The crosswalk before Jefferson County Middle School on Monday[]
(The marquee says, "IT'S SAFETY WEEK! / NEXT WEEK... / NOT SO MUCH". A bicyclist suddenly crashes into it, knocking off most of the letters so that the marquee says, "IT'S SAFE / / NOT". Superimposed text establishes the day. Elliot is on duty on the other side of the street. He is aping swordplay with his stop sign. Milo, Melissa, and Zack approach; he quickly jabs his stop sign at them.)
Elliot: (holding up his stop sign) Stop!
Milo: Huh?
(Elliot pushes a button on his stop sign. It turns around slowly, playing "Pop Goes the Weasel".)
Milo, Zack, and Melissa: (as the other side of the stop sign, which says "MILO", is revealed) Ohhh.
Elliot: Milo. ("Pop Goes the Weasel" finishes)
Milo: Hi, Elliot! How's the safety game?
Elliot: It's not a game, Milo. I take safety very seriously because safety is my business.
Milo: Okay... how's the safety business?
Elliot: Can't speak for the rest of the town, but right here, on my post, things are under control.
(Pan quickly over to a "MO'S PEAS PLEASE!" truck. Its driver is singing along with "Meatloaf", which is playing on his radio.)
Driver: ♪ Ground beef, breadcrumbs, some onions and an — ♪ Aah!
(The wheels fall off the truck, and it swerves out of control, spraying bystanders with peas who are swept past Milo et al..)
Unwilling pea surfer: Actually, these feel good on my sore knee.
(Milo looks in puzzlement at the event, then at Elliot. While backing away, Elliot gives Milo the "I'm watching you" gesture.)
The same; Wednesday[]
(Elliot has set up traffic cones around it; he is holding his stop sign and a net. Milo, Melissa, and Zack arrive. Without looking to them, Elliot puts up his stop sign. Forthwith a large group of bats attacks him and leaves. He is left scratched up and worn. His pants fall down.)
The same; Thursday[]
(Cut to "THURSDAY" at the same crosswalk. Elliot has the same equipment as on Wednesday, but with the addition of a hockey mask and a chain-link cage which he is in. Mort, Amanda, Bradley, and Nick arrive from his right, while Milo, Zack, and Melissa arrive from his left. He puts up his stop sign at Milo et al. and exits the cage.)
Elliot: Okay, everyone. It's safe. (The students start to cross the street) Come on. Let's go.
(He is overshadowed by a passing airship.)
Elliot: (removes his hockey mask) Oh, sweet mother of safety! That blimp is out of control!
(The stern of the airship ruptures, and it flies around erratically before covering everyone. They panic.)
Student: Polyester! It burns!
Elliot: (getting out from under it) Don't panic! (climbs onto the deflated airship) Elliot's here to rescue you! (Milo pierces it with a pair of scissors.) I've had days of self-imposed crisis management training, (Milo continues cutting through the airship) and there's no reason to worry. (The students escape the airship and continue along the crosswalk) See? You're fine now. Elliot Decker's here.
Melissa: You? Milo was the one with the blimp scissors.
Elliot: We wouldn't need blimp scissors if we didn't have a Milo.
Melissa: Uh, what are you trying to say, Elliot?
Elliot: I'm saying that Milo is a menace, and this world would be a better place without him!
(The students gasp.)
Student: Oh, snap!
Melissa: That's a terrible thing to say, Elliot! (with Milo, Amanda, and Zack, leaves to enter the school)
Zack: Yeah, Elliot. That was pretty cold. (He leaves with the others.)
Elliot: I wonder what it would be like ("World Without Milo" starts) living in a world without Milo.
Elliot: ♪ If Milo weren't around, if he wasn't here ♪
♪ If that Murphy kid would only disappear ♪
♪ I'd start to sing and dance; heck, I might even cheer ♪
♪ Put on my party pants, I wouldn't shed a tear ♪
♪ The world would be a safer place ♪
♪ Without his little infrastructure-crushing face ♪
♪ I'm only really thinking of the human race ♪
♪ And how much better off we'd be if Milo were in space ♪
♪ Every day the sun would shine ♪
♪ We'd hear the bells of safety chime ♪
(Elliot starts up a chainsaw.)
♪ I'd retire this caution sign ♪
(Elliot chops a signpost bearing a sign reading "CAUTION" with Milo's silhouette beneath it.)
♪ There'd be no perils, jeopardy, or hazards in a world without Milo ♪
♪ In a world without Milo ♪
♪ In a world without Milo ♪
♪ In a world without Milo ♪
♪ In a world without Milo ♪
(The song ends; Elliot reclines serenely in a meadow.)
Elliot's bed; Friday[]
(Match cut to him in bed on "FRIDAY". He gets out of bed and ritually touches the "SAFE" poster [of a baseball player successfully attaining a base] beside his bed.)
The crosswalk[]
(Elliot looks at his watch, as if bored.)
Elliot: Ah. Here comes Milo's friend.
(Cut to Zack talking to Chad.)
Chad: So I've been living right next door to them for years, and they don't know who I am!
(They reach the crosswalk.)
Elliot: So, where's your buddy Milo?
Zack: Who's Milo?
Elliot: Milo! You know, that kid that you and Melissa hang out with.
(Melissa walks in.)
Zack: Who's Melissa?
Melissa: I'm Melissa.
Zack: Oh yeah, from science class!
Melissa: And you're Zack, right?
Zack: Yeah, nice to finally meet you.
Chad: I'm Chad.
Elliot: Quit kidding around, you two! Where's Milo?
Chad: I'm also in your science class.
Melissa: Milo? Is he new?
Chad: Oh, forget it. (goes down the crosswalk)
Elliot: Oh, I get it. Very funny. Let's all play a joke on the stalwart and surprisingly handsome safety czar. Well, joke's over. (jabs his stop sign at Zack and Melissa) Where is he? (disturbs the bushes) Milo!
Melissa: Who are you talking about?
Elliot: The wide-eyed kid with the backpack? His hair stands straight up in front? Odd shoes?
Zack: You mean that guy? (points)
(Cut to "that guy" — Terry — on a park bench reading a book. He matches Elliot's description, despite looking nothing like Milo.)
Terry: You guys are mean.
Elliot: No! Not you, Terry. Milo!
Zack: Sorry, Elliot. Just doesn't ring a bell. (he and Melissa go over the crosswalk)
Elliot: What! Oh no, no, no. (overtakes them) If there's no Milo, then why is his name on the back of my sign? (looks at it) Wait. No. It should say "Milo" here. Who messed with my sign? (Melissa and Zack continue; Bradley walks in) Oh, you've — you've pushed it too far now.
(Melissa and Zack groan.)
Elliot: (points at Bradley) You! Dark hair and glasses, get over here!
Bradley: I have a name, you know. (starts over the crosswalk)
Elliot: Don't care. You know that guy who's always causing problems and messing things up? What's his name?
Bradley: You mean Terry?
Terry: (off-screen) Dude, I've got feelings!
Elliot: Ugh! Get outta here and go to school! (shoves Bradley thither and crosses) You can't have everyone in on this gag.
(The marquee reads "MR. NOLAND DISCUSSES / VENUS DE MILO". Sara enters, walking a dog.)
Elliot: Wait! Sara! Sara Murphy!
Sara: Yeah. Can I help you?
Elliot: It's me, Elliot.
Sara: Elliot?
Elliot: Elliot Decker. From high school? I was a senior when you were a sophomore?
Sara: Uh, sorry, uh —
Elliot: Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait. Do you have a brother named Milo? Milo Murphy?
Sara: No. No brother. Only child.
Elliot: Ugh. And no plans in the family to have another one any time soon?
Sara: Yeah, listen. I have everywhere else I need to be. (goes away, dragging her dog)
Elliot: Okay then. Well, see you later, I guess. Milo was never born. He really doesn't exist. This is what I've always wanted! To keep people safe! Yes! Yes! (climbs upon the marquee; holds his stop sign aloft) Let safety reign!
A park[]
(The Brulees and several others are going about their business, but they stop at Elliot's echo.)
Elliot's echo: Reign!
A sidewalk[]
(A skateboarding girl looks quizzically at the sky.)
Elliot's echo: Reign!
Elsewhere in the city[]
Elliot's echo: Reign!
A manhole cover[]
Elliot's echo: Reign! (Scott the undergrounder emerges from the manhole, looking around and feeling for rain.) Reign! (Finding none, he goes back in.) Reign!
The courtyard of the school[]
(Everyone in the courtyard has stopped at his outburst. He looks around awkwardly and climbs down, disturbing the marquee. Most of the letters fall off, so that the marquee reads "NO / MILO". He returns to the crosswalk.)
Elliot: Uh-oh.
(Cut to show a truck towing a mobile home careening out of control on the road.)
Elliot: Okay, everybody! Just stay back and —
Driver: It's okay. (The driver has got his vehicle back under control, and it drives past.) I got it.
Elliot: I guess I'll just wait for the next emergency.
The crosswalk[]
(Cut to a title card reading "FOUR HOURS LATER" in huge letters. A musical sting accompanies it. After the title card, cut to Elliot, still standing alone at the crosswalk.)
Elliot: Oh. Okay. (traverses the crosswalk to where his bike is chained up) I guess I'll just sit over here and wait for the next emergency.
(Elliot sits. He twirls his stop sign. He rings his bike's bell. He lies on the ground and watches a bug go by. It approaches a flower; Elliot pushes it down with his finger.)
Elliot: Careful there, little guy.
(The bug goes away.)
Elliot: (gets up) Hm. This is crazy! (goes over to a squirrel) I need to help somebody! I know what I can do!
The same, later[]
(Elliot and Bradley are opposite the school. Bradley is dressed as Milo and holding a script.)
Bradley: Is all this really necessary?
Elliot: I'm just setting the scene.
(Elliot takes off Bradley's glasses and stows them; he tries to recreate Milo's cowlick with Bradley's hair, but in vain. Elliot spits into his hands to try and make Bradley's hair stand up.)
Bradley: (stops Elliot's hands) Not gonna happen, man.
Elliot: Fine, we'll skip the hair. Okay, you know what to do, right? Action! (goes off-screen)
(Bradley sighs deeply.)
Bradley: (reading from his script, very disinterested) Oh no. I spilled my marbles all over the ground.
Elliot: You didn't spill the marbles!
Bradley: What? I didn't — I didn't hear what you said; I was reading —
Elliot: I said you didn't spill the marbles! You gotta say — you gotta say the line as you're spilling the marbles!
Bradley: Ugh. (takes a handful of marbles out of his pocket and drops them) Oh no. I spilled my marbles all over the ground.
Elliot: Stop, citizen! That's dangerous! Someone could slip!
(Elliot sucks up the marbles very slowly with a handheld vacuum cleaner. Bradley looks on, unimpressed. After all the marbles except one are sucked up, Elliot tries to suck up the last one, but he cannot. At length he picks it up and drops it into the vacuum cleaner's mouth. He tips it over, and the marble drops out of it. Elliot goes after it, but it falls down a storm drain. He gives a thumbs-up to Bradley.)
Elliot: There! I have averted a tragedy, and the town is safe once again! (looks around) Oh. Who am I kidding? It's not the same.
Bradley: (holding out his hand) Do I still get my five bucks?
Elliot: Do the line.
Bradley: Thank you, safety czar.
(Elliot hands him a dollar bill, and Bradley takes his glasses back and goes across the crosswalk. Elliot goes back to his bike where a squirrel is sitting.)
Elliot: (sighs) I have to make things safe, but I can't make things safe when everything's safe! This is exactly what I've always wanted, but I'm not happy.
Squirrel: The sad fact is that what you have been striving to stop is exactly what you need to justify your place in the world. Elliot, you need Milo.
Elliot: You're right! If this world has no Milo, what does it need me for? Without Milo, who am — aah! A talking squirrel! Aah! (runs away)
Squirrel: Well, that was rude!
Elsewhere in the city[]
(Cut to Elliot screaming and running in slow motion. He imagines Milo's head next to his.)
Milo's head: The squirrel was right, Elliot. (fades out, then fades in on the other side) You need me, Elliot! (fades out)
(Elliot imagines Bradley's head next to his.)
Bradley's head: I have a name, you know. (fades out)
(Elliot imagines the Squirrel's head.)
Squirrel's head: Well, that was rude! (fades out)
(Elliot imagines Diogee's head. It barks. Milo's head reappears.)
Milo's head: Diogee, go home!
(Elliot runs past Cavendish and Dakota in their time vehicle. Dakota is reading The Doctor Zone Files Files, and Cavendish is reading a newspaper.)
Elliot: Oh! Milo!
Dakota: Hey. Did that guy just say "Milo"?
Cavendish: Good heavens! (starts the vehicle)
(Still screaming, Elliot is accosted by a green balloon in the shape of Milo's head. He stops, and an orange one accosts him from the other side. He is crowded by Milo's-head-balloons of many colours. Cut to reveal that one man was holding them all. Elliot runs away screaming.)
(Elliot crosses a crosswalk. He is overshadowed by a giant parade-balloon shaped like Milo. Still screaming, he runs away. Cavendish and Dakota overtake him; Cavendish sounds the horn.)
Dakota: Hey, you! Aren't you the guy that we saw yelling "Milo" earlier?
Elliot: Milo? (he and the time-travellers stop) You know about Milo?
Dakota: A — a little, a little, yes. Sorry, we went back in time and maybe messed up the space-time continuum a little bit —
Cavendish: And by "we" he means "him"!
Dakota: Yeah, yeah. Anyway, so, in this alternate version of the Universe, Milo was never born.
Elliot: But wait! If there's no Milo, how come there are Milo balloons?
Dakota: Yeah, there's no Milo in this time-stream, but there are Milo balloons! Go figure.
Cavendish: And talking squirrels.
Dakota: Yeah, what's up with that?
(Elliot kneels.)
Elliot: Normally I would be amazed at the very possibility of time-travel, but I am so despondent over my total irrelevance in a world without Milo that I can't even think about that right now.
Dakota: Ah, don't worry. We'll go back and fix it. After lunch.
Cavendish: Before lunch.
Dakota: Before lunch. What difference could it make?
(They start to drive off; Elliot runs after them.)
Elliot: Wait! Why am I the only one who remembers the other time-stream? The one with Milo in it?
Dakota: I dunno. Is that a lead-lined stop sign?
Elliot: Yeah.
Dakota: Maybe it shielded your brain from time-waves. (Elliot smashes against a pole) It did not, however, shield your head from that lamp-post.
(A talking squirrel jumps up onto Dakota's seat.)
Squirrel: So, where are we gonna go for lunch?
Dakota: He wants to go fix the time-stream first.
Squirrel: Aw. But then I won't exist.
(Cut to Elliot sprawled upon the ground, then fade to him in a bed. He wakes.)
Elliot's house[]
Elliot: (gasps, sits up) It was all a dream! Giant Milo balloons, a talking squirrel, time-travel, I ran into a lamp-post — wait, why am I wearing my clothes?
Mother Decker: Well, honey, I'm not sure about all that other stuff, but you certainly ran into a lamp-post.
Elliot: Well, how'd I get inside?
Mother Decker: Oh, I brought you in. You're so big now, I had to use a furniture dolly.
Elliot: Wait a minute! Does that mean —
(Elliot goes outside and runs to his stop sign. He takes it up, looks at its reverse side, and is glad to see that the word "MILO" is on it. )
Elliot: Ah! It says "Milo"!
(He lowers the stop sign to see Milo.)
Elliot: Milo! (runs forth and embraces him)
Milo: Um, good to see you, Elliot.
Elliot: Milo, I don't ever want to not see you anymore! Ever again!
Milo: Uh, thanks, Elliot. That's the nicest sentence anyone has ever messed up for me.
(Another Milo walks in.)
Second Milo: Yeah, thanks, Elliot.
(Another Milo walks in.)
Third Milo: Thanks, Elliot.
(Two more Milos walk in, one across the street.)
Fourth and fifth Milos: Thanks, Elliot!
(Dakota and Cavendish drive up. Cavendish sounds the horn.)
Dakota: Don't worry; we're on it.
(The end.)