(Note: Play "As Time Goes By" BY Dooley Wilson throughout)
(Night in Danville)
(Giant Pistachion, dressed in royal silks of blue, steps onto the stage, looking thoughtful)
Giant Pistachion: ...Yo.
(Suddenly, he sees!)
(Sees what?)
(Oh)
(Sorry)
(He sees Hamosaur, wearing a beautiful pink dress with a bow!)
(The majestic statue appears from a balcony)
Giant Pistachion: But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Hamosaur is the sun.
Doof: That can't be good! He's too small to light the entire planet.
Major Monogram: Are you an idiot? Of course he can't light the entire planet!... It's night time. He's resting.
(Carl face palms)
Giant Pistachion: Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon...
Moon: Dude. Really?
Giant Pistachion: Who is already sick and pale with grief...
Moon: Actually, I feel as fit as a fiddle...
Giant Pistachion: That thou, his maid, art far more fair than he.
Moon: DUDE. Bros before Hamosaurs.
Giant Pistachion: Be not his maid since he is envious.
Moon: Ok, now you just lyin'. Why you always lyin'?
(The Moon is dragged off stage)
Giant Pistachion: His vestal livery is but sick and green,
And none but fools do wear it. Cast it off!
(Hamosuar does a JoJo pose)
Giant Pistachion: It is my meat. Oh, it is my roadside attraction.
Oh, that he knew he were!
He speaks, yet he says nothing. What of that?
His eye discourses. I will answer it.—
(Hamosaur is speaking to his bestie, Nicholas Cage)
Giant Pistachion: I am too bold. 'Tis not to me he speaks.
HE SPEAKS TO THE CAGE!
Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,
Having some business, do entreat his eyes
To twinkle in their spheres till they return.
What if his eyes were there, they in his head?
The brightness of his bacon would shame those stars.
Star 1: I'm much more ashamed of the 50 bodies I have hidden in the basement.
(Star 2 slowly edges out)
Giant Pistachion: As daylight doth a lamp. His eye in heaven
Would through the airy region stream so bright
That birds would sing and think it were not night.
Bird: First the moon, now us birds? What a di...
Giant Pistachion: See how he leans his pastrami upon his hand, surely contaminating it. Many sandwiches were ruined in the making of this production.
Oh, that I were a bacteria upon that contaminated pastrami
That I might touch that THICC...
(Hamosaur hears someone refer to him as THICC and looks to the ground)
Hamosaur: Ay me!
Giant Pistachion: She speaks.
Crowd: We're not stupid!
Giant Pistachion: O, speak again, bright angel! For thou art
As glorious to this night, being o'er my head,
As is a wingèd messenger of heaven
Unto the white, upturnèd, wondering eyes
Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him
When he bestrides the lazy-puffing clouds
And sails upon the bosom of the air.
Hamosuar: Oh my gosh, he's SOOO hot!
(Hamosaur rips his dress off, revealing AAAAAAAAAABDOMINALS and with glistening sweat, monologues)
Hamosaur: O Pistachio, Pistachio! Where you at, Pistachio?
Tell your father to get bent and stop enslaving people.
Or, if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love,
And I’ll no longer be a tourist trap.
(Giant Pistachion leaps onto the tower and rips his clothes off)
(The two hormonally challenged things gaze into each others eyes)
Giant Pistachion: Let's get it on!
(SCOTT THE UNDERGORUNDER INTENSIFIES)
Hamosaur: Take me, bae!
(THEY KISS)
(5 YEARS LATER)
(An airport)
(World War 2)
(...Somehow)
(Hamosaur (now looking like Ilsa Lund from "Casablanca") and Giant Pistachion (now looking like Rick Blaine from "Casablanca") arrive with Elliot's Stop Sign (Looking like Louis Renault from "Casablanca") and Carla (looking like Victor Laszlo from "Casablanca") at an airport)
Giant Pistachion: If you don't mind, fill in the names. That'll make it more official.
Elliot's Stop Sign: I don't mind, but thank you for asking! Such a gentleman!
Hamosaur: You think of everything, don't you?
Giant Pistachion: No, I occasionally forget to floss (FLOSS YOUR TEETH, KIDS!) And the names are Mr. And Mrs. Carla The Soft Serve Machine.
Hamosaur: But why my name, Sexy?
Giant Pistachion: Because you're getting on that plane.
Hamosaur: I don't understand.
Giant Pistachion: Not sure why. It's a pretty simple statment. Go. On. Plane. Not sure what you missed.
Hamosaur: What about you?
Giant Pistachion: I'm staying with him till the plane gets away.
Elliot's Stop Sign: Whoop de freaking doo.
Hamosaur: No. What has happened? Last night you said...
Giant Pistachion: Last night we said a great many things. You said I was to do the thinking for us. I've done a lot of it since then.
Elliot's Stop Sign: There's a surprise.
Giant Pistachion: It adds up to one thing: You're getting on that plane with Carla where you belong.
Hamosaur: Passion Panda, no...
Giant Pistachion: Now, you've got to listen to me. Any idea what you'd have to look forward to if you stayed here? Chances are we'd both wind up in a bad place. True, Elliot's Stop Sign?
Elliot's Stop Sign: I'm afraid Major Derek would insist.
Hamosaur: You're saying this only to make me go.
Giant Pistachion: I'm saying it because it's true. But also... Yeah. Inside of us we both know you belong with Carla.
Bradley: I REFUSE!
Giant Pistachion: You're part of her work, the thing that keeps her going. That and Kenny G. If that plane leaves and you're not with her, you'll regret it. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of your life.
Hamosaur: But what about us?
Giant Pistachion: We'll always have the alleyway behind The Breakfast Burrito Place. We didn't have... We'd lost it until you came to Casablanca.
Elliot's Stop Sign: Wait, we're in Casablanca?
Giant Pistachion: We got it back last night.
Hamosaur: When I said I would never leave you.
Giant Pistachion: And you never will. But I've got a job to do too. Where I'm going, you can't follow. What I've got to do you can't be any part of. Gurl, I'm no good at being noble. But it doesn't take much to see that the problems of a cargo ship... don't amount to a hill of Irvin's in this crazy world. Someday you'll understand that.
(Hamosaur cries, tears of grease falling down his cheeks)
(Giant Pistachion caresses the beast)
Giant Pistachion: Now, now. Here's looking at you, Boi.
(They make out aggressively)
A FEW BILLION YEARS LATER...
(An elderly Hamosaur sits on a bench, looking at the sunset)
(He sighs wearily)
(Suddenly, a familiar claw places itself on his shoulder)
Giant Pistachion (now elderly too): Sup.
(Hamosaur turns, with amazed eyes)
Hamosaur: ...My love?
(Giant Pistachion sits next to his lover)
Giant Pistachion: ...Yes.
(They look at the sky, as it begins to crack)
Hamosaur: But... It's been so long. After all this time... Do... Do you really...
(Giant Pistachion kisses Hamosaur, and Hamosaur returns the favor)
Giant Pistachion: ...I do.
(They hold hands and look at the last sunset, as the sun begins to engulf the earth)
Giant Pistachion: ...To infinity...
Hamosaur: And beyond.
(They close their eyes and disappear)
Their hands never let go)
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, PHINFERBFAN5!
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Thank you for everything, my friend!
Yours forever,
The Milo Murphy's Law Wiki Guy.