the AU has at least ONE movie length story in a sense. Dakota has one in Phase 2, Milo has a few, so it’s not just me. I still have big roles in this AU, but I would say that yes, this is probably my only movie really.
Lydia (fiddling with the equipment, drops it accidentally): Whoops. Um… I was wondering about the whole MUSICAL angle! Very exciting!
Lydia: You here for a song?
Cavendish: Why, yes! Day 2 will see us record two songs, an instrumental from an adult foregin animated show, and a song from another Disney show that is being mistreated, sung by a Broadway man/Arrowverse actor!
Bradley: Could you tell us the songs?
Cavendish: Unfortunately, Wiki Guy wants to keep things all hush hush, you know? So I can only hint.
Lydia: Well, it’s been nice talking to you!
Bradley: Before we leave, we will finish with a status report on the story for all the eager readers: Right now, 41 and a half pages have been written, and according to insider reports, those pages comprise of, get this, only HALF the cold open. The titles haven’t even started yet.
Lydia: To put this in perspective, the story’s 3,685 words already make it longer than all 3 parts of Administration, Diameter Part 1, Finished, Growth, Heart, both Homosexuals, Illness, Mistreat, Never Tired of You, Site, Taxi and Trap!
Bradley: Well, we’ll report to you tomorrow, where we expect to hear about the rest of the cold open, a few more locations, and an interview with Wiki Guy himself!